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Suspecting You’re a System, What Do We Do Now?
Short Preface
So you probably stumbled upon information that leads you to wonder if you’re a System (e.g. person with DID or OSDD) based on what you noticed about yourself and/or your surroundings. While we aren’t able to self-diagnose and then from that call it official, it is of my personal opinion that there’s no harm attempting to do what I’d like to call a form of self-awareness and being mindful of the things that happen in your lived experience, such as your feelings, being mindful of the thoughts that run through your head. Diagnosed or not, self-awareness (of your presenting symptoms) and mindfulness are good skills to have. Are they yours? Or could it be a part that is speaking?
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DISCLAIMER
A disclaimer here that an official diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) should be done by someone who has at least completed the Level II Professional Training Program by the ISSTD or an equivalent set by the relevant regulatory board from where the clinician is practising from. (https://www.isst-d.org/training-and-conferences/professional-training-program/ptp-course-descriptions/)
It is, however, inevitable that when you learn of things, gain new information, etc. that kind of makes sense to your lived experience and from there you question about everything else that has transpired in your life – to whatever extent you can remember, that is.
This article is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental disorder. A good part of it is written from my own experience and social research. Only some parts of the article are cited from trusted sources.
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The DSM-V (DSM-5) outlines the following diagnostic criteria for DID:
A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which
may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in
identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied
by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception,
cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed
by others or reported by the individual.
B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/
or traumatic events that are inconsistent with ordinary forgetting.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational,
or other important areas of functioning.
D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice.
Note: In children, the symptoms are not better explained by imaginary playmates or
other fantasy play.
E. The symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g.,
blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition
(e.g., complex partial seizures).
The DSM-V (DSM-5) outlines the following diagnostic criteria for Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD):
This category applies to presentations in which symptoms characteristic of a dissociative
disorder that cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or
other important areas of functioning predominate but do not meet the full criteria for any of
the disorders in the dissociative disorders diagnostic class. (American Psychiatric Association, 2013)
For more information on OSDD (such as OSDD-1a vs OSDD-1b), please refer to one of my previous articles I have written.
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Figuring out what is happening
Okay, so all those look really technical. What should I be looking at then? This is what I imagine some of you may say to yourselves. Part of my ‘writer’s block’ I sometimes struggle to find the sweet spot between maintaining accuracy and keeping it simple for day to day people. Hence I had to paste up the chunk above just to be safe.
So here’s the part you might be waiting for! The coming section will be written based off my own direct lived experience as someone who has gone through the process (also combined with social research into what has worked for other systems) and I seek to share some ideas that may be useful to you in your own journey of self-discovery (and hopefully leading to you seeking professional help within a clinical setting), because after all, we have to start somewhere, right? How do we know if we should start making the first move (e.g. booking the first appointment with the specialist)?
This will be geared towards DID.
Signs of Amnesia
Someone asked you about your childhood. You barely remember anything. Perhaps you have gone to this school. What did you do there? How was life like there? Do you remember your graduation? It’s a big event. Not remembering a big event that most people would have remembered is not attributed to ‘ordinary forgetfulness’.
So you know you are married. Do you remember your wedding day? How did the cake look like? How big was the attendance at the wedding? You don’t remember? Again, an amnesia that is not attributed to ‘ordinary forgetfulness’.
Lost Time – Do you suddenly find yourself in a place you don’t remember going to or even remember how you got there? Find yourself giving yourself excuses like “okay maybe I’m just absent-minded” “I’m not paying attention”. True, maybe that happened. But we are collecting the little details that all add up to give you an idea what the big picture might be (again, so you know if you should call for an appointment with the specialist!) Do you also realise maybe days or even weeks has passed and you can’t remember what happened during this period of time? Shocking find especially when you look at the calendar on your phone or computer.
You know you live with no one else and only you have access to the home, yet in the fridge you find yourself with a bag of apples. And you know you absolutely dislike apples. There is no sign of a break in. Besides, which burglar wants to break into your home just to place apples in your fridge? Was it you who put it there or bought it? Or was it a part that did it?
Or in my case, you blink, and your coffee disappears right before your eyes and it feels like it’s in your stomach now, and you absolutely don’t remember drinking it after making it.
You get the gist. The more these add up, the less likely it makes sense to pass it off as “Meh, I’m just forgetful or not paying attention”. Not a confirmation of DID, but definitely a sign/symptom.
Community
Do people sometimes come up to you and you have no clue who they are, and they called you by another name you never heard of? Perhaps they even insisted you have met them before. (Carlson & Putnam, 1993)
Your friend, perhaps, came over to thank you for teaching them how to draw and mentioned how they never knew you knew how to draw. You felt puzzled because you don’t draw. But they are sure you taught them, and even showed you their art or even a piece that ‘you’ have drawn as a sample to them.
These are signs of parts, discovered by the community interaction around you. As always, not a confirmation of DID, but definitely yet another sign/symptom.
Internal Voices
Where does the voice come from? Does it appear as if you quite literally hear it through your ears? Or does it come from your mind as a voice that seems to be commenting on things, or perhaps even talking to you? Try to recall a past event of someone speaking to you in real life. Recall that voice in your head now. How do you ‘hear’ it? It’s kind of like a thought, but you ‘hear it through your thoughts’. The latter is what we look at for DID, so we don’t confuse it with some other mental health conditions such as schizophrenia (my personal understanding of what it is – don’t take my word for it. I’m not an expert on schizophrenia.)
You walk by a kid’s store. There is a stuffie. You know yourself not to really fancy stuffies, perhaps due to your age, maybe you have ‘outgrown’ stuffed toys. But as you walk past it, do you hear a voice saying that they want it so bad? Could that be a child part? But you know you don’t really fancy stuffies now.
You really like Fish and Chips. But as you’re about to dig into your platter, you ‘hear’ a voice going “Ew. Why are you eating that?” But you know you really like Fish and Chips. Is that a part commenting on your food? Perhaps they don’t fancy your choice of dinner.
Out-of-character
You know yourself to be weak in maths. You definitely know this for YEARS. But you know, sometimes, just sometimes, out of nowhere you understood everything in maths class where you usually struggle to comprehend the professor. And on other days you are kind of back to yourself and you struggle again. Could it be a part that have assisted you from time to time? Maybe they are good at maths.
Perhaps you know yourself to be a very logical person, and out of nowhere you are suddenly lashing out at somebody that seemed to have triggered you, over something that you know you aren’t triggered by. You swear it is out of character for you. It could be a traumatised part that was influencing your behaviour and/or perception of things. (American Psychiatric Association, 2013)
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What do we do now?
Okay so that was a lot regarding some of the signs and symptoms of DID so you know which direction you might want to head in for now, pending your clinical appointments. First step is to establish communications with what/who might seem to be a part.
You walk past that stuffie and you hear the voice that wants it. Speak back to that voice. You could do that either internally, via your own thoughts (in case there are other people around and you’re self-conscious), or you can actually speak out verbally. They could be a child part. Speak gently. “Is that what you like?”
Then actually LISTEN. Pay attention. Do you hear anything back? Or do you feel something in your body that conveys an emotion as a message?
You might want to start a lil’ “get to know you” dialogue with the part. “Hey there. What’s your name?” “What do you like?” “What do you love doing?” The usual questions you ask when getting to know somebody.
The cake in your refrigerator keeps going missing and you don’t remember eating it and no one else lives with you? Maybe paste a post-it note at the fridge. “Hi there, whoever it is who loves my cake. What kind of cake do you like? Perhaps I could get one for you.” It’s a way to show care for your parts (if indeed they are parts) and hopefully they can leave your cake alone after establishing a good relationship with them. Maybe ask to share the cake(s).
Blended/Blurry/Co-front/Co-consciousness/I don’t know who’s at the front
I see other systems facing this issue quite a bit. Especially when they are still relatively new to discovering they are a system, or are ones that may have a hard time distinguishing between parts.
A trend I personally notice is that in such instances the parts may simultaneously speak one after another (e.g. in an active conversation with a friend) to that friend. You might want to tell the friend to “hold on a moment”, and try speaking internally to the part(s) via your thought process or verbally if you’re okay with that. Depending on the context of the conversation you had with your friend, what you say to your part(s) may be different, but a good starter is “hey, who’s this speaking?”, “hi! who’s around here?”, “hmm, what makes you say that?” Generally this is easier to do if the conversation with your friend is over text messaging as it can potentially be quite puzzling for your friend to witness if they aren’t aware of multiplicity.
The same approach can be done if you notice similar chaos “at the front” (active consciousness) while going about your day.
Wrapping it up
The important first part is to establish communications with your parts. Sometimes you don’t get a response, and that’s okay. Your parts need to trust you too, and they may not immediately trust you, or trust the environment they are in and may remain silent for now.
(TW: Mention of Abuse – One Paragraph)
Parts may sometimes also present as mute, if they happen to be a trauma holder for an abuse that involves a perpetrator silencing the body’s right to speak in the past.
Continue to speak to your parts, narrate your daily life to them if you have the chance to, speak to them like actual people, and see what comes around. Observe, be patient, and be sensitive.
Don’t forget that leaving notes around is an option too! They might write back.
Journey along, and when you’re ready, look up for a DID-specialised clinician in your area for an assessment. Always educate yourself as much as possible about what you believe you might be going through. The CTAD Clinic on YouTube is a trusted resource for Complex Trauma and Dissociative conditions if you think videos are your cup of tea.
Written by S.J.W.
Diploma in Counselling Skills
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References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
Carlson, E. B., & Putnam, F. W. (1993). Dissociative Experiences Scale-II (DES-II) [Database record]. APA PsycTests.
https://doi.org/10.1037/t86316-000