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I think I've been dealing with depression since I was 13, at first I thought it was because puberty but I'm 22 now that means I'm not a teenager anymore and I'm feeling worst, I didn't know what I wanted to study in college so I chose something I thought "I could be good at it" but don't have interest on it... I'm almost finishing college and I don't feel capable of maintaining a job I'm sure I can get one but my personal issues makes me an irregular person, till this day I can't control how to not to cry in public, I cry and get anxious and even start to hyperventilate and I hate myself for it.
I have thought about ending my life but I don't know I just say to myself that maybe "tomorrow will better" but I have been saying this to myself since I was 13!! and it just only gets worst.
Another thing that throw me down it's that my family, specially my mother is always pushing me! I really love my mom I really really love her and I don't know what I would do without her (I still take her hand while crossing a street or just in the street because I'm so scared to lose her!) but my mother way of raising children hasn't be the best one, she has raised insecure children, my brother still doesn't know what to really do with his life, but it seems he's almost finding it! I haven't yet and my little sis is dealing with the same struggle as me!!! I really hate when my mothe start talking and says "when I was in high school I knew what I wanted to study in college" "nowadays kids have it a lot of easier, when I was in college I was really poor and couldn't afford any text book so I'll borrow someone else" "there were days when I was starving but that didn't stop me, I finish college and graduated". Seriously I get my mom had had a hard time, yes I understand it, but my problems are emotionally, I mean fuck! I don't want to feel like this, I didn't ask for it, I wish I was able to enjoy life as others do, I'm always trying new things and see if something catch my interest, but nothing haven't. I feel so lost I don't even know who I am!!! and that's driving me crazy! my time of discovering myself is ending. Also I have insecurities about my body, since I was 11 I started getting fat! I don't know why, I was like really skinny when I was younger but every year I gain weight, when I was in high school started practicing tennis, I used to practiced 1 hour and a half then I would went to the gym to do 30 mins on the treadmill, I gave up, I mean I haven't be "fat" like other people but always overweight and that's not good! but I gave up because after a 3 months I didn't lose any pound! I was okay if it would had be at least 1 pound but nothing!! so I spent my whole high school year feeling ashamed of my body fat, but didn't really care about, I still overweight but since last year I started to working out again, I was doing a bootcamp program but I didn't work on me. So I started just going to the gym, I used to do 30 mins on the treadmill and then use other machines, NOTHING again not even 1 pound! I went to see a doctor and he told me nothing was wrong, so okay I was okay with it, because I mean I know I eat healthy, I'm working out; so I'm healthy and that's what really matters, I started just to do cardio only, I've been doing it for around 8 or more months and you wanna know? I'm losing weight but nothing!! since I started I have lost just 6 pounds, and no, I'm not gaining muscles, I just make treadmill around 1 hourd and half, walking with inclination; according to the treadmill I walk from 3 to 4 miles every time. I still can not lose weight and my mother is pushing me a lot about,she's always "Oh my you're fat, you should eat less" (I don't really eat a lot, I use a plate for BABIES because that makes you eat less (when you see a plate full of food you felt you eat a lot), then she looks at my body and see my stretch marks and starts yelling "look at those stretch marks, that's because you're getting fatter, eat less and use some lotion for stretch marks" BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! I got them when I hit puberty! then again she starts "use more lotion, you have the skin as your father" then she starts complaning about my hair and that I should use lof of things on it to make it more "manageable" I mean I try but mother nature and also genetic wanted it like that, I told her "why did you married dad, then?" I also got my father's type of hair. I think she's always telling me that because she's worry that maybe I won't get marry ever, because I'm 22 and NEVER had a boyfriend, boys don't find me "beautiful" or "cute", and I mean I haven't like anybody either (seriously)
I'm feeling alone and lost, I can't even talk to my friends anymore, because I always start talking about how I feel and now I'm feeling like I shouldn't be bothering them with my problems, their have a life and their own problems... I don't know what to do, I've been thinking about ending my life... But I again, I don't know I'm still waiting for something good to happens, but when you don't know who you are, what you like, what you want to do and where to go in life, well it's really hard.
I can't get help, pyschologist here are REALLY expensive, JUST ONE session cost the same amount I pay in college every month! and nobody gets better in just one session, and goverment doesn't provide help either, they aren't groups for people with mental or emotional problems, here that's not a priority, that's why lot of people kill their family and then commit suicide, but the goverment doesn't care. I once tried to tell my parents to take my to a pyschologist (not directly, I just started talking about something that happened in the country) but my mother just started saying "I don't know why someone needs to see a psychologist, if someone has a roof, food on the table, a bed and clothing, they shouldn't have any kind of problems" and my father just said "you wanna know what I do with crazy people? I take them to a farm and leave them there sleeping with pigs and cows"... So I can't afford pyschologycal help and I hate myself because I have so many blessings but I still being this ungratel big craying baby! I deserve to be punish, some times all I want it's to be hit until be dead, I deserve it... If you made it till here, thank you, I just need to feel that at least ONCE in my life someone wants to read what I needed to say, there's more about my life, but I could make a whole book about.