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Hello. I've signed up here tonight because for whatever reason I have a tiny bit of wind in my sails for now. Ultimately I am catastrophically unhappy in every way and although I want to be able to not feel bad constantly, I want to stop doing whatever I do that contributes to that, I also don't actually feel hopeful right now that there is help for me at this point (due to many repeated bad experiences) so I'm here trying to start at the very bottom which is to have any belief that things will be able to get better. I am more than capable of working on things. I just have to believe in anything and I am really struggling.
I didn't know what area to post in but I have 34 years of long term traumas under my belt, so that's a big factor. I've tried on my own to get help over and over and over and seen therapists unsuccessfully (they have almost always only intensified my feelings of anger and hatred and alienation) and psychiatrists unsuccessfully who seemed repeatedly confused and non committed to a sound diagnosis, told me I was difficult and threw random medications at me until I could shut up and go away. They've said I have mood disorders, thought disorders, psychosis, what have you, but I consistently felt like they do not hear me. I always brought up nightmares that drove me to catastrophic unwellness and they say let's just ignore that right now.
There felt like there was a point when I was getting better but honestly I don't know anything anymore. It was when I was extremely unhappy and isolated and living with someone who appeared to have NPD which was overall, deeply unpleasant for me, because it facilitated an environment where I was subjected to types of abuse from childhood all over again, non stop, until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I gave up the life I was trying to make and I left. I had nowhere to go except back with an abusive parent. I hoped somehow that it would be ok, that it was only a small stepping stone to a life where I might feel ok again. But what I wanted to mention before was during that time I did learn some things, tools to really keep a level head, to try not to be a jerk to people even when it felt like they were asking for it, I thought I was learning to be optimistic and resilient and supportive. I had friends there and a lot I was thankful for, except for living in a hell house with someone I hated who obviously hated me too. Anyway, I leave, and things just get worse and worse and worse. I'm isolated, suffering from worrying physical problems that make me more depressed, limit my independence, and so on, I have so little money, no friends here, and now all my online friends are tired of me. I'm a really unfortunate bummer for them. I've gotten no real emotional support after this. When I first got here I was trying, I went to the domestic violence shelter to seek help and those people were offensively insensitive and incompetent, I got a phone specifically to call the suicide hotline and that's all my call log is for 7+ months. I called them a lot for a while after the counseling didn't pan out and it was not helpful at all. And that has been really frightening. I used to call regularly enough and I found it would help but now it only makes me feel worse. The people on the other line don't seem to have any empathy, they don't hear me, and they lash out. I went to another place in town, the pride center, this was after I posted in a group online asking basically what I'm asking here which was for any bit of encouragement to have hope, that there is hope. I went to the pride center clearly in crisis, I talked to someone, they said they were referring me for counseling and they would call me back tomorrow. They never called. I ask a friend for any leads on any way out, they say oh I'll call you back about a job, they don't call. Friends say call them whenever but I call a week after or text even just trying to be a decent friend and talk about what they want to, I do care about these people, but they don't answer, they don't call back, or text back. They tell me they are there but they aren't, then they catch wind that I feel friendless and they think I'm being unreasonable. It's been everything for a year now. I struggle daily trying to tell myself I want to live.
If anyone knows how to realistically improve from this point, I do want to, but I'm incredibly low on energy, resources, terribly hurt by people and I feel completely hopeless.