NahsLain Member Profile

...See more Hi everone, Shan here. Im just writting to vent a little bit. This situation is a bit weird but I'll try to explain. Im 37 years old and never been able to move out of home, mostly due to mental health first, and then, when I finally was feeling capable of , my mom had a brain stroke, and was hospitalized and bedridden for a time. Actually I live with my mom whos 62 and my grandma who's 95. But she's lucid and still autonomous. I grew up with them in this house. Im from South am and here, things are difficult. My family has a very very weird codependent attachment to this house. Its not built for someone who has movement issues. Full of stairs, 3 floors, all chaotic because it was built by my grandpa and uncle. My grandma I believe she has narcisistic personality disorder, or at least, narcisistic tendencies. She always was abusive towards mom and I, and i had to grow up witnessing fights, being emotionally, psychologically and even phisically abused. My mom had no way to cope with her trauma of being raised by my grandma, so she also was very very emotionally abusive, controlling and overprotecting, to a degree that they didnt even let me cut my own hair, or know how to handle money. I was trapped, but slowly I started to gain independence, and also, been heavy on therapy for the last 7 years. My grandma is insufferable. Specially with my mom. She treats her like trash, bad mouths her and is going deaf , so she now speaks a lot of trash out loud and thinks we dont hear her. She insults her and berates her and made my life impossible while I had to take care of my mom when she came from the hospital and had to start her rehab. And what's worse, as she doesnt like anyone, wouldnt let anyone in to help me out with the care of my mom, or would throw to the trash the food I'd cook an entire day because she hates vegetables and food without salt. Now its almost christmas, and hollidays are hell here. Nonstop fighting and i cant concentrate on my work (im an illustrator/artist). And I still have very little money to go and move away from here. The most unfair thing was when I was about to leave home, i had just found a job, and was doing great tring to move out, saving money to find somewhere to rent, and all went to hell when mom had her stroke and I was left trapped with my horrible grandma not being able to deal with the fact that she wasnt the center of atention anymore, and berated my mom "for her lazyness". I want to get out of here so bad, but doing so means I have to leave my mom (who now is more autonomous but has mobility issues) alone with my horrible trash grandma and I feel like she will die before my grandma does out of pure stress. But I also, my mom is a whole plate on her own too. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting to be alone and away from them both. Sometimes I wish my grandma just died already. And leaving her alone in the huge house, where she doesnt even cook or do stuff and just demands we do everything, means litterally leaving her to die eventually. Its like I cant win either way. I dont have children nor a partner, and I deff cant have a love life or even a fulfilled career when I constantly have to put up with their bs and constant fighting and codependence. I feel like im raising them, and whats worse: There will come a time in which my grandma will become bedridden and I will have to take care of her, including cleaning her diapers and I feel like i'd rather suicide than go through that. Sorry for the rant, but this situation is helpless, and I know the moment I leave this house, everything will be chaos and for sure one of them will fall ill. I hate this. I hate my grandma so much. Tbh idk what to do, i feel helpless and all I can do is try to work but I earn too little money yet to live on my own. To make matters worse, I myself have health issues regarding endometriosis and lately spent a lot of money on blood exams and ecotomographies. I dont have many friends, and the few ones I have , all have their own issues too. I can hear my grandma badmouthing aloud from my room , cursing us and hoping horrible things happen to us, and its exhausting. I hate all this so much, for her I hate the elderly and also hate the idea of maternity because I havent had a single moment for me my own without them both occupying space in my mind. Sorry for the long rant, I just wish this to be over

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