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Could really really do with some advice. I've flown to Australia to live and work for a year and hopefully clear my head from the breakup I've been going through .
I say going through; i first broke up with my girlfriend over 4 months ago but wounds are still very much raw.
We'd had one argument too many and admittedly I stormed out. This wasn't the first time I had done this so when she didn't come after me I could soon tell she was sick of it.
I was unemployed at the time and had been for some time, self esteem was at an all time low, and no reassurance was ever offered up If I was worried or concerned about something.
This is the of the main reasons our relationship had been under strain until that point. When I apologised for walking out on her she said it was too late, she was down for remaining friends but besides that she wasn't interested anymore.
When she eventually met with me after 3 weeks she gave a whole bunch of reasons what was wrong with the relationship, how she couldn't go on like that and there was no going back her mind was made up. I told her what was going to change and also promised to make more effort in other areas of the relationship.I was still always making time for us, but she wanted more days out than night outs and I agreed. She said she needed time to think about it but as she was doing so we hung out until later that evening she said she was giving me another chance and if the changes were going to start they were going to start now.We went for a meal that evening and spent quality time together when we got back and slept together as usual.In the weeks that followed we were on/off and little did I know during our initial split she confided in her friend at Uni and her friend pretty much advised her against staying in a relationship with me, not only that her friend also developed a strong disliking for me based on what she told her. I was unaware of this until a couple of weeks later when I discovered she had a changed my name in her phone so when she was texting me her friend wouldn't know it was me. It was then i said enough is enough. I found her friend to be very influential to her during this time but telling my girlfriend this would only infuriate her. We were meant to be 'back together' at this point but she hadn't told her friend this hence the changing names. It certainly wasn't the positive changes I was hoping for myself. She made it clear she didn't know what she wanted before but now she knew this relationship wasn't for her. needless to say it was extremely hard to listen to. She meant what she was saying this time. She said she had a strong desire to travel, as I already knew, and live elsewhere for a bit when she finished Uni and a relationship back home just wouldn't be practical. I agreed it wouldn't but reminded her of the times we had spoke about travelling together and how when she finished Uni we would go together, how could all that go out of the window? We spoke so fondly of the where we would go. She had changed her mind now. Said she wanted to go alone. Said it wouldn't work anyway and she didn't want to 'miss' anyone while she was away. I knew she was right in a lot of ways but still was hard to take. It was then I revealed to her my plans to go myself and that if this really was the end i would be going a lot sooner than her infact. She was happy for me and said that was what I needed anyway. We mutually agreed that in which case we should remain friends and still hang out until I went because there was so many things we shared a mutual fondness for and and letting go of all that would be silly. As one might expect though we carried on sleeping together, and acting as boyfriend and girlfriend when no one else was around. She justified it as being the transition period before I went away. For me It was still love so didn't feel wrong. I just went with it. The lust was just incredibly difficult to resist for both of us. But there was a new air of fun loving between us now we knew where we stood and that sat well for a day or so, we came to blows when other people were involved and her plans suddenly changed. We weren't in a relationship anymore I knew that but still felt like she shouldn't just abandon plans, her answer was I don't get any special treatment I'm just a friend to her now and I should be flexible. It was a pretty bad bust up in front of other people and I had at least hoped we could sustain what we had as friends until I went away but wasn't to be. We didn't speak for 3 weeks until she got in touch about something we booked while we were together, I didn't want to waste the tickets and despite everything that had happened still hoped she would get in touch and we could call truce. She said she couldn't make it but I was welcome to stay at hers that weekend (as she lived alot closer to the event than me ) after a short phone call it became obvious she wasn't in a good way. She'd been staying up til all hours the last 2 weeks trying to complete an assignment, and took a concentration drug she ordered off the internet as the deadline was drawing closer. She also informed me she hadn't been eating and was becoming very emotional. I went up to her Uni Accom to take her food, and look after her. We went to the event the following day after putting a work plan in place to complete her assignment on time but she got so blind drunk we had to leave early, she didn't remember any of it and the whole day was a disaster.I advised her at the event we were there all day and to pace herself but that only caused another argument. I didn't hold it against her the next day and just wanted to forget about it. I was meant to go home the next day but stayed with her all week doing her washing and trying to bring her food just keeping an eye on her really. When i slept she was still awake, when I woke she would still be at her desk. I knew this wasn't normal but every time I thought about involving a doctor talked myself out of it thinking she might take offence and that she would need to go herself anyway.Later that week I went home and less than a week passed before we came to blows over text again for something so trivial. She was drinking with her friends for the first time in a while and I told her to enjoy her night. She said no need to be annoyed with her for having a life. I explained that wasn't the case at all . She questioned why she was even speaking to me. I reminded her i thought that much would be obvious after 5 long days we had spent just enjoying each other's company. She told me I didn't have her best interests at heart which hurt because I thought I displayed quite the opposite that week.
I had to draw a line once again and say if that's how you feel then any more of my time is wasted on you.
We were at battle when we spoke which was only over text, sometimes every other day, then 2 weeks would pass without any contact. But when she did initiate contact I would always try and level with her knowing I would be going very soon and there was no time for bickering now. I was only interested in making peace and always addressed her in an amicable way so she wouldn't misperceive anything I typed. Even that didn't work, i was noticing she would find fault in literally anything i would say or reference something I had said or done in the past. I made it known to her my flights were booked now and I didn't know when id be coming back. Regardless of how she felt about recent events she should put that to one side because we were worth more than that.
That didn't seem to phase her. She continued being extremely hostile with me over text. She was busy right up until the day before I was going away. I, quite stupidly agreed it would be easier if I came to her. Even though I felt it was for her to come to me now if she wanted to say anything. She insisted she was busy still. We met halfway and she gave me a few gifts. We went back to hers during the evening, and spent the night together. She told me she had been to see a doctor since I saw her last, and that she had been signed off with insomnia meaning her exams were pushed back a couple of months. Before long We discussed things that had gone on over the last few weeks. She told me what she wasn't happy about and I told her about what I wasn't happy about but at the end of the night the intimacy was like that of when we first got together and probably better.
We eventually parted for the last time the following day and on good terms.Kissed each other goodbye, gave a big hug and she gave me envelopes to write to her.
Since I went away and it had only been a week, I asked how she's doing (over messenger) to which she was reluctant to tell me at first. shortly after asking her about her day and how she was feeling she told me she was feeling a bit 'ugly' and 'unsure' then because that was 'overwhelming' she felt 'sad'.
That she wanted to be 'nice looking' but wasn't sure if it was bad to be jealous of others. She proclaimed her innocence that even if that was the case she wasn't a bad person. I attempted to reassure her telling her people were infact jealous of her that's what she didn't realise. That she wasn't a bad person by any means and that I and many others appreciated her for the person she was. I continued that all the exercise she'd been talking about was just what she needed for some natural feel good endorphins.
Before long though the conversation broke down, she appeared to annoyed at herself for over speaking. I reassured her it wasn't a problem, that I asked her to tell me but it was too late - She concluded that I shouldn't ask her those sorts of questions if I didn't like the answer and deleted me.
I would have been in disbelief had I not built up a tolerance to her recent outbursts.
Even after that I sent her some positivity pictures reminding her she's loved and she just laughed all told me how naff they were. I said ok fair enough and explained they weren't meant to be over serious but little anecdotes to cheer her up, her response was that she can't connect to them, that the first one was especially 'awful' and 'lame' so me sending them is more about me expressing myself. Being at the end of my tether by now I suggest she block me if there's nothing I can say without causing uproar and she did just that.
As it stands She's blocked me on all social formats pretty much, but I know from a friend is still posting pictures of positivity about how her life is moving in the right direction now.
I really feel she's a beautiful soul but going through a tough time mentally at the moment and I'm feeling the brunt of it. Her and her brothers seem to take it in turns as there's a history of mental health in her family.
Since she blocked me I hadn't heard from her for two weeks then she messaged me today (on the only social platform I still have her) sounding really annoyed that my friend who dropped her belongings round to her (from when she & I use to live together) has accidentally dropped some of my own belongings, it was an error on his behalf but he was kind enough to do it but she acts so ungrateful about it.. It's almost like she lives to make sure drama exists between us both yet when we are together (which won't be for a long time now) we can get on so well and there's still that affection between us. Yet, so long as we are in contact only though messaging we are toxic to one another it seems.
We use to be able talk about anything. Now I can't talk to her about anything without a full blown argument breaking out. It's only a rarity I will foresee the argument and manage to diffuse it, or rather to put it off til the following day.
I don't know whether her desire for me is ever changing, that she does still want to be with me deep down and is infact bitter about me being proactive about the breakup or she does clearly hate so many things about me but can't confess to it because of the positive aura she must portray.
I suspect she has some sort of mental condition but can't quite put my finger on it. I don't want to slander her for it although it frustrates me to the extent of telling her so sometimes. I just want to know how to manage it and remain in her life without her repeatedly losing her temper with me for trivial things and erasing me.
What hurts more is I said to her before we got together while we were still friends, to remain as friends in fear I would fall too deep and she would grow to hate me, and exactly that has happened, and although she claims she doesn't hate me (I think that is more to do with the positivity she wants to project). all of her behaviour towards me is that of a hateful, embittered and resentful person. It's almost like she's incapable of being nice back to me any longer. When she is its always a brief stint, out of the blue and i know isnt going to be long before she becomes volatile towards me agai for something probably miniscule or from when we were together. When I look back on how we started its quite unbelievable how things have turned out. Some friends will tell me to wash my hands of her but I simply cannot let go.I've come to the other side of the world and even though its only been 3 weeks i just know its not going away. I'm a Scorpio (starsign) so am really feeling this, more than i should be i suspect. I know people will tell me ive got loads to look forward to but what i've already learnt is that no matter how far you travel, how many distractions you have or how many new people you meet. Theres no getting away from whats meant to be, but is the misery really necessary meanwhile? and if its not meant to be then why does no one else interest me in that way. Why do i only yearn for intimacy with just her.I realise also i haven't made it easy on myself by staying with friends out here from back home who speak ill of females very regularly and are promiscuous to say the least. All of which i forgot about before i met them out hereI don't even feel like im in the right environment to overcome this saga.How far do i have to go to free my mind?