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Montiebella
818 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 34 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes34 Current upvotes34 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceApril 7, 2016
Recent forum posts
big life change - do i need a break up?
Relationship Stress / by Montiebella
Last post
 October 27th, 2019
...See more hi I've been very sick and wheelchair bound for almost all of my teenage years (8years). During those years, I was either in relationships or too ill to get out of bed so i have never really experienced being single and happy. Currently, i'm in a two year relationship with a man I love and I don't think there is any thing actually wrong with the relationship. But back in july, found out I had been misdiagnosed with a lifelong illness and I was then diagnosed with chronic lyme disease, which means I can be healthy again and will have the power to be independant, which is something I never thought I could have. This changes everything, and although there is nothing wrong in our relationship, I think my love for him might be fading and for the last few months ive felt happier when im alone and doing my own thing. I feel like i'm being really selfish but honestly im just so confused with everything i'm feeling. I keep thinking about breaking up... is this normal? what should I do?
Im free? [Trigger Warning]
Trauma Support / by Montiebella
Last post
 April 25th, 2018
...See more Hi, I'm Ro :) A lot of big things are suddenly changing in my life and I'm not sure how to handle them. I thought making this diary thread would help me a lot, because I can express my feelings and maybe get some advice from you lovely people :) So, I'll start with why I'm actually in this trauma community. When I was 12, I was abducted, tortured and raped. I was being bullied really bad at the time, and on that certain day, I found myself skipping class and wandering the school hallways in a dissociated kind of daze from being so sad and also hit in the head with a coatpeg. I walked past these big window/doors that lead to the front yard and carpark, and a man walked up looking worried about me. He got my attention and started talking to me. He seemed to care about me and his positivity made me feel a little better. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him and keep having this talk and I said yes. After 5mins of walking and talking, his grip on my shoulder tightened as we walked closer to an abandoned or just un-loved-looking house. Forced me into the house and you know what happened from there. Omg this is harder than I thought it would be to write down. I noticed a gun in a slightly open draw. This TERRIFIED me but in the end, it was what saved my life. The man went away to roll a cigarette im guessing. I wasn't restrained, he probably thought that a little kid wouldn't be able or want to move after being tortured in the way he did to me, but I was an intelligent kid and in complete survival mode at that point. I remembered how I had been tought to shoot a rifle and a pistol in scouts, I dove for the gun, turned the safety off, went around the corner and shot 3 or 4 ish times and hit the man in the arm. Thank god it was loaded or I would probably be dead now. All of this happened during a maximum of 6 hours (that was the length of a normal school day. I am not sure of the timespan yet.) When I escaped, I saw a few kids in uniforms hanging around so thought school had finished and went straight to where my mum was meant to pick me up. She said I was late and noticed I was soaking wet from the rain (I had an umberella in my bag but I didnt want to use it, I just wanted to feel the rain, feel something nice again) but she never noticed the bruises. Its now been 5 years and I am about to turn 17. Ive only just started working through this and goddamn I wish I had told my mum earlier, then it would have all been over quicky and I wouldnt be in this mess. Anyways, I appologise if any of this doesn't make sense, I can't bring myself to read through it and edit. - Ro
I am a liar - what do you think of me?
Relationship Stress / by Montiebella
Last post
 March 11th, 2018
...See more Ive been trying to work some stuff out in my head, cause I am ashamed of lying to people. Ive been doing it for years and didnt have any idea why until recently. I lie about my main identity. Things like name, age etc. I pretty much just lie about my age now. I am 16 nearly 17 but my friends and boyfriend think I am 18. I now believe I do it because I was abused when I was younger. Once I escaped, I was very paranoid about my attacker finding me again, so I completely changed my appearance, and went by a different name and age. I go by my real name now, but telling people my age TERRIFIES me. It is the one thing left that makes me a different person from the one my abuser knew (does that make any sense?) Anyway, its been nearly 5 years since I escaped, I have stopped isolating myself, am safe and now have a very large social life and a boyfriend. None of which know my real age. However, I reckon they will find out soon because I have a boyfriend now. I mean its pretty easy to keep friends at arms length, but you cant do that in a relationship. So he is bound to find out, or Ill end up telling him, and he is friends with all my friends so they will find out too. I cant really ask him to keep this secret from all our friends and carry on the lie can I. Also, I had a relationship before the one Im in now and it ended because he found out that I was lying about my age. Now him and his friends hate me and dont understand. So, I am telling you all this to ask you a question: if you were in my friends and boyfriends position, what would you think of me? If you were emotionally attached to me and had just found out I had been lying to your face all this time, could you forgive me?
I can't do it anymore
Disability Support / by Montiebella
Last post
 May 12th, 2016
...See more I don't know if I should post this in chronic illness or depression, so I guess I'll post to both. Ive had a load of chronic illnesses for over 3 years now. I can't cope anymore. I can't live like this anymore but I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck in a broken body and the only way out is death. I don't want to suicide but I can't carry on. I don't want my family to go through grieving me but I just can't do this anymore. I don't know how! I can't do this anymore
I feel stuck, mentally and physically
Depression Support / by Montiebella
Last post
 April 18th, 2016
...See more I'm really struggling right now. I'm stuck under a thick layer of no emotion (from anti depressants) and under that layer is too much pain to cope with. I'm also chronically ill, so not only am I stuck in my own mind, I'm stuck in a broken body. I don't even feel human anymore.
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