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MerciIsScreaming
647 M Embraced 5
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts87 Forum upvotes123 Current upvotes123 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2016 Member sinceJuly 2, 2015
Bio
Hi. My name is Mersadies, i'm 20 (amlost 21). I struggle with depression, self harm, and anxiety. I love nature, photography, animals, music, and lots more stuff that I can't think of at the moment. My favorite bands are Black Veil Brides, Andy Black, SayWeCanFly, Juliet Simms, and many more. My favorite book is Willow by Julia Hoban. Music helps me cope with everyday life. I don't know what else to add, but there's that, if you're interested. :)
Recent forum posts
​feeling kind of lost and/or stuck
General Support / by MerciIsScreaming
Last post
 May 20th, 2016
...See more I'm in a little bit of a predicament; I need a new car but I don't necessarily want a new one right now, and I want to go to photography school. But there is almost no way I can pay for both of those things at the same time. It would take at least six months to save up enough money to afford to pay the tuition in full, or I can make payments but thats more expensive, and it would take almost a year to pay off a car. Either way i'd be putting off school for even longer, and either way I would be buying a car eventually. But since I dont know how much longer my car is going to last, getting a new car sounds like the best option. But also going to school for something I love sounds like a good option. I dont know what to do. And I dont want to do something thats going to make other people happy and not necessarily make me happy. I think doing this school thing would make me happy, and I think getting a new car could make happy because I would hopefully be less paranoid that my car will breakdown at anytime. I dont really want to take a chance and have this potential car be sold before I could make decision and then have my car die forever and not have an option right under my nose. But I also need to do something with my life or at least have a plan and not just sit here (school). I feel like either way id be winning but also losing, winning cause I get the thing I want/need but losing cause im not getting the other thing I want/need. That sounds kinda pretentious but I hope someone understands where im coming from. So yeah I feel kinda lost because I dont know what to do and im kinda stuck in this rut of not knowing what to do and not taking action. And I don't really have anyone to talk to about this who could at least try and help me, or try to give me advice, so i'm posting it to get it off my chest. I hope everyone is having a good day :)
daily headaches
Disability Support / by MerciIsScreaming
Last post
 May 20th, 2016
...See more I legitimately have headches every day, some days worse than others. They're not migraines, just headaches. I've been to doctors and what they have to offer is either an explanation, an "I don't know", or an expensive treament. I know one rreason for these headaches, but I don't think that causes all of them. I've tried meds, both prescription or drug store pain relievers. None of them really help. I used to love reading, still do, but with these headaches its so hard to read, especially since reading books makes my headaches worse. Some days I can just go about my bussiness and ignore the ache, other days it literally stops me in my tracks. Even on those days I still have to do my daily stuff. My mom also has this but its chronic migraines. I don't get migraines often. I feel bad for the people around me because I compain about my headhcaes (I try not to complian though). It makes it hard to function sometimes and do anything, except sometimes its so bad I actually cry, and get tempted to go to the hopspital, but damn thats expensive too. Having this definitly doesn't help with my depression. I'm kinda at my wits ends with this. I hope everyone is having a good day :)
Wanting to end a kind of "toxic" friendship/ramblings about friendship
Relationship Stress / by MerciIsScreaming
Last post
 May 14th, 2016
...See more So this friend, I used to consider him to be my best friend, is also my cousin and I want to end this friendship ASAP. He is a jerk for one, he uses me, treats me/almost everyone bad, he has very little consideration for anyone other than himself. We have been friends our whole lives pretty much, we would be really close, then really distant, then close again, so on and so forth. We used to be good friends to eachother, until I realized how much of an a**hole he really is. I started to put more distance between us, and if I didn't have to take him to school on saturdays (different story) then I would'nt even have him in my life anymore. I love him because he's family, and yes cutting off this friendship is going to be hard, espescially since he is pretty much my only friend, but it needs to happen. As soon as he graduates, which will be in five or six months, I think that'll be the end of it honestly. I don't know how to explain what he does and how he acts, it frustrates me so much. This friendship practically follows the points for being a "toxic" friendship. I wish I could explain the way he acts and all that, so it'd be easier for others to understand, but I don't know how. I guess I technically have like 2 friends, my cousin (the one this is about), and my roomate/boss (I nanny my roomates kids, so she is techniaclly my boss as well). That's it, once I drop this friendship i'll have 1 friend, and then when this job ends, i'll probably have none. Sometimes I feel as though I can go my whole life without friends, and then sometimes I feel like I need a lot of friends. I accept that I don't really have friends, i'm a loner anyway, but as I said sometimes I feel that I need friends, because besides family, I don't really have anyone to do things with and having social anxiety it'd be nice to have some people who understand that and would go places with me, like stores, and out to lunch and all that type of stuff. It'd also be nice if I wasn't the only one with money so I wouldn't be paying for the all the things that we do, it could be split, or traded off. like this time i'll pay, and then next time you pay. (my roomate has a job so she pays if we do something together, but that isn't often). Anyway, I don't know where i'm going with this.. So I guess that's it. I hope everyone is having a good day :)
some related thoughts I have that I can't really share with anyone
Depression Support / by MerciIsScreaming
Last post
 May 11th, 2016
...See more So i've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety a couple years ago. I've tried medications and counsling, none of the meds helped, they either made me worse or did absolulty nothing. The counsling isn't really helping either but i'm trying to stick with it and hope that it does help. I've been at what I thought was rock bottom in terms of depression, and then got back up to a somewhat more stable level. But i've felt myself gettting worse over the past few months, and slipping back down thru the levels. I've been tempted to try different meds and hope that they help, but i'm hesitant with that. See, I don't want people to worry about me even if they should, so I fake smile and fake being fine, because I feel like people get tired of my sadness/inabillity to function well. Or at least get tired of me talking about it, even though I don't talk about it often. I don't know what to do really. Anyway I think thats all I really wanted to share.
open diary section? okay, i'll try it out
Journals & Diaries / by MerciIsScreaming
Last post
 May 12th, 2016
...See more Well I have some things in my mind, I guess. This will probably be lots of scattered topics. Hmm I'm turning 21 in about month, thats kinda scary. I don't know what to do with my life, i'm stuck in a rut. I don't know if I should go back to school or try online courses, or get a 2nd part itme job. I need a new car and I need perscription sunglasses, and I really want my own place (like an apartment). All of that costs money, the school, the online courses, the car, sunglasses etc. So really a 2nd part time job would probably be the best thing, but honeslty i'm already so exhausted everyday just by how my life is now, I don't know how i'd be able to do any of those other things. I'm super happy about this new Andy Black album that came out a few days ago, it's such a great album, i've listened to it on repeat ever since it was released. If anyone reads this, or at least reads this far, I hope you're having a good day. and if nobody does read this, that's ok, i'm not expecting people to. anyway.. I really don't know what else to write, so I guess that'll do for now. ~~~~
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