A brief version of my story : dad and mom broke up when i was 3. they had 3 kids, myself and my older sister and younger brother. apparently i was crying as a child cause i was a "daddy's girl" so my mom left me on the side of the road with a box of just like toys and shit and called my dad "if you wont get her, children's aid will!". Cool. Didnt learn that until i was 17 , and the information was used as a power play to try and manipulate me into stupid stuff. Moving forward. Dad lived with this new lady and she had kids. thats fine for me, but apparently not for them. the boy child became sexually adventurous with me, and him being almost 10 years older then me just made it seem like it was normal. The only other boy i knew, was my younger brother. so my 4 year old self was an idiot and did idiot things. When my parents learned of this when i was around 19 (i caught him. he was taking pictures and lent me his laptop for video games and i stumbled upon them. they wernt hidden well) my dad was furious, but just stayed at work. did nothing. my step mom says "oh, well. boys will be boys. haha" and nothing was resolved. From the age of 4 - 15 (around the first time i moved out) i was emotionally and physically abused by my dads new wife. if i was sick , she claimed i was a filthy liar and would make me clean the house top to bottom, every dish in the cup board, and sing cinderella songs at me all the while (true story. she sat on the steps and drank beer and watched with the front door open). any way.. i could go on forever about that. I was "accidentally" locked in my room for hours at a time, my step sister was physically abusive cause she had no dad, so she was jealous i had a dad and cause her mom treated me like shit, she adopted the behaviour that i was filth and treated me as such. she used to take my diary and spread all the pages around school. i was heavily bullied at school and to this day, i have hard times writing things out (this is my second time on this site. i posted a huge message on a forum, freaked out and deleted my account )

uhm, at moms house, it wasnt much better. She fell heavily onto random drugs (i think weed and cocaine ,although im not positive about the cocaine, but i have walked in on her doing some stuff.. snorting things and hiding under blankets ,,on the living room couch at 3 in the afternoon.. with random men.. and then being in her room for hours after they left). With my mom on drugs and booze, she became super duper violent. She shoved my older sister down the basement stairs, she pulled our hair, punched us in the stomach.. anything and everything this woman did. me and my sister decided to protect our younger brothers (she had another child over the years) and they hardly know her wrath.

All my boyfriends have been terrible, the first was into heavy drugs and would have all sorts of parties and people coming in and out of the house. i moved in with him before he got into drugs, but once we got comfortable, he started experimenting.. which ment everything else he started was falling apart. he didnt shower, he had lice that would crawl off his brush by the sink (for real) his room had a pile of clothes in the corner that he would shove into the bathroom ..for space? during parties. people stood on his cloths and pissed all over them (i would imagine with all the booze and drugs) , his dishes were piled high with flies and bugs crawling through them. One day.. One day i just stood up and said " i cant do this anymore"and left. it was just like that. he blew a hole in his wall out of confusion. i never went back. his new girlfriend threatened to beat me up. i laughed and said that SHE should be running for the hills cause he is no catch.

Second boyfriend i was with for a fraction of the time i was with the last guy. never lived with him. at this point i moved back in to the shit show thats my dads house , of which i was thrown in a tiny room for 6 months for moving out then back in (i guess they were laughing at me for failing? or something.. it was cold in there). anyway. new guy. he was a party guy. in the clubs and stuff. i didnt know that about him until i hit my 18th birthday and became legal. i told him im not into clubs and stuff, i dont mind having A beer or two, but ive seen through both parents and first boyfriend, where drinking goes and i dont like it. He ignored it and went and had a threesome with two chicks. came back a week after my birthday, took me to the zoo and looked at me when he dropped me off at home "you know.. that was the best saturday of my life. I dont think we will work out" and thats the last i saw of him. my birthday is forever meaningless (as if my parents celebrated it anyway.. thats another story lol.)

devastated , i quit my part time job and got a factory job for awesome amounts of money but it was 40-50 hours a week.. if not more depending on what the Buyer wanted. i had no life. i moved into the basement of my dads house where black stuff leaked on my pillow case, and centipedes would crawl on my legs under my blankets at night. I would wake up with water around my ankles if it rained heavy, or step on slugs if the sun was out. it was horrible, but not as bad as living on the same floor as everyone else two floors up.

I met my 3rd boyfriend at new job. he was EVERYTHING. omg, i fell so hard for this guy. After 3 or 4 months he said that he could really see himself marrying me and he wanted to keep me safe "BABY!" he would always shout when i entered the room. omg. everything. It... It was a lie. behind closed doors he would tell my parents that i hated them and was chosing him over them.. which was a lie.. he told them i stole weed from them and was doing all these things.. lies.. all of them. my step mom started making me take pregnancy tests once every 2 weeks which infuriated me cause i wasnt doing anything. I whipped the last one in her face cause, like all the rest, i came up as not pregnant. i had enough of being humilated. She shoved me into the cup boards and began telling me that her and my dad are getting a divorce cause of me. its all my fault. i caused a rift, i have all these boyfriends (her children are not perfect either..) i threw a punch at her but my dad caught it, told me to knock it off then he went to work. my step mom promptly took my house key and threw me in the ally. No where else to go... I lived with boyfriend number 3..

as soon as i moved in, and had no where else to go.. his whole attitude changed. he became extremely abusive. one time i didnt cook him waffles in the morning, so he took me , hair first, from the shower and threw me out into the snow for an hour.. naked.. i just ran to the back and hid in a ball until he let me in. i made him the waffles.. one time he was throwing a party and he had two other girls come over and they set up this large cage and threw them and myself in the cage until the party was over, which was hours.. we there stripped and peed on and beer was poured onto us.. all sorts of shit happened.. this guy was not a good guy.. omg. im nervous lol. uh. okay .so i ended up getting pregnant at some point during all this and he found out. he grabbed a little black knife from his pocket and stabbed me.. ive been stabbed two other times.. but that one hurt the most. I had a miscarriage.. she had fingers and everything.. Once i was stitched i called the cops on boyfriend. 3 cop visits it took for him to go away. I moved in with dad and step mom again.. dad is now having an affair with step mom.. awesome. i never told them about anything that has ever happened to me. they dont care. I silently laid in the basement for a year and did nothing. on random nights boyfriend 3 would come to the house and knock on the basement windows and rattle me. threatened to kill me if i didnt go back with him. (oh ps, while i was with this douche, i lost my job. so.. that was a thing) I joined a hobby of my dads trying to get on his side or his attention for anything and met another guy at this place of hobby.

I invited him over one time and that happened to be one of the times bf3 came around a-knocking on all the windows, and new guy just looked at me "you will never be here again" and took me to his house. 4 years later im still with this guy. hes nice, dont get me wrong, hes put up with a lot of shit with me during my time of trying to heal. We bicker and fight a lot but i feel like.. like sometimes , yes its me i understand that my anxiety of anything that moves can get in the way, but sometimes HES at fault when we argue and he doesnt remember that he started a fight. he just pokes me, gets me defensive then yells at me for being defensive and "looking to much into it" or " youre over reacting " .. like its constant. I feel like sometimes... I cant talk to him at all. He shuts down my ideas and thoughts, he doesnt want to hear my memories or stories "i hate when you repeat yourself" .. were trying to save for a house but he blows money left right and center " I want to enjoy my life too , you know" to which i usually reply " Thats fine, but what about MY life ? you get all the things where i have to constantly keep up with you and give you all these things cause YOU want a good life. if YOU want YOUR life to be like that so bad, then why are you in a WE? IM trying to do all this for US, for a family, for a future. I want US to work but all you think about is YOU" ... okay.. i say most of that.. but some of that felt good to type.. so.. anyway.. thats the recap of my life. feel free to talk to me. i have no idea how to start conversations, i have no idea how to make friends,i have no idea about anything. Im 26, im miserable, im depressed, i often refer to myself as this swirling pool of bad luck that some people at work laughed at.. now they call it a talent. True story. Any way. Thats all i guess.. its a lot..

"The loneliest people are the kindest.
The saddest people smile the brightest.
The most damaged people are the wisest.
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."