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LostDollNC
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PathStep 12 Compassion hearts31 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceNovember 15, 2024
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Not sure where to start
Trauma Support / by LostDollNC
Last post
 November 27th
...See more I've recently begun a new treatment that seems to be making all kinds of new connections in my brain. This is making me realize that I have quite a few issues to deal with from my past. I'm lost about where to start. I can remember the following things: Age 3/4- lots of arguments between my parents. They got a legal divorce which I didn't know about til my 20s. I remember going to the airport with my mom and brother in the middle of the night to stop my father from leaving us. Then, my mom brother and I wound up in Taiwan for nearly half a year. Age 7?-17 - my brother best friend molested me and I always felt ashamed even though I knew it wasn't my fault. Throughout my childhood my father was very ill mentally. He threatened suicide every few years, making sure everyone went knew was aware of the situation. I drove through a hurricane in Texas in the dark when I was 16 because my mother couldn't do it. She had renal failure when I was 2 and had a kidney transplant 35 yrs ago, which made for a difficult life for her (in terms of health issues). He was living in another city at the time with our dogs. He was again threatening suicide and took one of the dogs to a junkyard to give away, one was shot in the woods, and I don't remember if there was a third dog at the time. My brother was in the same city and was able to assist the police in finding and taking my father into the hospital for the mandatory 3 day observation. After which, he promptly was able to leave again. When I was 15, I sassed at him while he was driving and he turned around and backhanded me. He's always been violent so I won't go into all the details. I doubt I remember them all. It may sound like I am complaining, I don't know. I'm not. I'm trying to figure out where to begin. How do I heal? I've realized that I self sabotage, through impulse. I had this attention seeking behavior that I thought was "just me". And I'm starting to feel like I don't want or need the attention anymore. The problem is that people around me have been used to me being a certain way and they may interpret my changes as uninterested, which is awful. I don't want to hurt people I love, I see so many traits my father had in me. Or at least, in me, before this treatment. I know I shouldn't count my chickens, but it's hard to deny these "next levels" in my brain. I feel like I broke through a huge wall and can actually feel these feelings like never before. But now what?
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