LittleLily Member Profile

Unable to open up

General Support / by LittleLily

April 13th, 2015

Just a little girl with trust issues and an important letter

Journals & Diaries / by LittleLily

March 10th, 2015

...See more Hi, I'm Lilyrose. This letter is something very emotional and meaningful to me. I tried to open up to my PE teacher, Miss Durkin. Though She didn't know how to respond and is now distancing herself from me. Can I please have your opinion on my letter? Should I give it to her or not?Dear Miss Durkin, I don't exactly know how to say any of this. Sorry about all the notes but there really is no other way. Obviously, this isn't going anywhere. I really would like you to understand what is wrong, and why I did everything that I did. There is a reasonable explanation for all of it. Something happened to me a year ago. Something that has severed my ability to trust. I was never physically injured, so you have nothing to worry about. This incident has unfortunately effected me both mentally and emotionally. Every time I try to talk about it, I just burst out crying. I do not want to go into detail, as you don't seem particularly interested in this, but even after a year, I am still suffering. Counseling and therapy isn't going to help. You can disagree with this, but I know myself better than anyone. I am not looking for professional help, I am looking for empathy. I do act peculiarly sometimes and I am aware of this completely. I am sure you have noticed that I do not participate in "The Game" that you do at the end of health class. I don't participate because I do not feel like it. To you, it is just a game, but to me, it is much more than that. This game triggers memories from my past. I do not believe that you would understand, so I am not going to try and explain it. Also, I would like to explain the way I act around the other kids. It took me nearly 7 months to teach myself how to do all that. I am able to raise/change my voice at the drop of a hat. Emotionally I am filled with grief. Physically, I smile. It is amazing how easy it is to fool people with a fake smile. I am able to fake just about anything. Laughing, crying, sneezing, coughing you name it I can fake it. Without my ability to hide my emotions, I would be lost. I am assuming that you have noticed, but if not, I would like you to know that I am very shy. I'm not gifted when it comes to forming relationships, as my inability to trust interferes. I am hoping to change that someday. But until that day comes, I must bear with it. I would also like you to know how you are involved in all of this. After the incident occurred, there was only one person that attempted to comfort me. This person was like a mother figure. She would braid my hair and then parade me around the building to show off her work. She cried when one of my rabbits passed. Once, she went to the craft store and bought bunny stickers, hot glue, and hair clips. During recess we made little hair clips, just because she was tired of seeing my hair in my face. I would draw her pictures and she would go around showing them to everyone. She even teared up once. She pasted that picture right on top of her desk and left it there for the whole year. After the incident happened, I was crying hysterically. She hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. I managed to smile, a real smile, not a fake one. She reminded me of all the happy memories and assured me that it would all get better. You remind me of this person, which is the sole reason I chose you. You have called me a certain nickname before, the one that she always called me. You are the only teacher from the junior high that has called me this name. Once you have said to me "Lily, I can see you through all that hair. " She has said that exact same line to me before, except using another name. You dance and sing a lot, just as she used to do. There are many other things you have done to remind me of her as well. When you came up me that first time, it wasn't all a big coincidence. I had intentionally made myself appear to be bothered so that you would approach me. I understand that it would be much easier if I had approached you myself, but please understand that I am very timid and talking is a challenge. The sexual harassment was not the reason I wanted to talk to you. I couldn't be sure that you were right without seeing your reaction to a personal situation. The sexual harassment was definitely not pleasurable for me, but it wasn't even half as bad as the pain I experienced last year. I brought this up just to see how you would handle it. You knelt down next to me. You called me that name that she always used to call me. You made eye contact with me and talked very softly. I spent 6 months. Waiting. Watching. Testing. You were basically the definition of perfect. Unfortunately, I don't believe that you understand me, or what I was looking for those three times I waited outside the PE office. I wasn't out there with the intention of bothering you or creating a scene. I was trying to reach out to you. I know that you are a PE teacher and not a therapist. But obviously, you don't want to be involved. I am very sorry that I got you in all of this. I didn't mean to annoy you. Opening up to you seemed like a good idea to me, but now I can perceive that I was wrong to think that. You are a teacher. Not my therapist. Not my friend. Making sure that I am emotionally stable is not part of your job. I feel like a cornered animal. Every time I try to reach out to you it comes back and bites me in the hiny. I don't know what else I can do to help you understand me.

What is wrong with me?

Trauma Support / by LittleLily

March 17th, 2015

...See more Hi :) My name is Lilyrose, but you can call me Lily. I am 13 years old. Nearly a year ago, my best friend Melanie abandoned me. I was devastated. We were Mel and Lil, the two shy girls. We were inseparable. I don't want to say that I love her because the word "love" is not strong enough. We told each other everything, she meant more to me than anyone in the whole world. Her leaving me was completely sudden and unexpected. I was horrified. Losing her was basically my worst nightmare. After the abandonment, I was completely changed. I was always tired and pale. I became even shyer, if that was even possible. My hair was always in my face, to hide my eyes that were red from crying. After I left the school at the end of the year, it felt as if my heart had been left behind with it. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, have a terrible dream, and then wake up sobbing and pleading for Mel to come back to me. I had the same dream every night for two months. Everything scares me; sudden movements, loud sounds, and being touched. I still cry myself to sleep every night and it has been nearly a year. I have constant memories and flashbacks of the incident. I even have flashbacks from my childhood, before I even met Melanie. Everything I see triggers flashbacks and memories of Melanie. I have developed bad trust issues, and I refuse to allow myself to get another best friend, as if this happens again, I won't be able to handle it. I feel as if I cannot trust anyone anymore. Counseling and therapy is not working, as I refuse to talk about it. Whenever I try, I just burst out crying. I feel so distant and alone. Is it possible that the incident with Melanie was traumatizing for me?

Just a little girl with a meaningful letter

Anxiety Support / by LittleLily

February 17th, 2015

...See more Dear Miss Durkin, I feel awfully bad for bothering you, and I hope that you can forgive me for that. I knew that I needed help and that I would need to talk to someone. But when you're as shy as I am, it is hard to come by people that will actually listen. I considered many people, observing each one carefully. I believed that your personality seemed to match the one I had in mind. The sexual harassment thing was not the reason I wanted to talk to you. You didn't ask if anything else was wrong so I didn't tell you. I remember it all vividly. I trusted you. After that day, you started acting very differently around me. You stopped talking to me. You walk past me like I am indiscernible. I felt as if I could cry I was so confused. I trusted you. It is very uncommon for me to experience the feeling of trust. Trust is like a diamond--so rare and precious that it takes time, persistence, and determination to find. But when you do find it, it is the best feeling in the world. With a past of abandonment, this feeling is completely unknown to me. There is something about you that contents me, and makes me feel safe. I appreciate Mr. Johnson trying to help me. He is nice and I like him very much. Though the fact that he is a man intimidates me and makes me feel uncomfortable. You seemed like you wanted to hand me off to him and be done with me. He is very kind, though I feel that he isn't the right person for me. I chose you. I picked you myself. You are the only person that I feel comfortable talking too. I appreciate Mr. Johnson's effort, it truly means more to me than words can explain. But I chose you. All this is over with the boy, but my broken spirit remains fractured. I am sorry I dragged you into this, I should have never trusted in the first place. All that trusting ever brings me is abandonment and regret. I am but a child, and sometimes I do stupid, stupid things. My innocence is leaving me, one piece at a time. I am no longer that cute, sweet little girl that I once was. The feelings of isolation and self doubt are taking over and I am not powerful enough to fight them away. Reliance and certainty are two things that I lack. I am not at all suicidal, so please don't report this or call my mother. Setting me up with someone that I did not choose myself will only make me feel incarcerated and cause stress and anxiety. I appreciate your attempt to help, but this whole incident has led me to perceive that the only person I can trust is myself. ~Lilyrose 👧🐰😇 This note is for my PE teacher, who has gotten me help for my sexual harrassment. The school forced me to see a counselor whom I do not connect with. Miss Durkin is the only person I trust, I am 13. She laughs with me when I'm happy and cries with me when I'm sad. I feel so safe when she is standing next to me. After I opened up to her, she started distancing herself from me. Please give me your opinions on my letter-thank you

Just a little shy girl with a deep story

Anxiety Support / by LittleLily

October 18th, 2016

...See more Hi, I'm Lilyrose and I am thirteen years old. I have been through a lot, including depression, anxiety, sexual harrassment, friend abandonment, and bullying. I am painfully shy and everything frightens me. Loud sounds, sudden movements, unexpected touching, you name it, it scares me. There is only one person that I trust and she is distancing herself from me. Her name is Miss Durkin and she is my PE teacher. This woman is so very special to me. She is like the big sister I have never had. She is the only person that I trust. I wrote this letter for her, please I would love to hear your opinions on it. I don't know if I should give it ther or not. Please tell me if anything I said will offend her or if there is anything that Dear Miss Durkin⚽️🍰🎤💃 I feel awfully bad for bothering you, and I hope that you can forgive me for that. If you haven't noticed, I am a little bit shy. I appreciate your wanting to help me, but I feel very guilty for making you be a part of this.😞 I also would like to thank you for talking to me in the first place. Most people pretend not to notice me. I knew that I needed help and that I would need to talk to someone. But when your as shy as I am, it is hard to come by people that will actually listen.👂 I wanted to talk someone, but I didn't know who. Trusting is very difficult for me. I knew exactly what type of person I wanted. Someone understanding, someone sensitive, someone with a soft voice👩💖There aren't many people like that and I didn't expect to find someone that I could trust. I considered many people, observing each one carefully. I believed that your personality seemed to match the one I had in mind. That day in the computer lab, I knew perfectly well what I was going to do 📝 I chose a seat in the front, by myself. I acted as if I was scared, or nervous. You saw me. You didn't pretend not to notice. I honestly wasn't expecting you to react how you did. I didn't think you would try to talk to me. Well anyway, I told you. The sexual harassment thing was not the reason I wanted to talk to you💬 You didn't ask if anything else was wrong so I didn't tell you. I remember that day vividly. I trusted you. I felt satisfied with myself, as I believed I had chosen the right person. I wasn't all that surprised that they called 📞my mother. After that day, you started acting very differently around me. I felt as if I could cry😪I was scared to death of you. Petrified, I guess you could say.😵 I tried to hide behind random people in the gym, but now that I think about it, I must have looked pretty foolish. I don't know you too well, and I still am pretty scared of you, but It really did hurt when you ignored me💔 I tried to get you to see me, but you pretended not to notice that I was bothered. I wanted to talk to you so badly, so, so badly.😑 I trusted you. I waited outside your office for 20 minutes. The locker lady saw me, she got you. You looked me in the eyes 👀, like you were really worried about me. I don't remember that conversation too well, as I was dizzy and scared😖. It is very uncommon for me to experience the feeling of trust. Trust is like a diamond--so rare and precious that you are always afraid of losing it💎 But when you do find it, it is the best feeling in the world. With a past of abandonment, this feeling is completely unknown to me. There is something about you that contents me, and makes me feel safe. I appreciate Mr. Johnson trying to help me. He is very nice, and I like him, I like him very much. Though the fact that he is a man intimidates me and makes me feel uncomfortable. You seemed like you wanted to hand me off to him and be done with me, which I can understand. 😕 He is a very kind person, though I feel that he isn't the right person for me.🙍 I chose you. I picked you myself. I trusted you. I guess I feel kind of abandoned. You act abnormally around me. When I was sitting on that railing in front of the Little Theater, you walked right past me, like I was invisible.🙊💔😭 I do not know how to explain exactly how I felt at the moment, but the closest word would probably be "devastated."I cried myself to sleep that night, pathetic huh?😰😴 Yeah, well that's just me for ya. You are the only person that I feel comfortable talking too. I appreciate Mr. Johnson's effort💙, it truly means more to me than words can explain. But I chose you. All this is over with the boy, but my broken spirit still remains fractured.😶 I am sorry I dragged you into this, I should have never trusted you in the first place. All that trusting ever brings me is abandonment and regret. I am but a child, and sometimes I do stupid, stupid things 😞 My innocence is leaving me, one piece at a time. I am no longer that cute, sweet little girl that I once was. The feelings of isolation and self doubt are taking over and I am not powerful enough to fight them away.💪❌ Reliance and certainty are two things that I lack. I am not at all suicidal, so please don't report this or call my mother. Forcing me to see a therapist is going to do nothing but get me out of school early. It took me four careful months of scrutiny and observation to choose you 🔎 Setting me up with a person that I did not choose myself will only incarcerate me and cause stress and anxiety. I appreciate your attempt to help, it really does mean a lot to me to know that someone cares, or did care😌 ~Lilyrose🌈👧🐰🎀 you think I should remove.

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