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Salutations and factual greetings to all.
You can call me Lucifer, or Samael. I have a real name but mostly I am just call myself the Devil due to being a sociopath and psychopath, so this is amusing somewhat.
I came here by chance, I was seeking to know:
Does anyone else with depression tries to save those the care about by freeing them of theirselves or protecting them by keeping things quiet, even when they never bother the person who wants to help and listen to them?
I have very few bonds I have been able to keep, mostly because most I converse with end up moving on due to life and busyness which I understand entirely. But the bonds I have, I do not desire to lose. Like the one I have with my mother and a close friend of mine.
I haven't had emotions since my OCD came on fully 8 years ago, before that time I used to be very emotional. People say about empaths, and I am not one to judge, apparently I was on that level however I do not personally believe logically in such matters so lets just say I felt emotions more strongly than average. I had been apparently manically depressed for years but doctors simply said it was teenage acting out and refused to even take much notice. It ironically took them almost 17 years of my life to even listen to my mother when she tried to explain I was unique and to finally diagnose me with Autism and Aspergers.
I used to work myself up emotionally without meaning to because I would over think, worry and get anxious about a fair few things but none more potently than me doing something wrong, or me feeling I had done or I seemed to have upset or might lose a friend. I always experienced my emotions in my gut, especially guilt. Ironically despite me losing the emotions, I still kept the discomfort in my gut which usually is near constant due to anxiety and over thinking.
On the last occasion I thought I was gonna lose my best friend because sometimes my mind would get stuck in one single path and wouldn't allow me to turn or argue with it. Obviously I wasn't going to lose her, she understood entirely and just wanted to help me. My emotions went high.. and then just vanished. I couldn't connect to any of them consciously or otherwise.
Apparently this was a Backwards Spike, instead of explosion or implosion it just went. Anyhow, I couldn't even connect to the love I knew I had and felt for my mother and my best friend. I have been like that ever since excluding brief moments here and there.
I have recently become even closer friends with my Lieutenant, a female friend I talk to every day and have done for nearing a year and half. I smile more, have come out of my calm and indifferent state of being though I am automatically like that when I type and converse mostly. In person I can be calm and or random, a cross between Sherlock Holmes and the factual Joker I have been called by how I seem to state facts about people without even knowing who they factually are ever.
Anyhow, my depression has been there since I was a teenager, I think 13. I am close to my Lieutenant and I know I won't ever lose her unless accidents, life or somethig happens. I value my bond with her and she, like me, tells the truth with blunt honesty which I honestly like.
We both struggle with other conditions but we always help each other out, or at least I try to. She always helps me and I usually don't see that I have helped at all. She always playfully says she's gonna beat me with a shoe for saying stuff that's not true or my OCD, intrusive thoughts and depression try to tell me is true about myself, yet always understands and wants to help.
Even when I, for no other reason than my gut pain and brain says I've done wrong, wanna run and hide, she wants to listen, doesn't want me suppressing my OCD and she cares about me more than I probably will ever understand, and even when I fail to be able to react or respond, she knows more than anything that I in my own way, care about her in a way I can't really show. But I always in the moments where I logically factually see I have caused 'stress' or anything even remotely displeasing, end up saying my friend and everyone should save themselves from me.
Ironically I say this even without being in one of my mentally stuck and retreating moments, and yet, big moment or small, my Lieutenant as always seeks to help. She knows I will never abandon her and she has never once abandoned me. I don't desire to push her away, or lose her, that's something you should never make anyone fear or try not to if you can. Me.. I seem to fail even though she says I don't. Mostly I don't do things on purpose and even though they're accidental or I fix them, I still say logically she's cursed with me as a friend.
My OCD always seems to target those I am close to, first my best friend who unfortunately lost contact years ago, then a friendship here or there, occasionally the intrusive thoughts target my mother who also has done nothing but help me all my life, and now her because, she's is closer to me than anyone has been in years, because she matters to me and has more importance than she knows.
These facts didn't cause the OCD, OCD just happens sometimes and it targeted her because she has value to me. Nor is it blaming anything or anyone by me mentioning such, least of all herself, which is probably an obvious thing I don't have to explain. My apologies, compulsion to say that. I always have my head or intrusive thoughts saying I am blaming her for
But I know that's just how OCD and intrusive thoughts work, targeting what you care about most and trying to twist your thoughts with intrusive ones that you do not factually think and are just random or completely the opposite.
But I apologise for the length of my initial post, I explain alot on automatic functioning. In short I say again Salutations to all and I am just wondering if anyone else is the same really.