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Hi, I've hit 23 last week. Despite having facebook and notifications turned on - nobody except close family have wished me a happy birthday. None of the friends I've spent my childhood or teen years with. Not even my father. Wellp that's the least of my probs.
I don't know what to do in life. I have no friends, no job, don't want a relationship and don't want family. I'd like to travel the world, but I don't have any money and am affraid of hiking, because I have already endured 2 rapes and men are constantly bugging me, despite the fact I don't wear anything revealing (jeans and a shirt without cleavage, converses, a sweater, I only wear foundation and a mascara, no eyeshadow or liner...)
I would like to get a job that would bring me some money, and I would like it as well. Too bad that I have an authority problem and I just can't do something illogical if I'm told to. I was kicked out of my previous work because I refused to kill insects that flew into our shop. I could not live with myself if I would willingly step on a preying mantis or so. Well that and a few other reason - I don't drink, smoke, smoke pot or drink coffee. I was always nice to our customers and got my job done, but the explanation was "You are not a team player and we are a big family with similar personalities and interests and you just don't fit in."
I never fit in anywhere. Nobody wants a "nature freak" whom wasps don't sting, roosters don't attack and stranger's dogs run to with happiness. Nobody wants a person, who refuses to loose themselves in numerous shots of booze and consider it "fun". Nobody wants an asexual.
At job interviews? Women look at me with disgust, while men are offering me a 100% guaranteed position if I blow them or something. Of course not all cases, there are still the "We'll call you" ones, which I consider normal, I'm not butthurt or anything. I refuse to work 12 hour standing shifts without the option to sometimes sit down, because my veins cannot handle it. I consider my health important. That's why mom's boyfriend despises me secretly. He never shows it, but I sometimes hear him talking behing my back about how useless I am, since I'm 23 and do nothing but sit at the computer all day. But I just don't know what to do. I do not know what career choice should I get. If I look something up it's either really rare or impossible, or freelance that does not earn a living, or requires education - and I have no money for expenses that come with it, + I'm affraid to live with other students due to drinking, drug usage, low hygiene and lack of privacy. Sometimes I consider becoming a whore, since I keep getting offers all the time, but then I just sit and cry on my bed because I can't bring myself to do it. These are the only opportunities I have been ever offered and I find it heartbreaking. That I am only needed for this purpose.
Nothing bothers me. I just want a career that does not hurt me in a bad way. But I don't know what to do, where to go. I've considered caretaking that my mother does, but she always bashes the idea. I have always lived for nature, but what's the point, if I have to be cooped up 12 hours with idiots that constantly bully me and expect me to put on a happy face. If I wanted to be an actor, I would not audition for such shallow roles. They didn't even give me lines :D ...
I did photography. I was bashed immediately that what for, I should concentrate on getting a job. I started painting. "What for? Nobody will buy your paintings anyway." I started making jewellry. Same thing. Played computer games with online friends (they are the only ones I have, but they don't know about my private issues, we're just game partners and laugh a lot), but yeah, I am just constantly sitting in front of my pc which is useless. I help grandma every day - I lug large ammounts of firewood, only to get the "you are late 10 minutes" and "haha you have acne again you look disgusting" (like 2 pimples..not even severe acne) or "your hair is really ugly today" instead of a thanks. I know they usually mean it jokingly, but when I told them to cut it out because it's hurtful they got offended and sent me home, told me to never come around anymore, then told my mother that I should come and apologize and help them again. So I got yelled on by my mother and had to go. Yay. So I try to be useful but I'm useless. My house is always clean, but when I'm working on some art project of course there is going to be newspaper on the floor and a canvas on it - which is considered a "messy house" and I'm immediately told on and yelled at. I want to leave. But where would I go.
I never did self harm, it's illogical. I am considering ending this ordeal, quickly and least painfully. Yesterday I actually googled which is the fastest way to die. I don't wanna die. I'm just grasping the last straw. This has been going on for 4 years. People are either telling me that I'm a pussy and I wouldn't do it anyway. Or they don't take me seriously. I would do it. But I don't want to. But I find it inevitable because....I don't know what's my mission. I want a mission...A reason. People who just want to give me support - don't even bother, I want solutions, advices, ideas, not consolation and pretty lies ... don't even bother writing shit like *hugs* ...you are not hugging me. You are not making me feel better, it's just worse. Suicide hotline won't help, they won't give me advice. Psychiatrist won't help, I will not take meds. I'm not ill. I just have problems.
