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Hi, Koi here.
Am new to 7 Cups. Not sure how best to start but here's what flowing from the mind..
My wife and I have been married for over 12 years now. We have young kids.
The early days of marriage was honeymoon like they say.
Things changed when our first kid arrived. Don't get me wrong; I love my children more than my life and anything else in this world.
So does my wife, and we prioritised our kids. This, both of us are guilty of.
It doesn't help that being first time parents, we had a long and steep learning curve. Parents, in-laws, her sister and friends jumped in to give their 2 cents without knowing what they are saying or the situations warranted.
This led to major rifts and conflict between my wife and me. The first call for divorce came from my wife some two years into our marriage when my firstborn was 1 years plus.
Subsequently, there were the 2nd, 3rd threats for divorce.
There are many issues that hurt the marriage. These being
1.Her parents and sister's constant intrusion into our privacy. They call her on video every single night to nose about everything that's happening in my home and family.
2. A friend of my wife who is stuck in an unhappy and abusive marriage. She has been constantly texting my wife to complain about her husband and life. Not withstanding, she has also dropped many untruthful opinions that has hurt my marriage with my wife. I talked to my wife years back to distance herself from this friend. Alas, this conversation always hurl us into arguments.
3. My wife claims that she is asexual. She has never mentioned this while we were dating, and it is only after we have gotten married did I realised that she activity shuns intimacy. To the extend I was even left wondering during the initial few years after we got married, if her sexual preference is women. Sex to her was just a means to procreated. Anything else is excessive and my problem or leverage over me.
4. When I first got to know my wife, it was a combination of communication, companionship and comfort with each other, that had prompted me to explore and deepened the relationship between us. Fast forward to this day, we are husband and wife in name, coparents to our kids, that once in a blue moon sex partner, and more often, stranger in the same house.
5. I did wondered and asked my wife if she had married me then as a form of escape. Her family had been abusive to her, with her sister who suffered from anorexia and bulimia being the greatest prepatrator. To give an idea of what had happened, her sister would force my wife to eat when she sees food in their house. The sister would fly into rage, tear up the leather sofa and smash the glass table in their living room. I kid you not - this is a key reason why I have always been reluctant to allow my children to visit or interact too much with my wife's maiden family. This inevitably added to the tension in the marriage.
The most recent skirmish came on last Saturday when my wife's toxic friend texted her again. My youngest daughter was crying and I was trying to pat her to sleep in the baby carrier. I needed some help as my baby kept crying for her mother and struggled dangerously in the baby carrier. Frustrated, I called out to my wife to tend to our daughter first. She prioritied texting her friend, and that sparked off another cold war lasting till today. My baby is now running a fever and asleep as I typed.
I touch my heart and say in earnest. I know I am not the perfect husband or father. There are better ones out there and in here.
But I do my utmost best where I can in both roles.
Every woman wish for their boyfriend and husband to be successful. I work my butt off to scale the Corporate ladder so that I can earn more and provide my wife and family with a better and comfortable life.
It's not like I spend all the time in office. If there are outstanding work, I bring them back home but continue working on them only after I spend quality time with my children and tucking them to bed.
I have not neglected my wife too. Frequently asking if she is doing fine at work, with the kids etc. Sadly, she is more keen to talk about things with her parents and friends.
Compounding the above and the time spent on ***, Netflix and WhatsApp with her friends, I get the bottom of the barrel in terms of her time and companionship.
Texting and sharing, I feel only an impending gloom. The realisation that my marriage is done and gone. And yet for the sake of my kids' mental health and growing up journey, I will need to endure and continue to live with the stranger my wife has become.
How do we live each day, when there is a part of us that is dead inside?
Anyway, my apologies for the very long post.
Maybe this is what men in their mid forties do when they struggle to figure out what to do with a failing marriage and a mid life crisis.
