Hello, my name is Katia and I'm from Brazil. I have refractory depression or dysthymia. I'm not really sure if technically they are synonymous but reading the description about their symptoms, treatment, how long they can last, I'm able to identify my condition as both.

Long story short: I've been fighting depression my whole life, but during childhood and teen years I didn’t know I had it. I knew there was something not quite normal going on with me. I felt things in life differently from everyone else. Everything was boring, blend. So I lived for several years with a mild type of depression undiagnosed but I managed to keep moving forward . I was a very good student and always thought the reason why I felt weird was external. School, parents, classmates, glasses, braces, whatever.

During my 2nd year in college I had my first major episode of depression: not being able to keep studying or working or having any type of social life. It was hard just to get out of bed, bathe, eat. I took the medication for a while and when I got "better", or as normal as I used to be, I went back to college, work, having a social life, making new friends.

A few years later I had my second crisis. Went back to taking antidepressants and didn't stop after I got "better" again. I even fell in love for the first time and that's also when I felt truly happy for the first time in my life. Love is beautiful. And blind. After that relationship ended I went back to my normal self again. I thought the medication was enough to prevent another crisis but it didn't.

A few years later I had my 3rd crisis, which caused a horrific fight with my family, when I was actually assaulted: physically and psychologically. I was disrespected, humiliated, back stabed, deceived, betrayed by the people I trusted the most in the world, my mother and younger sister.

I still fucking hate them for what they've done and decided to cut all ties. I've barely spoken to them for the last 3 years. Tried 6 or 7 different medications to put me on my feet again. I've been taking 3 types of antidepressants to keep moving forward again since then.

Recently I was very close to having a forth crisis. I decided to quit my job, which I hated, it was my biggest source of anxiety, stress and unhappiness at the time. Working has always been one of my biggest problems and I quit a lot of jobs during my life. I knew if I kept working there, the day that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed was coming sooner or later, and if that happened again I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I was afraid that all the pills in the world wouldn't be enough to help me another time. My last doctor told me about other types of treatments for cases like mine, one of those was electroshock therapy. That's my worst nightmare.

So it's been a few months since I resigned. I have some savings and my goal is to start a small company to earn a living, which is my dream job. I'm still able to take care of myself and my dog, who became my one and only source of happiness.

I know I'm going to fight with depression for the rest of my life. I'm nearly 40 years old, never got married or had children. I've given up on that idea and I'm actually in peace knowing that whatever genetic predisposition to developing mental health issues I have will not be passed on to the next generation. At least not through me. I wouldn’t wish that for my worst enemy. 

Hopefully I will be able to keep moving forward again without hitting the bottom of the depression pool (or ocean) for the 4th time. I'm hanging on, struggling, but I'm keeping myself from drowning this time.

Since psychological therapy never really worked for me, I was hoping to connect with other people who actually know what I'm dealing with because they've felt the same way. 

So if something, anything, of what I've written about myself makes sense to anyone, please contact me. It’s the first time I'm using 7 cups, I'm still learning how to navigate it and I'm not really sure if that’s even possible.

Still, I hope to connect with other people just by telling my story. Thank you for listening.