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Itswhatits
1 1,039 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes28 Current upvotes28 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceAugust 1, 2023
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That must be so confusing for a little girl

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I opened up for the first time and it feels right yet so wrong
Trauma Support / by Itswhatits
Last post
 December 12th
...See more I really hope someone bothers to read this, I deeply need to hear some reassurance or similar experience.  Yesterday, my best friend and I were hanging out and talking. She mentioned that she loves to analyze people's personalities, so she began to analyze my personality. She pointed out traits and behaviours she’s noticed in me but then she seemed hesitant to say something, so i urged her to say it. She said that sometimes it seems like I'm living as if I’m following commands, almost like a robot in a loop following whatever rules I have in my head. And that I'm trying to understand a thing i can't put my hand on. She couldn't be more right, I don't know if my *** was too obvious but no one saw it other than her.   I started talking about my own perspective, I've never opened up about this specific topic before and I felt everything in me fighting against the idea of telling anyone of this. I had to resist the physical urge to stand up and leave the room, then go to the most isolated place ever.  the moment I began talking, my heart started pounding and my vvoice was shaking. I felt so anxious and at all immediately triggered my derealization. I felt like I've broken a wall or crossed a boundary and there was no going back. I was speaking automatically. I shared things I’ve always kept hidden. I told her about how I’ve created a “fake” personality to deal with people because it makes life easier. how I feel like there are different voices or parts of myself inside my head, each one handling specific tasks or emotions. I said I don’t know who “I” am among all these parts. She listened. She really tried to understand and I felt guilty like I was overwhelming her with something too complicated. But she kept asking questions and encouraging me to share. She even told me she would research more about what I’m going through so she could understand everything .  I know what I am isn't considered normal. I said that I always look around at people and see how they interact with each other, How they show emotions and reactions So naturally and always question myself, why do I have to fake it so I can appear normal like them, and that left her speechless, which I understand.  She said that I should face those boundaries or whatever *** in my head, since they keep me chained. I have to fight back because I'm avoiding doing so. And I'm not sure. It doesn't feel like the right thing to do.   I was in a bad mental state, and I had to fight to stay aware and conscious. I eventually laid my head on her lap. She stroked my hair, caressed my back and arm until i fell asleep. Thinking of it now makes me want to cry because I've never felt so loved and cared for. Yet something keeps bugging me, telling me I've done the wrong thing.
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I need some help, tell me what you think about this
Trauma Support / by Itswhatits
Last post
 April 3rd, 2024
...See more Yesterday I went to my friend's house and stayed for hours there, my father texted me asking when am I coming home and I told them we're still eating dinner so he let me stay for like 30 minutes more. He sent my brother to pick me up and didn't tell me that he's coming so I can get my stuff ready before leaving, my father was angry because of some stuff happening with his brothers, and i took too much time to leave my friend's house so he texted me and called my phone many times, threatening me and cursing me and telling me he'll beat me up when I arrive home.  When I arrived home he started yelling and cursing me telling me I wasn't raised well and I will never get to visit my friend again, he actually said everything mean to let his rage out on me (he has IBS) then told me to *** off (my mom was there and didn't say anything...as usual).    I went to my room, closed the door and broke down, I cried too much that my head started hurting because this scene reminded me of the past, when he used to scream at me and slap me because I did a mistake. I cried for more than two hours and hardly slept. The next day (today) we sat to eat, I was silent the whole time and thankfully my father was out with his friends. My mom mentioned that my dad was in a bad mood because of me and I broke down again, it front of my mother and my two brothers. I told her that his bad mood is my fault now? He was angry and took out his anger on me like everytime. Because I'm a damn dead doll, I'm emotionless (as they call me). My mom got defensive and said that it's my mistake I took too much time and he hates when people keep him waiting even though my brother was waiting not him! I told her why would he yell at me and she replied yes he would Because I'm mistaken. She told me I should be thankful he didn't hit me and I told her he did many times before. She raised her eyebrow and asked "when?" I told her in the old house (before 3 years). She said that they were beaten up almost everyday when they were "in our age" and we're spoiled. I had too much to say but couldn't because it's useless. Eventually she felt sorry for me, she kissed my cheeks and tried to make me understand that dad doesn't control his anger (I can't accept that because I'm hurting alot because of him) and I should know how to deal with that because I'm his daughter. I forced myself to stop crying and here I'm crying again while typing this. I need help but I gave up on everything I'm in so much pain I only cry this much when dad does something reminds me of the abuse in the old house.  I can't stop crying i think im overreacting. Please If you have a way to tell them that I desperately need to see a therapist tell me, it's hard to Convince them when they think im too emotional. I'm so lost I feel like a 10 years old kid again.  i hate myself and everything else. My mom is trying to make me feel better. Im awful 
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Identity fragmentation? Many personalities? Need to hear your thoughts about this
Personality Disorders Support / by Itswhatits
Last post
 February 19th, 2024
...See more Hello everyone, it was hard to figure out those things inside my head but i finally managed to understand it enough to describe it   I feel like there are characters in my head and they change over time. I can notice changes in myself when one of them "Takes the lead" as i call it. I know it seems illogical, but this is the only way I can interpret the things that are happening to me. I think that my Facial features Change a little with each personality, And the sensituations in my body change That sometimes im ticklish or responsive to physical touches and other times I am totally numb. I can feel that some of them hate some people and the other don't so that's why I might hate someone and like them at the same time. I feel like they protect me and create a protective layer around me to keep me safe. I used to feel extremely disconnected from the reality and myself that i did wrong things without caring because everything felt foggy and unreal. i get disconnected less now, thankfully. but they're still in my head. I hear them sometimes, I get auditory hallucinations and hear foggy words or conversations. I used to have a good memory but in the last few months (actually more than 6 months) I have been forgetting everything so easily My head is so empty and messy at the same time. Keep in mind that All of them (the people in my head) share the same memories and 'core' as I call it, they share the same real me. But they're still different. Their personalities are different the way my face looks and the way my body feels change With each one of them. sometimes I accidentally Say rude things to my family/ friends/ teachers but the words literally escape my mouth! And I get too many thoughts about situations in my life That I just don't know how to feel about it. Sometimes I suddenly without warning feel a lot of rage towards someone (mostly my father) and have really hard time not to cuss or do something stupid  The first time I felt disconnected was january last year. It was so intense that I felt like im going to pass out. And since that day until today I never felt real 100% If you are wondering yes I have been abused as a child. mentally, physically and vocabulary. And its probably (definitely) the reason for everything wrong in my life. *deep breath* but I'm feeling so okay currently so don't be sorry about it because I'm good 🥳 If anyone know anything about this Or share a similar experience I'd be so glad to hear it.  I searched and found something called identity fragmentation but I don't know much about it. Anyway,, Thanks for reading!! :>
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