Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Itgetsbetter122
1 7,745 M Moving Along 7
PathStep 74 Compassion hearts729 Forum posts33 Forum upvotes37 Current upvotes37 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceOctober 19, 2016
Bio

Izzy
19
She/Her

Recent forum posts
Scared that I'll panic if I live alone
Anxiety Support / by Itgetsbetter122
Last post
 October 13th, 2022
...See more I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel safe living alone. I'm 19 and living in uni dorms right now - but it's annoying to live with people and have to share the bathroom and kitchen with multiple other people who don't clean up after themselves. I have my own room but I'm not actually alone, I know that I'm not the only one around if something bad were to happen. But I think if I live alone, I would just sit on my bed all day, panicked, because every noise I hear I will think is an intruder. It already happens where I am. I have to check under my bed and in my wardrobe sometimes because my brain goes "what if someone is hiding in there?" But in a bigger apartment that's not just the size of a bedroom, I wont be able to see the whole place from where I am, I would have no idea if someone would be in the other room unless I left the room I was in. And I could get cameras but I know myself, if I got cameras I would never put them down, I would never be able to do anything because I'd just be glued to the camera. And I know i'm not just making up worst case situations because I've already experienced the fear when I'm home alone. At home, whenever the others are out I just sit on my bed, afraid of every noise, or go sit in the living room so I can keep my eyes on the door. I hate vacuuming when I'm home alone because I wouldn't be able to hear the sounds of an intruder over the vacuum. I just don't know what to do. I so desperately want to live alone and regain more freedom and responsibility (and not have to share with gross people haha) but I just don't know how I can ever cope with constantly hearing sounds and being freaked out.
Feels like my life consists of grounding
Anxiety Support / by Itgetsbetter122
Last post
 October 29th, 2020
...See more Lately I've been getting this weird new type of anxiety, and I'm experiencing it a like a higher frequwncy to my usual anxiety, and with no irl supports atm, it's getting increasingly hard to just breathe through each moment. I'm not gonna get hugely into it because a, i dont want to trigger anyone reading and b, i dont want to trigger myself into another episode. But just a bit to explain what's going on - I've been getting this terrible anxiety stemming from overthinking on the fun existential stuff. I would explain more but I can feel myself getting hot already and thats my first sign of an episode coming on so you can fill in those blanks. I fost noticed thos was more of an ossue than my existing anxiety when thinking about it caused an episode of heat spreading from my stomach/back, uncontrollable big trembling in my legs, and a complete inability to be dostracted evenfor a second. I was so hot that i stripped off most of my clothes and covers, and once i finally got to sleep, i woke up later shivering because it was actually a really cold night and i had nothing on. It scared me because like, here i am stripped bare on a freezing cold night because my anxiety caused me to get that hot. And I'd never had such potent physical symptoms before. But it's just been getting worse again lately and it's becoming to the point where i cant go a day without thinking of it. It used to be sparse, this terrible fear that came over me, and left, tucked away in my mind till it resurfaced. But the last few weeks, its been at the very surface, waiting for the simplest thought to spiral me back down. And I've been feeling almost, like out of touch with reality. These thoights make me wuestion every inch of reality and who and what and where i am, amd will be. So its been habing effect on like, my sense of self in a physical manner. I feel disconnected, I'm finding myself using grounding techniques so frequently now. The last few days especially have felt like a crash course in self grounding as i strugglw to stay present, or to allay my thoughts enough to sleep. And it helps sometimes. I found that showering especially helps. I can focus on the tile, or she soap under my fingers, and i can change the temperature of the water as i need to. But I've felt so disconnected lately that i feel more shell than human, grounding myself multiple times a day and it feels like all i do is grounding. Its only been the last couple days, when ive been alone with my thoughts, no school to occupy my day. And im working out what makes it worse or better. I found that opening my sindow helps, as the background noise can help anchor me in, same with opening my bedroom door to hear my siblings fighting. Being alone and unstimulated worsens kt. I need to be always on the go, always doing something so its harder to go into my spiral. But sometimes, i do all this and the thoughts srill creep in. So,etimes every grounding technique i know does nothing. Sometimes i think that wow im feeling quite with it today, which then oulls me into my thought. I need to stop my brain. I need to shut off my thoughts. I need to live my life without obsessing over the how and why and when and whats next. I just want to be blissfully ignorant again Forgive any typoes i wrote this at 10pm on my tablet
So I guess I'm doing this? (Diary thing)
Trauma Support / by Itgetsbetter122
Last post
 January 21st
...See more (Blanket TW for nonconsensual sexual stuff) I don't want to talk about this. Because if I write about it, if I speak it into existence, I have to acknowledge that it happened. Because for a long time, I've been hiding behind denial - just shoving it down, "forgetting" it ever happened. But the thing is, that it happened - and hard as I try, I can't forget. I don't know what to say. There's so much I could say - so much I don't want to. I still haven't told anyone. The last time it happened was over 6 years ago and I've never told the story face-to-face. I've typed it so many times it feels like rote - less like something that actually happened to me, and more like a combination of words typed over and over. I could talk about how I still feel invalid, because he was also a child - 2 school grades older. I could talk about how His grandfather is my nan's partner which makes it that much harder to forget. I could talk about all the many ways he still affects me - like dreams so frequent they aren't even nightmares, always containing some reference to SA. I could talk about how I told my story one too many times to the wrong people - and even though nothing has come of it in over a year - I feel constantly on edge, waiting for the day i come home to cops on the door, or my mum gets the call, telling her what happened - because I happened to tell my story on a site with mandatory reporters. Even though I am 9 months from 18, from aging out of confidentiality breaks. I could talk about how I'm scared to tell my story anymore, because what is stopping that from happening again? But I know that I need to talk about it; It's not going away until I deal with it. So, I guess I'm soing this. (TIme to press post and run away so i can't rethink this)
My scars make me sad...
Self-Harm Recovery / by Itgetsbetter122
Last post
 July 9th, 2019
...See more I was self-harming on and off since august of 2016, the last time i did it was july 2018. I'm currently 354 days clean and counting, and I have no intention of going back. For the first time since I was 13, I feel in control. But what I did to myself left scars. They aren't obvious at all, and outside people wouldn't be able to see them unless you were looking very closely at my arm or caught me in only my underwear. I'm not worried about others seeing them, and I'm not ashamed of them. The scars prove that I can go through hell and live to tell the tale, they are a reminder that I can get through. But they are also a crude reminder of what I did. I can't turn them off or make them go away. For better or for worse, they are a part of me. I get so sad sometimes, when i see them, and remember how lost and lonely i felt. Even though I lived it, it still scares me that I was so upset I thought my only option was to take a blade to my skin enough to leave scars. I just get so sad for my past self, a 13 year old child. And it's not just that. When I'm hanging out with friends, the scars are there, when i'm at my lowest point, they are with me, they will be with me when I graduate highschool, and on my wedding day. And maybe I don't want the reminders. Maybe I just want to make these milestones and get to a point where this part of my life is a distant memory. But how distant can the memory be when the proof is etched onto my skin? ANd maybe I'm being dramatic, and I don't want to get rid of my scars, but I I don't think future me will appreciate the reminder of the pain my 13-15 year old self went through...
Search more from @Itgetsbetter122
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
34 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Bubbly Chief Chat Honest Voice Strong Start Reconnect First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Chimer Group Chatter Group Supporter Group Carer Group Healer Traumatic Experiences Supportive Smile Friendly Face 7 Day Streak Evolution Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I Hang 10
Report an issue