Bio
I am strong and resiliant but often struggle because so many things bring back various aspects of my abusive childhood or connect to other pain in my life.
I want to help people, make a difference, be of value - but my life experiance is being unwanted by the world no matter how hard I try or what I do.
I keep trying, keep going, keep getting hurt - somehow pick myself up only to be hurt again.
Child Abuse leaves difficult scars, existing with a developmental disability and neurodiversity isn't easy either - like many I have trauma.
I'm a perpetual screwup because of lifelong coordination problems, ADD, severe time blindness, learning disabilities, trauma - yet most of my abuse was centered on different bad/"normal" good. So many things I just can't change are connected to the abuse and so when I spill, drop, break something it is a trigger. When I make a "careless" mistake it is a trigger. When I screw up an appointment it is a trigger.
I'm not "allowed" to make mistakes yet I make them all the time and get triggered which then feeds into a vicious circle.
Being 2E/Twice-Exceptional isn't easy.
Even being gifted led to trauma when I understood things I shouldn't have as a child and being both gifted and disabled I was labeled with the R word and many other tough labels.
Its like I can understand and essily relate to bits and pieces of other people's journey - but its hard to even explain mine or be believed.
Almost taking my own life because of pervasive gas-lighting that had me believing I had no hope of ever getting anywhere in life and would probably turn into a monster - and then having to figure out how to put myself back together by myself because my entire childhood is filled with the weaponization of all things mental health - it isn't easy - and I did that over 20 years ago but even reading entire libraries can only get you so far.
I am very resiliant but life still hurts all the time, I know a thousand tricks for coping - and I still hate being unwanted and thrown away. I'm fine as long as my only expectation in life is to always and forever exist alone and on the margins of society.