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Hello,
not sure if depression is the right place because there seem to be many issues. What I need right now is practical help/advice, like steps I can do, and how to do them.
Let me first say that I'm pretty ashamed about my situation as it is right now, and I have absolutely nowhere to turn to for support.
My problem is that I have crippling self-esteem issues that make it hard to do just anything. Partially because I am downright scared of everything I gotta do, partially because of weird beliefs I can not seem to get rid of. Even how the whole world works scares me. Like people taking it so granted they have jobs and money and all.
I finished my studies last year and since then have been unemployed. I kept telling my dad who supports me financially that nobody replied to my applications but actually I did not apply for a job yet because I don't think anyone will hire me anyway. Sure, I could get some random side job, but I don't think anyone would hire me in the field I have studied and give me money for what I do.
Then I see all of those successful young people who found businesses and sell them and make money and blogs and travel and I wonder why it works for them but I can't even imagine it. In self-help books about entrepreneurs for example it seems like the world has certain rules and everybody can apply them, but how?? Why can't I? I see them sit in the cafe with their fancy MacBooks, being busy and working on stuff. I don't even understand most of the job offers I find, but they have to do with Google Analytics, AdWords, optimizing search results - is this what I have to be able to do if I want to be successful? Is it bad that I also think it's bullshit because I hate when I google something and find a website that has nothing to do with what I'm looking for or only has generic ghostwriter content because someone pushed it up in the search results?
It feels like there is this well and everybody can drink from it only I can't.
Additionally I am in this place where I absolutely do not want to be. I live in a small city apartment, it's loud, car fumes, people everywhere. I feel constantly stressed, pressured, like a loser, and have no idea where to start to get out of here. I need money so badly but don't dare to apply for anything.
I lie awake at night, wondering where I could go so wrong. I wanted to work with animals, I never wanted to live in this city, I never wanted to end up here like this. I want to live in a quiet place that feels like a real home with real people where I feel appreciated and loved. Here the only "friends" I have are a few fellow students who are as lost and hopeless as I am, and together we dwell, but recently I cut myself loose from this because I got so tired of it. It never gets me anywhere, it's not even fun.
My dad does support me financially, but not emotionally. He lives a few hundred km away and I hardly talk to him. He can't give advice or even understand me, he usually just comes up with some calendar wisdom whenever I try to squeeze anything helpful out of him. Gave up on this. He never was emotionally supportive, he was always distant, at least he now supports my inability to live. Thanks, dad!
My mom is something like dead. So there is not really anyone I could turn to for help, but that's not new. They already abandoned me when I was a child, I've always been alone. Now what pains me is that I am unable to dig myself out of my situation because I lack the strength and courage to do things. I don't trust people, I hardly go out, I never engage with strangers much. I used to think I hate people and their bollocks, but actually I just feel terribly insecure dealing with them. Sometimes I wonder why I am so stuck up in general and never dare to do anything. I mean, if nothing really matters and my whole life is a pile of shit, I can as well just sell everything, take my backpack and go somewhere else. Or just kill myself. Or go at least sky diving. But I never do anything because I'm too scared and cautious to ruin my "future". I never do spontaneous things, even going for grocery shopping is a challenge because I constantly feel judged by everybody.
It's like I can never feel at home, right now I don't even have a home, never relax, and to ever even have hope of ever being in a place where I can relax, I have to do things that require inhuman strength, I simply have no idea how to do it. And it angers me so much because I know it's theoretically pretty easy and possible, and that I'm not actually incapable of it.
I don't think posting this thread will actually help me either but hey, if you have nothing to lose it's always winning, right?
