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HatsEatYou
12,193 M Pacing Forward 7
PathStep 61 Compassion hearts615 Forum posts212 Forum upvotes207 Current upvotes207 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceNovember 6, 2014
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Dreams of the dead
Grief & Loss / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 October 18th, 2023
...See more My sister died 3 years ago. Since her death I have only dreamed about her once. I have extremely vivid dreams, I often wake feeling like I have lived years in the dreams. Her absences from them is not something I really noticed until a few nights ago. I had a truly horrific dream about her in which she was alive but she ended her life in my boyfriends bathroom. I had to deal with her body and tell my family about her dying again. In the dream we all knew she had died before and were so happy she was back with us. So it was such a blow for her to die again. In the dream I could not stop crying, I was literally curled up on the floor and could not stand up i was sobbing so hard. All my grief came back fresh as the day she really died. I woke up crying too and I haven't been able to get the images of my dream out my head since. Its been days and I feel like the dream hollowed me out somehow. I didn’t know that dreaming of a dead loved one being alive could hurt so much, it was so nice to see her again even if it was just a dream, but to have her taken away again in the dream. It was heart breaking. Why would my own mind do this to me? I have hated that I dream vividly for a long time but this really takes the cake on worst thing to dream about. The other dream i had about my sister was just after her death, it was about her ghosts who was haunting me and my family trying to convince us she was alive. It was more horror movie vibes and didn't bother me as much since it was less real somehow. But the one the other night was so real i felt emotions in the dream and could think and hope and was so angry and upset. In someways my emotions in the dream where more vivid than in reality. Basically this dream has messed me up. I talked to my boyfriend about this dream but he doesn't seem to understand how vivid and real it felt. How much it is effecting my mood now im awake. I'm kinda scared to sleep incase i dream like that again. Does anyone else dream about a loved one who has past being alive? Is it a comfort or do you hate it too?
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Hidden Disability at Work.
Work & Career / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 September 5th, 2023
...See more I'm curious what other people decide about if and when to disclose a hidden disability. I have recently been though the ordeal of job hunting and I have autism and dyslexia. I struggled with when the right time to disclose my disabilities was. For the first few months I avoided it worried that it might be disadvantageous to me. But as the time went on I thought that it's a huge part of me, it will effect my ability to work in some ways but also that employers having the knowledge might demonstrate my potential. For instance I have a degree in English despite having dyslexia. I feel this demonstrated some amount of tenacity and that even in a field directly impacted by my disabilities I was successful. So I started including it in my CV. No one I was contacted by commented on it at all until I got the job I am now working at. Where I was explicitly told that they were most interested in interviewing me because of my disabilities. It's socked me honestly. I never expected my disabilities to be an advantage in getting work. I'm somewhat conflicted though. It is good I'm employed and my employer is very good about trying to support me in work. But I do feel somewhat infantalised. I don't think I would be treated the same way if I hadn't disclosed my disabilities. I'm not planing to look for work for a long time and will focus on trying to educate my boss so he understands he doesn't have to baby me at work. But I'm now super interested in others experience. Am I alone in being hired because I have a disability? Am I alone in being treated like I need my hand held for everything? I doubt it but I would be interested to here others stories if you would be willing to share.
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No tomorrow
Poetry / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 August 21st, 2023
...See more Preface: I write to grieve. This poem is about my sisters last day. I can't share this one with my family as it would make them sad. So I hope people here might find something of value in it instead. No Tomorrow You promised me tomorrow. Your cold fingers pressed to glass as you poked them through slats that barley let you view the smiling people and the dog that stood outside. You promised me tomorrow. Asking for brownies and fajita to be delivered through the hands of nurses and security, as they checked for hidden sharps that you could use, to realise your mind from the burden of your body. You promised me tomorrow. When I asked if I should come and visit, to add my smile to the blurry figures visible through your safety seald bedroom window, you said, "Come tomorrow." But tomorrow never came for you. You took my tomorrow and left me with an empty promise, and a brownie box full of crumbs.
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Is it Depression?
Depression Support / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 June 21st, 2023
...See more Hi everyone I am confused. I have had episodes of depression from a young age so i feel like i can recognise them quite well. These episodes have always come with feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and general apathy to the world. But I'm currently experiencing what I concider clear signs of depression e.i. tiredness, lack motivation, being unable to properly care for my basic human needs. But I have not been feeling hopeless or particularly apathetic. I'm in a massive moment of change in my life which I belive is what has brought this on but I'm not sure anymore if it is depression or something else since I'm not experiencing any obvious mental destress. I'm anxious about the uncertainty that has been thrown into my life by the huge change I am having to adapt to but I think that level of anxiety is normal? So here I am looking out at the beautiful weather thinking maybe I should do something but feeling stuck in bed usable to escape except into my dreams and wondering if this is depression after all. It seems like it should be but I'm not in pain. So how can it be? Is this what depression is like sometimes? Or is it something else that I'm experiencing now.
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Food Anxiety
Anxiety Support / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 August 19th, 2022
...See more I have discovered a new area my anxiety effects. That is, I can't take food from people when they are not actively giving permission for me to. You see I have a bf who will frequently leave me at his place to go do whatever. If I get hungry when I'm there I can't eat the food he already has in because I'm too anxious that it is for a purpose or that it's his flat mates food. So I just starve. I don't know why I'm so hung up on food in this way. Just the other day i felt like I was stealing when I took a bit of cheese when i was at my bfs even though I knew for sure it was my bfs and he would have been fine with it. I didn't eat anything else that whole day but that cheese. I didn't realises it is such a massive problem for me until recently. My bf is out more and also eating a totally different diet to me so he no longer has food in that i consider ours. So I can no longer feel safe eating that either. I just starve at his again and again. It's stupid. I sneak breakfast bars from my own house to his so I have something to eat. I don't know how I have been lying to myself so long that it is normal behaviour. I am thinking it's time I talk to my bf and tell him I've got this weird food anxiety when he's not there to give me permission to eat his food. If anyone else has experienced this and has advice or even just relatable story so I know I'm not alone in this specific anxiety I'd be super grateful. Feeling like a complete idiot right now. Just to clarify it's not just at my bfs house, I also can't eat at my sisters, or parents. My bf is just the most obvious example.
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Is this anxiety?
Anxiety Support / by HatsEatYou
Last post
 May 7th, 2021
...See more I'm currently sat in my car eating a shop bought sandwich(something I never do) because my boyfriend who I'm visiting later tonight told me his roommate is streaming in the living room and I'll have to walk through the stream to get to my bf room. I left early for his so i wouldn't be late but now I've told him I've not left and am delaying my journey for an hour and a half so I can avoid a short walk through a camera. I was planning to eat when I got to his so I got a sandwich. And now im going to sit in my car for an hour on the side of the road... The hell is wrong with me. I can't even explain that this is what I'm doing to my bf because he doesn't see anything wrong with walking through a camera since he's a streamer as well. I can't explain my fear. I don't even understand it.
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