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Holidays are a big stress factor for many people, whether they have a trauma history or not. But for those of you who struggle with PTSD/C-PTSD and/or dissociative disorders, your struggles during holiday periods magnify as it can often be the worst time of year for you. Whilst there may be moments of calm and positive moments during holiday seasons, you will most likely face unique struggles that only Trauma Survivors can fully appreciate. Xmas is often a busy, hyped-up festivity, with a lot of bustles when you find yourself having to be out and about. It can be loud, busy and overstimulating, and when you have a post-traumatic condition, it can feel like an absolute nightmare. But it's often the hidden things, unseen things that Survivors struggle with, which on the surface may be hidden from external folk. Many of you will have to face family and relatives, that were the source of your traumatic experiences. Others of you will have to gather around unsupportive or toxic family/friends who don't value your emotional or personal wellbeing. For many survivors, holiday periods were also times when trauma and violence escalated and so they become now in the present day for those still working on overcoming the impact of their experiences, a huge trigger! Holidays, and particularly Christmas are also an unforgiving battleground to many of you who struggle with food, disordered eating, social phobia and/or addictions. To add insult to injury, a big number of those who have gone through trauma, also suffer from physical conditions which result in them suffering chronic pain and fatigue. Chronic pain and physical illness and injury are very common to trauma survivors. As a result, Trauma Survivors are not only going to struggle emotionally but also too physically which can make engaging with others even more difficult. The list goes on and on - and, we know just how hard many of you will be fighting just to stay afloat.
For all those who use our community, many of you have different holiday plans, different trauma histories that will involve very different triggers, and varying levels of safety or stages in recovery and so when it comes to trying to manage all this, there can be no one-size-fits-all guide to getting through.
But there are some universal strategies, that remain true for almost everyone. Here are some of our suggestions to help get you through the holiday season safely, with your sanity intact, and knowing someone cares and that you are not alone. use what would be most useful to you and if any of you have any other ideas and suggestions you would like to share with others, please feel free to comment below
Do what you can to Stay Grounded
Remaining grounded is your first and strongest line of defence to any of the things you'll face during the holidays. If you aren't grounded, none of your coping skills will be as effective. Keep textured items in your pockets, bags, and/or car. Carry a notecard on you or in your phone that can remind you of the date, that you're safe and an adult now, as well as any other orienting items or anchors that are important to you. Keep your feet on the floor whenever you can. Try to refrain from staring off or zoning out when things get too dull (or too heated). Keep your phone on you to play music or engage in interactive apps whenever you feel yourself drifting. Look around the room - take note of all the pretty things that catch your eye as you look about. Talk or engage with someone if you can and reach out for support if you are able. Step out and wash your hands or face in cool water. Go outside for a bit to reinvigorate yourself with fresh air or cold temperatures. Anything you can to stay present in the here and now!
Remember: You have a voice.
This is your life, you are now in control of what feels okay for you, You matter. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself and to say no, change your mind, make choices that honour and respect yourself. If you don't want to visit with someone or know seeing them will trigger or stress you to a point where you will feel overwhelmed you DO NOT HAVE TO GO. Additionally, we accept that for some of you saying No could place you in further danger if you are with unsafe people. So do not do anything that compromises your safety, sometimes we all need to do things to keep ourselves as safe as possible, even when we do not wish to. But if your physical safety is not compromised, and where saying No may feel scary or leave you feeling guilt, ask yourself if those temporary feelings are more important than the endless, unpredictable amounts of distress spending time with those people would cause you. Use your voice. Set boundaries. You are an adult and are allowed to say no now and have it be respected. And those who don't respect you, perhaps are not good people to have in your life.
Plan ahead.
One of the best strategies to cope with various situations is to plan, to pre-empt all the kinds of situations you could face, and make mental and physical notes of how you can manage this. List what kinds of things you're going to do before situations happen, to make sure you go into any stressful event confidently and steadily. List down what you can do to help yourself during different kinds of situations that worry you, to ensure you can remain as grounded as possible and calm. Then, be incredibly specific about what you're going to do after to decompress and unwind, to show some self-care towards yourselves
Don't forget the basics.
At all times take care of yourself! It sounds painfully simple, but it's so easy to forget. Take medication you need, ensure you put fuel into your body, stay hydrated, avoid substances if you tend to misuse these. Force yourself to rest your body and mind even if you cannot sleep. Don't neglect your physical health. These things are as much your foundation as being grounded is. Forgetting any of these basic needs can make you more vulnerable to symptoms, which can lead to a full unravelling later.
Internal communication.
For those of you who have DID/DDNOS or internal parts keep your internal communication going. Acknowledge with one another the difficult, painful, scary, or triggering things that you're going to be facing. Validate everyone's feelings and fears, allow one another a voice. Show respect to one another. Plan together and plan how you'll work together to get through different situations and events. Also discuss what you might do to honour one another, perhaps even share gifts if that feels right. (..even if those gifts to one another are as simple as letting a part watch a movie at home later, or colour a picture. It doesn't have to be a material present) Acknowledging and validating what's so painful about these holidays will make you less likely to be blindsided by traumatic material mid-holiday celebration if someone inside encounters a trigger you never saw coming.
Incentivise.
It's no secret that many survivors struggle with self-harming or other self-destructive behaviours or addictions and these can often escalate during holiday periods. Some Survivors struggle with their devastating depression, OCD, or similarly incapacitating conditions. Get yourself a gift or other incentive that you aren't allowed to have until January 2nd (or after each holiday). If you got through the whole holiday season self-harm free or were able to accomplish things you were too depressed or too afraid to do, it's waiting for you to open when you've met your goal!
Let yourself grieve.
It seems counterintuitive to lead yourself into painful emotions, but it makes them far less likely to bubble up just as you're getting comfortable or having a good time if you learn how to let them out safely. It is okay to have feelings, and it's okay to express these. It is okay too to be sad and to grieve for what never was and what you wish could have been. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself grieve lost holidays or entire childhoods of happy memories. Allow yourself to be upset about what your traumatic experiences have robbed you of or made more difficult. Take a moment to be angry about neglectful and/or dismissive family and friends who won't support you the way you deserve to be supported. Once you've given yourself a moment to feel these things, your mind will feel freer to enjoy the holidays and less determined to remind you that it was hurt by all that's associated with them.
Take time for yourself.
You don't have to be with others 24/7 during the holiday periods. Take breaks. Leave the room. Take a walk outside, take the dog for a walk, go for a walk by the beach. Sit in peace in a bedroom or unoccupied room for a moment. Those 15-minute breathers will do you and your nervous system wonders before returning to the festivities.
Support system.
If you have friends or family that support you healthily, stay in contact with them, reach out to them when you need a bit of extra support and encouragement or just chill out and chat about anything you wish. Make it a point to fill them in on what's going on and what's worrying you. Plan to connect with them even if for just 5 or 10 minutes before/after holiday gatherings. Many therapists will not be available until after holiday periods are done and dusted, so touching base with friends and family that have your back can help you feel less stranded or as if you've been abandoned in your weakest moments.
Breathe.
Again, it sounds so simple, but you'll be amazed how many times you're completely overwhelmed and are holding your breath. Take several deep cleansing breaths every time you feel your stress levels rising. Practise breathing and relaxation exercises, before, during and after the holidays are over.
Limit alcohol/substances.
The holidays don't make this super easy for those who like to drink a glass or two, but any level of intoxication can make traumatic material much more difficult to cope with and triggers are far more likely to occur. When this happens you are less able to cope with managing triggers if you have become intoxicated and it adds to a sense of not being in control, something many of you experienced at the time of trauma. Try to be extra responsible during tough times. Going for another drink makes you far more vulnerable for everything to come cascading out of you, especially if you were already tense enough to 'need' that drink.
Remember: You do not have to stay
You need matter, you matter! You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to or to remain anywhere for longer than you desire. You do not have to feel guilty. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you're leaving, where you're going, or why you want to go so soon. You are allowed to leave early. You are being proactive in taking care of yourself. If you don't think you can count on your voice to be strong enough in the moment, make plans to see someone immediately after a gathering and make it known ahead of time that you can't stay long. Even if you have to get clever about it, you are still allowed to go when you've had enough.
Physical safety.
If you MUST visit (or already live) with unsafe people, and things escalate where you fear for your safety but you don't feel you can leave the room, step outside, or leave entirely…. If at any moment you feel things are going to erupt into violence, apps like SafeTrek exist that will bring the police to your location without you ever making or answering a call. (This app is valuable for many other scenarios, for trauma survivors especially, and is highly recommended. It is available for iOS and Android.) You can also dial your local emergency services for assistance. If you don't feel either of those are safe options, or that a visit from police would make things less safe for you later, take some time now to brainstorm what WOULD feel safe to you. Can you make a plan with a friend that would have them call you if you text a certain word? To interrupt the chaos? To force them to hush because someone on the phone might hear them, or because you had to get up and go to another room? Do you have an ally in the family/friend group who could help you? What feels right to you? If your answer is Just to take it (the abuse), please reconsider. You are important. You are valuable. You are worthy of basic needs: safety.
Conquering loneliness.
Many of these tips revolve around gatherings with others. But, for some of you, much of the holiday season is spent alone (either by choice or circumstance). Loneliness can often make depression worse, and deepen low self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes planning your tradition planning how you wish to spend the holiday that makes you feel better, can help. Make the day a day that you treat yourself like you never do. Watch movies, take a bath, paint your nails, turn your music up, read a book, make yourself an elaborate meal, celebrate yourself and how far you've come, spend all day in your PJ's, colouring adult colouring books, making cookies etc. Let's hope your plan has TONS of self-care and self-treating in it. You deserve it!
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