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Hihi! Soooo, I made my last post to the wrong thread and had it deleted š
Technical difficulties ammi right? Ammi right? I didn't really like everything I typed last time, I wish I made it a bit more subtle but I feel like I now have my second chance to try again. It really is funny how things overlap. Again, I'm going to give a trigger warning just in case that this post is kind of me floating around in my own headspace, so if it's too much to read. Don't worry! There's plenty of other posts in the 7cups sea š£š
and so you don't have to worry about that. So without further ado, to quote Peter B. Parker, āLetās do this one more timeā (Into the Spiderverse).
So as I begin to drain my pool of thoughts, I think the main reason I'm making this post is because something that has been bothering me lately is a feeling of isolation I have even among those who are supposed to know me *insert gasp* *insert gasp again.* Which is crazy and maybe a tad bit over dramatic of a thought to have, but bare with me. From time to time, I feel like people are always assuming things about me, not necessarily in a targeted or malicious way, but I feel people constantly assuming things like: I'm too innocent and pure or lacking in personal troubles to hear certain conversations. Or I have people assuming what kind of things I'm interested in. It's something that has drawn my intention. Especially, since the worst of these assumptions I feel come from family and friends. And maybe it's just because of how deeply I regard these opinions that it gets me down so much, I don't know.Ā
From time to time though I get a lot of family and friends telling me how easy I've had it. And while I've had it plenty easier than most, Iāve still had plenty that's left an impact on me. Growing up, my parents were hardly home. Not because they were negligent, but because I grew up poor and when we finally had money they had to keep working to maintain it. Though, I never really questioned it, because I often was able to reap many benefits from it with stuff like extra big Christmases. I think looking back though I wish I could've seen them back a bit more. There were many school events I missed because I always had a babysitter. I wish I had more time to attend those, but it is what it is. My parents did their best, Iām positive. Another thing is, growing up I think I also had troubles expressing myself, my parents were pretty new to parenting with me. And I think they often didnāt know how to handle things the best way, because they had come from families with many troubles too. I wonāt get into all the details about my situation, but I have had my own troubles. And while I've definitely had it easier than most, it upsets me when I feel people talking so ignorantly about how well Iāve had it and how I donāt understand certain things in the world. It is true, I donāt know everything, but I feel like most people donāt even check to see how true what theyāre saying really is. They donāt ask what experiences Iāve had or what goes on in my mind, they just assume.
Another group of assumptions that bother me is people thinking I'm "innocent" or āpure,ā and trying to spare me from the more explicit conversations and such. First of all, I was raised under the notion that you canāt be sheltered from everything. Secondly, I already usually know everything these people are talking about when this happens š« š« š« š« To be honestā¦ it doesn't bother me, I could care less. It might throw me off a bit, but as long as everyone else is ok, so am I. From my point of view, I think the conversations are entertaining and besides awkwardness can be fun. The key is that everyone is having fun. But still, these people will switch topics, without even asking me what I want. I donāt need that kind of protection. I think one of the biggest examples of this from my brain comes from a few years ago when an older cousin changed a song we were listening to in the car, because it had too much "swearing" and "innuendos." They just assumed it was too much for me. Like, I've heard all the swear words there are!!!! You should hear half the things that come out of my mā¦. Hmm actually let's skip that š
The worst part is at the time I was in my teens!!!! I am the same age as that cousin's younger brother and I don't see him getting the same treatment. The younger brother tried to defend me, because he said I really was a lot like them. The older brother though had already had his mind set š„² Like really, you don't think I know these things???? I do!!!! Rarely have I heard an innuendo I don't know šššš Listen, I had my fair share of sussy jokes back in the day. But that's besides the point š
Let's continue.
This final group of things Iām going to talk about are a little less connected to each other, but I feel somehow they blend together. If that makes sense? So letās seeā¦. In case you couldnāt tell I am on the sillier side of the silly-idus scale. I like to make jokes often, I think they lighten the mood when I feel down on myself and I hope they do for others too. I think it also feels more welcoming that way. My trouble is that I feel people assume no matter how hard I try that I am just jokes. People will spare me more serious conversations, because I am on the sillier side of the silly-idus scale. And thatās not what I want, I tell jokes because I want to be closer to people but it seems like it pushes me away. Similarly, Iāve had not invite me to things like dances, because they assumed it wasnāt my thing š„² Like I donāt know, it sounds kind of nice to me, I wouldnāt mind being asked. And thereās other activities like these too where I wasnāt invited. If it was any other person, Iād assume they just didnāt care. But these are friends who normally have my back, so itās very saddening to see them pick and choose for me what they think Iād be into or not. Especially because I think itād be really fun to do things like go to a dance and meet a pretty girl. I donāt know. I think overall, my problem really stems from I feel so excluded by all these different assumptions, I feel so lonely around everyone I know š« š« š« š« I feel like they donāt really capture what I want and so sometimes it feels like thereās no one I can go to, I guess.
Anyways anyways, that was me draining my pool of thoughts. If you enjoyed this post then make sure to like, comment, and subscribe for more content like this! Follow me in the forums. Follow my alt (jokes jokes, mods donāt ban me). Thanks for coming to my ted talk. We can have another story time like this again. In the meantime take care, maybe Iāll see you in replies, I have no idea. That would be cray cray šššš
