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Flower1486
2 2,478 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts104 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupTeen Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceMarch 23, 2024
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Am I good enough?
Friendship Support / by Flower1486
Last post
 December 15th
...See more Hi, I can't help but venting here again. This would more looks like a diary. Wish I can find a listener but I can't connect to one. Today I cannot fall asleep again because I am too angry. My head feels dizzy. I was thinking a lot , it takes a lot of energy to think about them. I just wish someone can be my side. I have a deskmate, moana that might have mental illness. She have a very toxic relationship with our another deskmate, it is hurtful to see them. Before her condition becomes worse (I think she is still just like any normal person at that time, I was depressed once and I think I can tell the difference between normal person and depressed person), I talk to her and tell her to not connect with that toxic person, which now our deskmate. But mona just ignored me. Mona also never cares about me but that probably because she is struggling with herself. I understand it. What really hurtful is she called me fake once, she was kind of joking and she don't understand how much impact that word could give. I understand this also. But I am really sick of her. Every time I tried to address some problem, she just make her head down and just nodding and never want to have proper conversation with me. I understand it. She was nervous. But what trouble me is, I feel no one is gonna be on my side. Because mona is depressed so I should forgive her forever. The fact is, she owe me so very much. I just want justice. She pull me into this unpleasant condition and only say sorry once, and that is after I text her say that I am tired. (Seriously, basically no one will reply with any other things other than sorry) I can't express why I am sick of her so much and hate her so much. Pretty much she never intended to harm me, I think. Maybe I just tired of have to be nice to someone that is one of the cause that makes me feel so painful but she never need to compensate me. I just want justice. I can't cut off relationship with my deskmate. And it is impossible for me to change my place. This is so frustrating.
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How to see the thread I post
Friendship Support / by Flower1486
Last post
 December 12th
...See more I am confused
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I can no longer care my deskmates
Friendship Support / by Flower1486
Last post
 December 11th
...See more I really cannot handle my friends, or I would rather say my deskmates. I hate them so much. One of them is fully unable to take care of herself or anyone, a big exam is coming in next month but she don't believe she can do it so she just give up to preparing the exam. I know she might face with mental illness lately, but she just *** me off very much. Before she struggle with her mental illness, a person called may that cause me very uncomfortable constantly talking to us. (which that person now has become one of my deskmates) And I ask that mental illness deskmate, which is mona if she can cut off connection with if she is feeling uncomfortable also. To me, it was very obvious that both of them doesn't get along. May just venting about herself all day, and mona rarely give reply. Mona always read book to avoid may but may just ignore the face that mona wants to read and talk to her anyway when she is staring to book.(And similar things still happen now, may is getting more and more disrespectful to mona) but mona just ignored me,iterally. She talk to another person in the middle of our conversation. Now, this situation is very uncomfortable. I should have scold may a few weeks ago. (May start to bother mona starting from few weeks ago)Even though I don't want to have any connection with that two person, I should not just let may bother mona, plus mona is having mental illness. I also have no respect for these two person, but I already try to be kind to them, I never say a single harsh word to them and try to help them if them need helps. But they *** me off so very much, I couldn't fall asleep right now. I don't know how to handle this anger, and seeing mona being harassed by may, and their toxic relationship is overwhelming me. I should have help mona, instead of witnessing all of this. But I also too hate her. I have did something like, I said may, mona don't like this so let's do not so this. But it doesn't give a single effect. I already decided to be more strict to may so that she try to respect mona. I don't know if I should state very clear to may that mona is really struggling and she probably is one of her main cause to feel like this. But we are graduating in a 9 days later. These 9 days will still be very tough to me. I don't know if I should do something. After all, i know all of this nonsense will have nothing to do with me after I graduated. I have lost my father two years ago, my family is sort of having problems right now and I am facing a life deciding exam one month later. I often think that mona has literally no right to feel distress as she still has a normal family and I will support her if she wants to take any action. And I never stress her! It just that she needs to take some action to end her toxic relationship. But after I ask very clearly that she wants to cut connection with may or not, even just doing it for me. She just don't want to do anything. Even ignored me. And use her mental illness excuse to not care about anything. But I also know everyone has Thier own trouble. I shouldn't blaming someone for having mental illness. These two thought just constantly fight in my mind.
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