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TW - domestic violence
I am a two time domestic violence survivor raising my two boys with a loving and supportive partner (usually). The stress of a recent move to a new house has all my symptoms coming back in full force. I feel so dejected and hopeless. I also have been seeing more and more verbally aggressive (mean comments) and disrespectful behavior from my partner. I know it's related to the changes in my behavior, but honestly I don't think my behavior is that bad. I am terrified that his behavior will get worse. More and more he seems unable to empathize (or take seriously maybe? Or remember?) how serious the triggers are for me. A red flag is that he is also taking it personally. My triggers are causing him to become angry and hurt, saying things like, "I am not an abuser" or "I am not 'J or K'... you need to stop treating me like I am." Ironically, he has also yelled these things followed by door slamming, or yelling at me in front of the kids or with an open door where neighbors can hear. He has also been following me into rooms I have locked and expressly told him I need to be alone. He has said "NO" to this many times. What is going on. What do I do. I am very upset. This is a good man and great father and partner of four years, and these things are becoming more frequent. He is starting to look openly resentful of me at times, but I don't think he can tell the difference between me and my triggers. He has a history of intense verbal arguments with his ex, but I will not participate in "fights" like this. When I do get roped in, I feel sick (literally sick) for days afterwards sometimes. I'm pretty sure he resents this, too. Only when I end up breaking down crying does he show empathy (or maybe realize how bad it really is). This pattern is killing me. I have begged him to get individual therapy also for his increasingly intense reactions. I know they are linked to his past experiences and trauma dealing with his (definitely abusive and overbearing and loud) ex, and his mother, and his insecurities. He doesn't seem interested. He is focused on the problems emerging in the relationship. I think he believes that problem is me. He also is much kinder to me when I fall into depression. That worries me tremendously, causing more panic, withdrawal, and depression. One therapist, one time, told me she thought I was dysregulated (true at the time of the session, where I had not felt seen or heard on a specific topic and was very angry at the misrepresentation of facts). She observed that I was "elevated" (also true, but I am not the one screaming and slamming doors). Now he is using buzzwords to say that I am "elevated" or "dysregulated" when it is he that is. I do not feel that he can tell or is willing/able to tell the difference between garden variety gentle criticism or simple frustration and when I actually am scared or elevated. It has to do with the behavior he engages in. I want him to be able to understand that. Of course, that is another criticism. I feel like this is really bad. Yes, we are going to therapy again soon.
Am I doomed to repeat this pattern? Am I causing him to display this stuff? I am no angel, but I do not say or do the things he does. It is so sad. He is focused on my tendency to interrupt him (usually to correct facts, which are important) and now becomes FURIOUS when I do it. This was another thing the first therapist pointed out. He doesn't seem to be aware that he interrupts me constantly. Recently, he actually ORDERED me to do something. He wanted me to get in the car "immediately" to talk. This was after I had left from being yelled at unkindly, was followed into a room, he refused to leave, and threatened to end the relationship. In front of our kids. I told him calmly that I would not be able to do that. He repeated, but with "get in the car, NOW." I told him calmly never to speak to me again that way again. Im in full panic attack by now, holding back tears, trying to remain calm, which probably looks like indifference (it's extreme self protection, I fawn or freeze as it was usually the best tactic in the past).
I feel disrespected, because I am. Actions matter. I am not a doormat type personality, but I am a people pleaser. I've noticed people aren't very pleased when I am not 100% accommodating or friendly. Well, sometimes I am not "pleased." It seems less and less that anyone is going out of their way to accommodate me.
May I please have advice about creating and navigating healthy relationships with C-PTSD. Especially when they start to insult you and become impatient and cross boundaries.
I am in love with this man, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am just hard to live with, but I honestly don't think so. I am also usually the one to keep everyone calm and diffuse situations. Ironic, considering I only really have those skills due to years of accommodating insidious manipulative abusers.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening.