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(Sorry I'm gonna swear a bit because I'm quite angry at the moment. If somebody wants to revise it and correct the words, that's cool. I totally get it. But honestly I'm not gonna bother because I don't think that really expresses the extent of the emotions I am feeling right now.)
This is something that's been bothering me for years.
In fact it's been affecting me so much that until a few months ago, I literally could not step outside of my house.
I hate rude strangers. I hate these people who come out and act like aholes and treat people like trash.
But I think I hate the way the encounters with these people make me feel.
Ok, so when I encounter these people I could either tell them off or take it and walk away.
Usually I take it and walk away. People get stabbed, etc for telling off somebody and sometimes I see that on the news. It's not worth dying over and not worth fighting over.
Yet when I take it and walk away, I feel like a wimp.
Once in a while I actually do speak up.
Then I get yelled back with no apology. Or they'd just walk away without saying anything.
Do I feel like I've won? Not really. Even if there are instances where it would look like I've "won".
No, I just feel stupid for having been affected by these people enough that I went out of my way to tell them off.
I think the issue is that these encounters make me feel really insignificant. Like I am weak.
Like I am the one being bullied because I am not worth crap. Because I am an easy target for bullying.
Because I am weak.
I tell myself this isn't the case, because aholes are aholes no matter what, that's what they are.
Just as a garbage man's job is to collect garbage or a bus driver's job is to drive busses, they collect everybody's garbage regardless and drive everybody around regardless of who they are. That's their job.
I mean, I know I'm not the only one in this world that's been treated like trash.
But still it's difficult to make myself actually believe that this isn't my problem.
Why do I keep feeling like I am such a loser? I hate going outside.
I'm afraid I will find another rude strangers to deal with, which is a stupid thing to be afraid of because as long as I am living I definitely will encounter one. If I go out in the streets to do my daily errands I will have to deal with these people regardless.
And it's not like I don't know all these people aren't bad. I have met good people.
Yet I keep remembering bad things.
I remember this stranger from few years ago (Shinjuku, Japan), who cut in front of me as I tried to cross the crosswalk with his bicycle, and stared into my face as he did it. I almost got hit by a car.
I remember this rude a bus driver from few years ago (Hong Kong), who shouted at me because I was slow at sitting down. I was slow because I was carrying this big luggage around, trying to move stuff from my dorm to an apartment. He shouted at me as I tried to get off the bus, cause I was slow (once again), and I told him to shut up and which point he shouted at me and called me an asshole, to get the f off the bus.
I remember this strange, creepy subway staff (Hong Kong) who told me to move away from the bathroom entrances. At the time I was waiting for my friend who went to the bathroom, so naturally I stood near the entrance. Then this old train staff guy started walking in front of me, walked around me, then slowly walked in front of me and told me to move away. Since I was confused I just moved a few steps. Then he told me to completely get out of the way of the entrances. It made no sense what so ever. There were no signs that said "no loitering around bathrooms". Besides, it made no sense that if loitering was an issue, that he didn't walk directly to me to tell me to move out. No, instead he walked in front of me, walked around me, all the while staring at me, then came up to me to tell me this. What the hell is wrong with this guy? I felt like I was being bullied or something, like he targeted me because I was this petite girl standing alone. This guy was holding a mop, so I assume he was a janitor, but he didn't even mop the floor that I moved away from so I honestly don't know why he told me to move besides maybe he just wanted to tell somebody off.
When I discuss this issue with people, they just tell me how they understand how I feel, yet at the same time maybe I should think about how these people may have had a bad day or that their life is trash, etc. That maybe they have a bad salary, or a bad job, etc. But really? Is that a good excuse for treating people like trash?
Because I sure as hell don't treat people like trash just cause my life is trash, since I know that there is a difference between other people and me, ok? It's not such a difficult concept to grasp.
And if you're tired and you know you'll lash out, just find some space for yourself and calm down. It's not that hard.
If you can't find space, then suck it up until you can find some space, ok but just don't freaking lash out because that's honestly unfair. Have the strength not to, how about that? And if you do end up lashing out, apologise for christ sake it's seriously not that hard!
And if it is that hard, maybe you should reconsider the life that you are living and make sure you don't get so stressed, because seriously that can't be healthy for you. Right?
What are we doing to each other in the name of "stress", excusing ourselves and our behavior? Why are we hurting each other when there is no need to? Holy shiz I really don't understand these people. No seriously, I don't. I honestly don't see the point in creating conflict where there isn't a need. And I don't feel any release of stress from shouting at strangers or bullying them. If anything it makes me feel guilty. I genuinely can't believe there are people who feel happy from shouting at random people. It's like...like that's what monkeys do! That's what babies do when they can't handle how they feel, but that's because their brains aren't developed fully! That is just so unfathomable to me. It's just a concept that is so foreign to me, it makes zero sense.
And you know, I see people in the streets behaving poorly because I know they have experienced similar things as I have.
Oh I know, because I see their faces. They notice me, and then they act selfishly. And I think I really hate that, because if we all know how it feels like to be treated like trash, why can't we be nice to each other? Can we stop being barbaric? Are we apes?
Like if we were to walk in the streets and our paths are starting to cross each other, they see me, and then they quicken their pace so they can walk infront of me and go past me before I go past them. I know they do it because other people do it to them (look, I can't explain what I perceive, but this is my conclusion based on my experience. I know that the people who try to cut in front of me aren't the last ones to do so, there will be other people doing it to me. And I see these people doing it to each other, so I assume they've experienced the same negativity I have, or at least something similar. So they do it, because they don't want to feel "disrespected" again and would rather have other people feel that way.)
Polite people usually say "excuse me" or bow quietly (I live in Japan) and go on their way. I don't mind them going past me. In fact I usually just let people go past me because I see them pacing quickly and I just think, "Ok, I don't want to deal with your childish bs" and I just stop walking. But if you observe, some people walk quickly and almost collide with each other. Some people don't even stop until they're like, one centimeter next to them. In fact I've had that occur to me. A guy tried to quicken his pace as I was trying to go on an escalator, and when he couldn't cut in front of me he grumbled in my ear. Literally grumbled. In my ear. Who does that? Seriously who does that? Are you five? Excuse me are you seriously five? What the hell are you doing grumbling into some 23 year old girl's ear because you couldn't walk infront of her? For christ sake you look like you're 35~40 years old, can you stop?
And shouldn't this guy be old enough to the extent that "being stressed" isn't a freaking excuse for being rude to other people?
And this doesn't just happen once in a blue moon. Especially if you commute in Japan, there are going to be "stressed out" people coming around being rude to people. I've seen a young girl, squatting in a tiny space behind this elevator in the middle of a train platform in Shinjuku station, trying to catch her breath and waiting for all the people to clear away after getting off the train. I totally understand how she feels. In fact the only reason I saw her was because I was also waiting for the people to clear away, so I can go up the stairs and get out of the platform. It's way too stressful. People push each other, get pissed at each other. Horrible. I'd really rather not deal with these things. (I often schedule things so that I can avoid rush hours or crowds, etc. It's just not worth it, especially if I can get on with my daily life without it. No, I refuse to be stressed over people I don't know, I have more important things to do.)
I see people getting sick in crowds, getting nervous in crowds, and I can't blame them. And I feel annoyed that there are some people who stare at these people as they walk by them because they are squatting or standing around nervously, trying to look for a place to settle down in. (No really, there are. Because these people usually look quite "out of the ordinary" and so some people stare at them.)
I remember seeing this young man, looking around super nervously in the train, not being able to decide where to stand. He looked like he was genuinely scared of people. I just felt so bad because, I guess I could see myself being him if I was unlucky.
I don't know the point of this post. I don't think I'll find my answers here.
But I hope I do.
I guess maybe I just wanted to "barf" out all of my rude stranger related stress.
Anyways I am quite tired of feeling this way. I really hate rude strangers, I can't stress that enough.
Those people don't know how much their poor behavior affects some people and I hate that I am more sensitive than other people, so I get affected more than other people do. (No really, since childhood I was always more emotionally sensitive and I was often made fun of for being a cry baby. Not that my sensitivity makes me insecure, since I've come to terms with it, but it does get in my way sometimes, like in this case, so it can be annoying.)
Thanks for reading my angry ramblings. I hope you guys have had better experiences with strangers.
(Edited by Teen Forum Star @Emily619 for language content)
