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I'm a 20-year-old female, and I'm certain at this point I'm a pedo or have some sort of tendencies.I thought maybe jt was pocd before, but now I don’t think so, but I’m still scared and uncertain. I don’t know if this is the wrong place to post this but I’m lost. There's a few reasons why I think I might actually be a p*dophile/ephebophile
One of the reasons I think I am, is because of something I do when I fantasize or imagine someone/something. I think about adults/adult characters and real people, but I add personality traits or even physical features from real teenagers or fictional ones. Even though I'm thinking about an adult and focusing on them, I'm pretty sure this is a sign of pedophilia because I have at least some interest in the physical traits or personality with these teen characters or teen celebrity etc.I also sometimes imagine fictional porn of characters I used to like as a kid/teen. Like, not the characters themselves but the acts/storyline? Because it was very erotic and aroused me a lot. I will replace the characters with adult ones, but it's more or less the same thing. And I get very aroused and *** to it. For some reason when I imagine guys as well, I give them like a female voice or very high pitched one? Like, squeaky or childish? Both with sexual thoughts or regular ones. Especially if the guy is cute/feminine looking or small/short. It could be a celebrity or character’s who have incredibly deep voices, or normal ones, but when I envision them in my head my brain just gives them a girlish voice. Same for sometimes making them act that way or even look more feminine/small/cute?
The next reason is because of how weird I am when it comes to attraction to a teen or teen media. Like, I won't lose attraction or interest until I'm 100% certain whoever it is or whatever the anime/story is about is a minor? There could be blatant signs, but I will ignore them until an age is given. Like, it could be a real person wearing a school uniform and because I felt some interest or attraction, I won't accept they're a teen/minor until I know for sure what their age is and if they go to a high school etc. Or in fiction, it will talk about teens or students or something and I won't regard it as such until proof is shown that they are. And even then, sometimes I think I still won't accept it or don't want to? I don't know. I also feel like I try to give myself loopholes to enjoy something or be attracted to someone. I will have a thought like even if they're in high school, they're 18 so it's okay to like them or watch this anime or read this piece of fiction. Or, this person doesn't have an age given, you don't know for sure what age they are. So, it's fine to be attracted etc. (even in cases where the character or person most likely is)
I know for shows and movies at least for most part is because I'm used to adults playing high schoolers, so I always just assume that's the case when watching something. But I do this for many things, not even just shows or movies. And I also always try to check the ages of cast members and the characters they play so I know what age they are and if it's okay to like them, so sometimes when watching a show about high schoolers or a teenager, because the actor is like 19+ I won't view them as the character they play but an adult. But for everything else there's no excuse
One instance that really terrified me and I think proves I'm a pedo was when I saw a funny *** video yesterday. The guy in it looked really cute. I didn't know how old he was, and he looked like he could be 16-20. I checked his account and clicked on a video there. It was a video about him saying he lost a lot of followers doing something, and then it showed a picture of him in like a collared shirt and I think school uniform skirt? I felt attracted to him before because he was cute and I'm pretty sure when seeing this photo, despite his appearance. When seeing the photo, he looked maybe 16ish but I felt attracted, and I honestly like when guys crossdress so I also felt attracted to that. However, I noticed that it looked like a school uniform but I wasn't sure and also still didn't know his age. But I was pretty certain it was a school uniform when first looking, that coupled with him looking young I was thinking he was probably underaged but I still had felt attraction, even after the realization. But then I had some thought hoping it was just him, an adult, choosing to wear a school uniform or it wasn't actually one and it just looked like it. When I clicked on the comments, I felt horrible. They said in that photo he was like 13/14, even though he did not look that young. Even worse I find out he's only 16 right now by clicking off and seeing another video. I immediately got off the account and pressed the 'not interested" button. But I felt tempted to try and look him up again to see if I still felt attracted, especially to the picture of him at 13/14
I am also afraid I will somehow groom or be very inappropriate with a minor. Like, if I talk to one I'm not gonna ask for *** or something sexual, more so just worried I will talk about that stuff? Like, I say sexual stuff about people I'm attracted to or porn I've watched and things I've fantasized. I'm basically worried I will get too comfortable, and start seeing them as a peer so I will talk about adult things. Especially online when it's a more parasocial relationship. Online I always try to check/ask ages though, but sometimes I forget or I have no idea what age they are. And when I don't know, there have been instances where I talked to someone about sexual things (like, commenting on a fanfic or manwha or smthn) And even in instances where I do know someone is a minor or suspect, it's like I have to hold myself back from treating them like an adult and mentioning/commenting something sexual?
Lastly, I sometimes wonder if I even lose attraction/interest when learning a person or character's age. Or if I even find pedophilia wrong? I just walk away or ignore them, not because of disgust or loss of attraction but because I don't want to be a pedo or perceived as one? Like, I feel like I don't lose interest or attraction per se. And that's why I try to ignore anything involving someone underaged and just nope out of it once I know someone is a minor with 100% certainty. Normal people can probably see something of a minor, know they're one, and feel nothing. They just see a kid, They feel no interest or attraction, even if it's something sexual and/ore suggestive. But I feel like I still feel SOMETHING, even when they're just being completely normal. And that's why I block users, ignore animes fictional content of teenagers, etc. I used to think I had POCD, but now I'm not sure. I'm confused and honestly, I'm disgusted and hate myself. Regular people don't have these thoughts or issues.
I have symptoms of OCD, and OCD also runs in my family which is why I thought this was POCD. I have talked to a few people before as well, and majority said they think I had POCD (although I talked to then about different things than this) But I don’t think it is anymore. Kt feels to real, and there are too many instances and factors bleeding into all of it for it to “just be pocd”
