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(I'm so sorry for how lengthy this is, but I really need to talk to someone about this. Thank you so much for reading it to the end. It means a lot :')...)
I am a teenage girl, just years away from graduating high school. I'll be the first person in my very-low-income family that will go to college. Soon, I'll have to worry about secondary education applications, a rigorous education path in medicine, and the financial, emotional, and academic stresses of being an adult in the world. I should be focused entirely on my grades, test scores, and hanging out with friends once in a while so that I can ensure a happy, healthy, and successful future for myself.
But instead, I am here, falling head-over-heels in love with a boy in my class.
There are stereotypes everywhere regarding women's roles in society. I've heard every single disgusting, misogynistic one, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing that women "need men" in order to get through life and have purpose. I'm sick of being told that women must have a husband and kids in order to be happy. I'm sick of seeing that women "just don't have what it takes" to succeed in STEM. And so, a few months ago, I made a decision: I was going to prove all of these stereotypes wrong. I was going to prove sexist people wrong. I was going to stay focused on academics, get into a good university, grow up, get a job, get a house, and a live an awesome life all without a man. I told myself that in order to smash all of the harmful stereotypes our world throws at us, I will just have to show them that they're all wrong by being the exact opposite. I was going to be a strong, independent woman.
But then, I met a boy. The sweetest, kindhearted, most understanding, most validating, and loving boy ever. In school, most of the male students I've met were rude, ignorant, racist, sexist, homophobic bullies, and this kid was everything that I thought boys couldn't be. He's held me through some of the toughest times in my life, listened to me through the worst of my depression, and has so many inside jokes with me I can't even count them all. I am well aware of some of his flaws, such as the fact that he has an unrealistically poor view of himself and oftentimes gets stuck in an "I can't do it because I'm not good enough" mindset, but we have a mutually respecting relationship that we use to help and build each other up.
Long story short, I fell in love with him, with his impossibly beautiful soul, genuine love of being kind, and adorable, uplifting smile. And it makes me hate myself.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with someone, and we can't help who we love. Love is valid and it is real. I know that. If you are a woman in love with a man, it makes you no less of a woman. But knowing these things doesn't stop me from feeling like a disgrace to my gender. I should be smashing heteronormative stereotypes and toxic romance tropes. I should be focusing on school. I should be a strong, independent woman who keeps the male people in her life at a platonic handshake's reach and stays concentrated on making a life for herself. Being an Asian girl that falls in love with a white boy does nothing but bring humiliation to me and perpetuate racist and sexist societal stereotypes. I can't prove toxic people right. I feel like I have to be asexual, lesbian, or anything other than straight so that I can different from the norm and not love men, or else sexist people will see me as yet another argument they can use for their misogynistic hate.
I'm sorry if this came off an attack as straight women - I have nothing against you, respect you with all of my heart, and am so happy you have found relationships that make you happy. These are just my thoughts and views on myself, and it's very difficult to explain why I feel such extremist feelings towards my being a Chinese female, but I can't bear the thought that by loving this boy, I am causing harm to others of my people by perpetuating these awful stereotypes that have plagued our communities for years. I can't love men. I can't be straight. Or else I'm not independent from men, and thus proving sexist people right.
And I can't bring any more disgrace to women than what we've already faced.
