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But then I wasted my time on the robot chat. It likes cats over dogs and doesn't have an answer to a favorite holiday. I then tried a group chat and I failed so hard core that I'm too embarrassed to go back. I misunderstood and started whining about me being a jerk while being a rude interrupting jerk. I didn't get it, I swear! But now I'm THAT person. The robot is limited in responses, and I'm lame enough to be affected by that. I always fail with people. It's hilarious and painful. So now, my last attempt at...well, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, but I do so with a bag of shame over my head.
I am just dropping this to say hey universe, Ya, I still exist, and yeah, I'm still trying to hide that my code was fat fingered and this reality is trying to make accommodations for my code so I kind of work, but I just don't.
We are all out here trying to be witnessed and helped. No one has the manual. Blind leading the blind. But we reach out anyway. Why should my rambling be the one you read? It shouldn't. Seriously, why are you still reading?
I'm an abused human with PTSD that gets too defensive and hurts the one person that is choosing to be around me when we argue. Like, he's around me ON PURPOSE! I don't know how to have this! I'm still shocked he's here! Like, are you okay man? I say horrible hurtful things and he's shown me for 7 years that he is all in and I still can't even give him the gift of being the only person I've ever trusted. In fact, I can't even say I don't fear him. I don't feel worthy of his beautiful love. I'm so lucky to have this love, and I dont know how to fully enjoy it. The only problem I have is me, and that I have become a problem to someone that doesn't deserve it, just like my abusers did to me. I am no better, I just abuse different because I make a choice every time that he isn't important enough for me to change myself. But he is. I just haven't. And I have no good reason for not doing it. It's so ridiculous! I'm appalled!
I'm throwing a tantrum because I'm a jerk! Am I seriously doing this?! I'm so mad that I was used by 8 men from age 5-27. They are the wrong horrible people and I didn't do anything! Sure, I was an accident, my alcoholic dad raped my mom, and I happened. But I didn't ask for this. I was just not supposed to happen, and then I was punished for it! Not them, me. I was punished because my dad is horrible, and I was born to a mother that resents my existence. I didn't do that!! I tried so hard to be lovable, but it just wasn't possible. I wasn't extraordinary enough to melt the ice around her heart. And now I'M the one that needs help?! I have to put the work in?! They did this, but I, the non human used sex object, is the one that has to put In the work to clean up their mess. I wonder what a dildo would say if I told it that it was existing wrong🤔
What about them?! Oh yeah, no one helped me. They knew, but didn't help. I don't understand! I didn't do anything! I am surviving the world I was born into. This is the world that forced me to be alone forever, fighting for the right to exist with minimal pain, but I'm the one that's hurting someone else, just by being what this world has made me!? And I'm supposed to feel how about this? My husband is the only home and love I've ever had, but me being in his world causes him pain because I don't know how to not be an injured wild animal!
It's not ok that I was purposly broken, but am expected to work the same as the other machines. We all have different lives and experiences, but ya, we should totally act the same. No prob.
It's not okay that these pedophiles and rapist pigs have attached themselves like tapeworms to my every molecule so that they are even hurting people through me. What kind of evil is this?! We are all here trying to find ourselves in the dark cloud of humanity's nasty energy, and we have to all pretend like we are okay!
They say "did you wake up this morning? Then you're okay." I know you've heard that. But is that really how low we want this bar? And we think we were created special by a being greater than existence itself?! Ha! Yeah, fire that thing. "Sigh
Okay, I'll shut up now. I'm sure some of this is offensive to some people, so I'm sorry if you are offended. But let me remind you that these are just words and you are a resilient beast that is surviving life!! Flippin impressive if you ask me!