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Guys, I need help, support, friends...advice.
The backstory:
20 years ago I fell in love with this boy, he was my first love and I loved with with all the passion and intensity first loves are known for. Unfortunately, we were young, and long distance, and he ended up breaking up with me. He said he still loved me, but he didn't want to be monogamous and wanted to try polyamory. I didn't feel that was my path, so i told him I understood. It hurt so much, but i tried to be understanding. Imagine my surprise and devastation when he started dating someone else within a week and he made sure everyone knew they were exclusive and made their relationship very public on social media. I would see their song dedications, their date night stories, them professing their love for eachbother. It sent me into one of the darkest times of my life, I was severely depressed and lost myself completely.
I figured that maybe if I went no contact with him, I would have a better chance at getting over him and heal, but every time he felt me pulling away he'd reach out and tell me that he still loved me, he needed me, I couldn't leave, I couldn't do this to him. He'd tell me that avoiding feelings and not talking things out was unhealthy and like an idiot I would stay. He kept me in this state of limbo, where he would never chose me, but he'd always manipulate me into staying and give him attention and love. This went on for 20 years.
Back to the present:
Although we never lost touch, we never got back together either, then a few months ago we reconnected romantically. Still long distance, but it seemed like things were much better. He seemed changed, gentle instead of his usual arrogance, he seemed understanding, and he spoke like he had worked on himself and even told me he recognized he was a manipulate person and had worked hard to change that. I shared how he had hurt me in the past and he apologized. He said he was disgusted of who he was back then and how bad he felt for hurting me, he said he was a coward back then and should've fought harder to be with me. It seemed like a dream, I was finally getting what I had always wanted.
Things were actually going well, but I did start noticing that he wasn't reciprocating my "I love yous" as much, and he'd never say it unless I said it first, I noticed that he had a hard time being affectionate with me. After a lot of reading, I see now that he matches the description of an emotionally unavailable man to a t.
So here's the part I'm struggling with. Last week I asked him if why he wasn't reciprocating my affection, and I told him it was making me feel insecure. I asked him if he wanted me to pull back from showing too much affection. His answer was that he "wasn't bothered" by it, which I took as him saying he didn't care one waybor the other. When I told him his answer hurt my feelings he lost his ***. He accused me of twisting his words, he said that I was asking him questions to provoke him, he accused me of trying to start a fight. This was behavior I hadn't seen from him in years. I asked for a couple of days to cool off because I didn't want to speak in anger and say stuff I didn't mean. He didn't respond. After 2 days I reached out to let him know I wasn't upset anymore and we could address the issue. He ignored me. I gave him a few more days and reached out. He left me on read for hours and then finally said he needed more time and would talk when he was ready. I gave him a few more days, but by now it felt like he was punishing me with silence, which he knows I don't do well with, especially with us being long distance. I reminded him of what he had told me time and again, that not talking doesn't solve anything and that it was starting to feel unhealthy. He ignored my texts, my calls, he wouldn't talk to me. I felt like giving up and told him I would stop contact him, and that I hated for us to end like this, but I understood. Apparently he didn't like that, he finally responded with messages so mean and hurtful. He made me out to be A horrible person. I'll copy the message that hurt the most:
"Setting aside that I asked for time and you have decided I'm not allowed to navigate that need on my own, you know I am at work right now and can't be on the phone to try and talk this through. So given you've violated some of my boundaries today, do you think this is having a positive effect on me right now?"
I realized he was once again manipulating me, and I got upset and told him to take all the time he needed, because I was done. I know I deserve more than the bare minimum and breadcrumbs he was giving me, I know I deserve a healthy relationship, but it is so hard not to think that if maybe I hadn't pushed for more affection he would still be happy with me, I'd still have at least that little bit of affection instead of this feeling of emptiness. It's been 20 years of me being in love with him, how do I navigate life without him? How do I clear my head of the times he'd tell me he'd love me forever, that I was the most important person in his life? I feel like I'm sleepwalking, just going through the motions of life but everything is a blur. I need advice, I feel like I'm drowning.
