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I've always had issues keeping friends. I'm an abuse survivor, I have abandonment issues, depression, and I'm incredibly sensitive and emotional.
I had a really, rocky end with a friend group. It's affecting me a lot.
This time I've known the people involved for about 4-5ish years, they told me they would never abandon me, but, that's what ended up happening.
I always felt sort of left out of the group, like off to the side of it.
I never felt as loved as much as the others did, they always paid more attention to each other.
I had issues with this, this was something I'd bring up often, feeling lonely or, like I wasn't getting enough attention.
They would always give me criticism, or advice for it. I was told things like, DM them more, ask to do more movies and stuff.
I'm an introvert, these kinds of things do not come easily or naturally to me, but I tried. Nothing was fixed.
So I mentioned it again. I did it multiple times, they always only blamed me for everything- it was always something that was wrong with me. I had confirmation bias, I'm told. I'm being too envious and jealous, I'm told.
I really tried listening, I took steps to remove myself if I was being reactive, I stopped talking when I felt pangs of envy, I started getting into the habit of reassuring that they loved me.
But I still felt ignored, they did everything with each other, I was often left out of things. They never started conversations. I felt like I was never listened to.
One day I had a freakout, couldn't sleep, I often have meltdowns where I say things I do not mean. Usually I keep to myself when that happens so I don't hurt people.
We got into an argument and they started calling me selfish and manipulate when I said I was lonely this time.
It broke me. I had a meltdown there and then.
A week later, I had another one.
I told them after, I had heart palpitations for a week and I was stressed out and I didn't know what to do about it- these were my friends after all.
They told me I was being guilt trippy. It felt like every time I tried to talk they'd twist it to make me out to be some kind of devil, I was selfish. I was manipulative. I was toxic. I was guilt trippy. Because they told me that they were hurt I told them I didn't want to continue the conversation we were having because I was in a negative space.
I told them I was being driven to self harm and that's why I asked them to stopped, I was appalled that they'd try and make me out to be a demon when I asked for the conversation to stop.
I have chronic depression, quickly, because I had multiple people telling me this, I told them I'd find a permanent solution.
Which...yes. That's horrible, under no normal circumstances would I do that, and I'm trying to get help to ensure it doesn't happen again, and so I can get a control on my emotional reactive impulses.
They all cut from me that night. Told me to never talk to them again.
Except recently, they started vaguing me on social media, in public, accusing me of things I didn't do.
I've always had a fear that they'd try to twist my words to kick me out from communities we were both active in. I DMd the one still willing to talk to me, asking them to stop spreading rumors, to stop bringing this into public because I had left them alone and deserve space and the chance to grow.
They told me, I was being manipulative sending that. They told me to stop pushing the narrative that I was the victim, or they would do something to make the community collectively hate me.
Apprently the few that had any respect for me, lost it. I'm too scared to check social media, or my main chats.
I don't want to be left without a future, I don't want massive amounts of people to hate me because I had a low.
I've always done my best to try and improve, apologize, try to ensure people were feeling alright if I hurt them. Being the 'toxic' person is a nightmare for me, I've literally had nightmares about it.
I'm really anxious, and really scared. I'd like some reassurance, about the future, about if my decisions and attempts to keep connections were right.
