ConvivialOwl Member Profile

...See more What is life? What is it to be human? What is consciousness? What is like to have so many fears that you can no longer live. Well, this is my reality I live with derealization depersonalization (undiagnosed) many other mental health disorders borderline personality disorder generalized anxiety somatization also sleep apnea teeth grinding has brought a whole host of issues on its own. I am learning to be more compassionate with myself. I keep falling back in this never-ending loop because I put way too much pressure on myself. I feel ashamed because I have had way too much time on my hands that I want to admit that could have been utilized if only I knew to put less pressure on myself but it is what it is. It is a very scary feeling it feels to me if the time has stopped and I am stuck in a never-ending loop. I know though that this is not real that I can be okay and that I am safe. Because I have gotten threw though times many times before. To my inner child you are okay you are safe. It is so strange and unreal to me because when I am not in that state it's like it never was part of me like why did I feel so horrible? I go back to living my life only now to fall back into this horrible state. Here we are again. Was this time worse than last time last time it wasn't so bad. Here we go again back on this roller-coaster focus time isn't so bad I am not in danger. Keep busy it will change with time. Oh, am I glad to have reached night time. Why am I putting so much pressure on myself. Who am I? I've grown up in a dysfunctional family but wasn't aware that this was not healthy for a child. Anything that makes a child unsafe no matter how small it can be and that it keeps them in a state of stress can create huge damaging effects later in life. Yes, stress can kill. But what is amazing is that the body is an amazing machine and it can heal. When the body is in chronic fight or flight mode it doesn't have time to think it just survives. So, what does a child do if they feel they are unsafe they cope and children can cope really well until they can't. That is what happened to me. I reached a breaking point. A little kid can only take so much. I don’t hate my parents I don’t blame them but I want them to know that I am hurt and that the way they raised me was unhealthy emotionally I wasent heard they were very present. I feel guilty for the way I feel because I dint have that bad of a childhood so I push away those feelings. How could parents who love their child so much hurt them. Unresolved childhood trauma can not only negatively affect the suffer but a whole family whole generation to come. I would tell myself they love me they dint do it to hurt me I wasn't respecting them if only I did what they asked of me. So, I always blamed myself I was an angry kid I got punished a lot but for what I don’t remember. Being punished for having emotions I wasn't allowed to express myself because if I did, I would be judge for it. My dad was the one who controlled the house. Now with the help I was able to get and years of finding help online in this broken health system where it's hard to have access to a good therapist or a therapist at all. I have somehow found my way. I know now that I am not broken. What I dint know is that the one who was the most helpful was my adult self that is parenting my inner child. I am scared but I finally have hope. I have made the hard decision to not have contact with my parents. I Choose myself for once. They don’t understand and may never understand. You know what I am okay with that. They remain my parents but they are no more important than any other human I decide the importance they have on my life. I need help because I can no longer keep living like this. Therapy is what I need because I can't seem to get over this blockage on my own and you know what it's okay to need help. Admitting weaknesses is a huge step into recovery. Because over the years denying I had issues only made it much worst. What I need to ask myself is what makes me alive? What do I want out of life? I want people to know who are suffering that I care. I want people to keep having hope when hope is lost. Take it day by day but stay there because life does get better. We humans can live very traumatic things but we can heal from them and it's not your fault. You are not broken. We are feeling more disconnected as humans. I want to be able to give people that human interaction they so lovingly crave. Not just human but for them to reconnect with who they truly are to stop believing all the bullshit society fills them up with. We are amazing human beings. But we are heading in the wrong direction. Technology is not a bad thing it has improved many lives but it has destroyed many others because we are using it badly. We need to take time to slow down as a society. Work is important but ise Isn't our health worth much more? Why do we as human beings make ourselves suffer unnecessarily? When we are unwell, we make others around us suffer. I put so much pressure to be that I no longer know who I am as an individual. I have lost myself. We cannot always eliminate suffering but what if suffering is there to teach us. Should we start looking at it and try to be at peace with it suffering isn't something that is fun to experience but it's there because we are humans, we should not ignore our suffering no longer. I am learning to embrace my suffering Because suffering has made me a stronger person. That is when I realized I can no longer hide or run away from it. but it is only sometimes with time that we come to realize these things. I have fallen many times but each time I pick myself back up and I'm right back where I started. Something has to change because I know I can get there. I want to stop living in fear. I just want to know that I am enough. I just want to be me and know that I am enough. That I am worth it. That whoever feels like it’s the end its not there is hope. We all have a way that we perceive the world. We experience the world in our own way. So, I cannot say I understand your suffering. But I want to let you know that you matter even if you’re a stranger to me I care because I know what you are going through is very hard but just hang on a little longer. Things do get better I've fallen many times but that is what made me stronger. Some suffer more than others I know it's unfair but that is life. Don’t let the little things in life break you let them make you stronger. I tend to judge myself harshly. What if I don’t make sense this isn’t very good but it's my story and I want to be heard I want this world to be a better place I want to be in a better place than I am now but for once I know I am safe that anxiety and dissociation is just a bad feeling it cannot hurt me. I feel like I have repeated myself a lot or I have put a lot of questions. This isn't good I am scared to share myself because I feel like I am not understood but during these past days I have read many blogs which for me helps me have hope so I hope that by sharing my story I can share the hope I have. My brain just feels frozen right now so it's hard to think or write. But it's going to get better when I don’t know but I am so glad when the night comes around and knowing I've made it another day is hard, I feel like a zombie a huge mess.

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