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CallMeRachel4
65,303 M Confident Walk 11
PathStep 22 Compassion hearts5,669 Forum posts44 Forum upvotes128 Current upvotes128 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceMarch 8, 2017
Bio

I love singing, reading and especially writing. I'm 24. Brazil. College Student.


Recent forum posts
The weight of pregnancy
Parenting & Pregnancy / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 July 27th
...See more I am scared to be a single mom. My sweet girl will come in September. My body is so weird. I have back pain. My feet are swollen and my arms are fat. My belly isn't pretty. i have no money. I go to college by scholarship and I am financially supported by my father. Recently he hasn't care too much about me just so we can prioritize the baby. He's helping me buy things for the baby - and baby daddy's mom too. I'm selling books and jewels to have money for myself, for skin care or going to the movies. Things to relax. Father will no longer pay for my heath insurance after the baby so he can pay for the baby's insurance. So I cannot get sick. Baby daddy's mom will stay with the baby sometimes during my classes so me and the father can go to college in peace. But sometimes we're gonna have to bring the baby with us bc she is a nurse and works all night once and a while. My breasts are huge and my nose is swollen. I'm not liking my body. I am just looking foward to meet my baby and not worry so much. It's gonna be so hard. #pregnancy #family
I don't want to be a mom anymore
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 March 14th
...See more Postnatal depression is smashing me after 9 months. I feel exhausted and everything that Chris needs the nanny is up to do it. I barely have strength. I feel awful, like I have lost the capability of loving my son, but professionals said it happens to lots of women and I'm not mean or incapable of love or recovery. In the meantime, I'm taking my dear music lessons and focusing on taking care of myself - something we forget to do when having a child. I have nanny and daycare and I do spend time with Chris. I just don't enjoy it like before. But of course his laugh makes me laugh too. Seeing him eat food eagerly is beautiful. But I feel tired. I'm going to a specialist soon to understand my emotions and try to adequate life. It's not easy and I won't sugarcoat it. I actually feel like I don't wanna be a mom anymore. But that ain't happening.
I fell in love with my rapist
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 January 27th
...See more I was 17. He was 33. I dreamed about him today. I woke up crying. About trying to contact him. I tried frantically, just like I did in real life, only in the dream he responded. He replied to the message. He answered the phone. He agreed to meet me one last time. I said we didn't need to keep in touch. I just wished I could see him one last time knowing it would be the last time. I never had a closure. This question has always remained open to me, and I had to learn to live with it. It's been years, I don't even know how many. The amount of pain I felt, and still feel, made me lose my memory and sense of time. Sometimes I think it's good that I don't remember all of our moments. This way it is less painful. But there are times when I wonder if it was all true. There is one memory in particular that I hold on to. We're in bed and I roll over on top of him, looking at his face, caressing his scruffy beard. The agreement at that stage was not to have sex anymore - cause it was wrong, but we couldn't keep our promise. I tried to kiss him, but he dodged twice. He was trying to keep his promise. But the third time he kissed me back, and it was the most wonderful thing in the world. Of all the people I've ever kissed in my life, he had the best kiss. It's almost like I can remember it, feel it. I keep the subject of Gus very well buried in my chest, I don't tell people anyone. No one understands how much he hurt me, how much--to say it from my tears at the moment--still hurts. Abandonment hurts. And I still love him despite that. I would do some things differently. I think he would still be here. But he's not. And what I have left of him is pain, few memories and this constant feeling that I am irreparably broken because of him. If loving someone means being able to go through that again, I don't want to love anyone else. Obviously, the fact that I still love him despite all he did is sick, but I was a child. He knew best and still had my first time with me. I also feel angry, because I'm irreparably broken and for so long I thought it was my fault. I still think that sometimes. But I was too naive to think he wasn't using me. He was. It was just sex to him. For me, it was the whole world. I fell in love with my ***.
College acceptance
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 December 24th, 2023
...See more I took a test (3 days of tests) to apply to a university I really want to get into. It's high competition. It's hard to get in. The results will be in January 26th. I already got into this uni before but it was for a less competitive course. I'm guessing I did average on the tests, and a good essay. But I fear failure. I fear it so deeply I made a promise to never ever make another tattoo. I made this promise to the universe and I'm hoping he will be kind to me during this period of waiting anxiously for the results. I'm scared, not gonna lie. I need this victory. Note: the uni has acceptance rate of 14%
A Poem About Help
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 December 16th, 2023
...See more Sometimes I don't know how to reach for help. You see, there are sources. I could call the hotline, but it's so superficial. I could call my psychiatrist but she is not in the clinic. I could call my psychologist but he is with his family. I could call a hospital, but they would hold me and make me wait 8 hours for a doctor. I could ask my aunt for another pill, but I already took too many. I could call my father, but he'd say he's busy with work. I could call my mother, but I'd hear a harsh response. I could cry, but I've been unable to. I could trigger myself to cry, but that would mean I'll never stop crying. And when I can't stop crying, it means the pain reached its limits. It means I'm too broken to even move. To speak. To say anything to anyone. Because I don't talk about this with my friends. I scare people. This sickness scares people away. And all I can do is cry to sleep. "Take this pain out of me", I pray. It's funny, though. To God, I know what to say. Everyone else? They don't care anyway.
Being broken and misunderstood
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 November 15th, 2023
...See more People care. They do. They just don't understand. They don't understand the pain, how it affects us or how it HURTS. Being depressed feels like losing someone you love, only that someone is you. I fought battles that were not meant to be fought by me at such young age and things are reflecting now. I'm broken. Life broke me. I am in constant pain, I constantly cry. I constantly have the urge to get outta the house and spend the whole day in a library or a bookstore. That calms me down somehow. Sometimes I want to talk, other times I'm quiet. I show obvious signs I am unwell and people do nothing. Don't they understand a HUG makes things better? Why is so hard for people to understand? To empathize? To be HUMAN?
Pain
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 October 13th, 2023
...See more There are things I rather write in English because I feel, this way, it hurts less. Like I’m unattached from the words. But truth is I AM the words. And I just don’t wanna feel myself. Because I am constantly, always hurting. I am constantly holding back tears and breaking my own heart. I fall in love with the wrong people, I put myself in dangerous situations and I push myself so hard I cry out of stress. I take my pills with vodka because I wanna feel numb. I want to stop feeling, you see? I want to end the pain, and I constantly think about ending life. Yeah. I know. When these thoughts are too painful, I cut or bite myself. I pray to God. I pray to Mother Mary. I pray to the bad spirits around me. I am constantly tired. Yet, I am able to laugh. To socialize. I LOVE my friends, but a few weeks ago I didn’t have any. I hate my disorders and I hate the way they make me feel, but I gotta accept who I am. And that some people often cherish me. I just ruin things, eventually. I am exhausted. Anxious. Depressed. It’s been a while I didn’t feel this bad.
How hard do you push yourself?
General Support / by CallMeRachel4
Last post
 October 5th, 2023
...See more I only stopped to realize this when someone told me: I push myself too hard. Why? Because I grew up hearing I should always be the best one, in everything I did. Good was never enough. Perfect was the goal. That lead me to a vicious cycle of trying too hard but giving up because it was, like I pushed myself, too hard. I’m not proud of that. I’ve accomplished many things in life and, yet, I’m not successful. Not yet. I’m 23 years old. I carry the baggage of a 16-year-old girl who got into Law school too early to be able to finish it. I didn’t have the maturity for that. So, when I was 19, I bailed. And I spent 3 years in my bed, until now. I’m in college again. Another course. I am loving it. So far I’ve gotten A’s. But I’m trying not to push myself beyond my limits. Because I AM limited, and I am breakable. I am dealing with unrequited love while having to study for Latin exam. Both are pretty harsh on anyone else. I’m doing the best I can and I’m studying really hard. But I’m trying – and learning – to respect myself. Be gentle to myself. Be kind. Give myself a treat, a little trip… visit my friends. I am tired after 3 years lying down looking at the ceiling. But I am glad I am not giving up. I stood my ground and I’m not giving up because only I know how good it’s been for me. Hard. But good. So, so, so hard. But it has nurtured my soul in ways I can’t describe.
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