Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
BrightCircle
9,983 M Pacing Forward 2
PathStep 208 Compassion hearts410 Forum posts49 Forum upvotes58 Current upvotes58 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceNovember 5, 2017
Bio
Knitter, crocheter, gamer.
Recent forum posts
Overcoming insecurity related to seeking support
Anxiety Support / by BrightCircle
Last post
 August 13th, 2018
...See more So there are pretty much three people I spend significant time with: my husband of 7 years (and friend of around 14 years), a female friend of almost 6 years, and a male friend of almost 4 years. I do have other friends that I occasionally spend time with, but the dynamic is different. These are three people I fully trust and usually only stop spending time with because it's late and someone is sleepy, not because I feel overwhelmed or need to be alone. In other words, being with them is just as 'good' as being alone in that I don't get socially overloaded, but even better than being alone since I get to build my relationships at the same time and can generally keep my anxiety in check. They have all been wonderfully supportive over the past month or so, as my anxiety and depression have gotten severe enough that I scheduled my first (recent) appointments to seek treatment. With my female friend, I can talk about anything, and I can help her out with her baby or with things around the house. Knowing I can pay her back in kind or be 'useful' helps mitigate some of my insecurity, since I want to, and get some validation from, be(ing) someone she can depend on. My male friend is quite self-sufficient, doesn't have any struggles with depression or anxiety, and doesn't have kids, so I don't feel like I do much in 'return' for the support I get. I know this isn't the best way to look at friendship, but I've been spooked by friendships in the past where the power dynamic was really skewed and unhealthy as a result. I feel most comfortable when I feel like I can give something back proportionate to the time and energy I 'take'. Part of it is that I don't like being indebted to anyone. Over the past couple years in particular, I have narrowed my social circle considerably and left two particuarly toxic, previously close, friendships behind me. This has made me appreciate my little circle of trust even more, because I know these people won't treat me like that. With my husband, I'm not always good at being compassionate and could do a lot better on that front. If he doesn't sleep well, for example, I'm not always the most sympathetic because I never sleep well. I'm not good at cleaning or washing because I rarely have the energy. The thing is, their support has turned into a weird, new source of worry for me. I feel that I don't contribute much to our friendships (and in the case of my husband, to our marriage) because I seem to almost constantly need validation and company in order to be 'just okay'. I get antsy if more than a day goes by without contact with my friends, and if an entire weekend goes without hearing from them, I usually start to wonder if I did something wrong. I'm getting a little too codependent on them to pull me out of a slump - my first instinct is often to run to them. I've talked to them about it and the answer I get from every quarter is that I have nothing to worry about, that I'm not being too demanding, and that they enjoy spending time with me. Sometimes I can make myself believe it. Other times I can't, and get lost again in convincing myself that they're only putting up with me for now until I eventually wear them down. I usually see them in person anywhere between one and three times per week depending on circumstances (excepting the husband, whom I see every day, of course). We usually talk almost, but not quite, every day online. These relationships are also the closest I've ever really had, as even when I was a kid, despite being outwardly sociable, I never felt able to connect to people on this level. I don't know what I'd do without these friendships and without my husband, so I'm terrified of driving them away. How do you all cope? What are some ways I can support my friends even if they don't state particular support needs?
Search more from @BrightCircle
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
42 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Bubbly Chief Chat Honest Voice Confident Voice Strong Start Milestone Reconnect Lifting Up First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Chimer Group Chatter Group Supporter Group Carer Group Healer Getting Unstuck Anxiety Depression Forum Companion Supportive Smile Friendly Face Hello Again 30 Day Streak Meet & Greet Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I
Report an issue