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BlackShade666
271 M Embraced 2
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes36 Current upvotes36 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2020 Member sinceJanuary 12, 2020
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My slow self-destruction due to Alcoholism
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by BlackShade666
Last post
 May 13th, 2020
...See more My first thread.... I didn't start drinking really until my early twenties. And then it was only few. As I got older, a glass of wine here and there, and due to hating my job and job stress I started a little more but it was never that bad. Then met someone and it became kinda commonplace to have a few drinks at dinner, share a bottle, etc. As I got older, it was more and more, as the tolerance was more. Made some changes in my life to try to get a better job, but that backfired. Was depressed and alcohol was a nice distraction. Things like having a glass of wine while preparing dinner (something I enjoying) became more than half the bottle before dinner. Then almost the whole bottle. Switched jobs, hated that too, would have a bottle of wine each night (but not every night) and be hungover the next day because hated job plus stress again. Ended up being dismissed from two jobs which was partly because I would be hungover a lot and therefore made mistakes. Drank more to cope. Ended up in worse and worse dead-end jobs because of it which further depressed me. Now in my current job it finally caught up with me. Am being accused of drinking on the job and though fighting it, I realize that I need to seek help. I've gotten away with being hungover a lot because in current job one really doesn't need to think to perform. It was easy. So from someone casual drinking later in life to 20 years later, being in this position is strange and I don't know what to do.Depressed and feeling alone and just don't know what to do. It's amazing how long one can get away with it for so long. Also amazing how high functioning one can be for so long. It's a viscious cycle. Hate job, feel stress and depression, drink and you feel better. Then the next day you feel terrible because hungover. I will go through binge drinks for a few days, then nothing for a month, then binge again for a couple days and each time tell myself I hate feeling like this, I'm not drinking. A few days or weeks later, it starts over. I'll see how this pans out with job, but I really hate the job (it's also physically destroying my body) so in one way losing this job (don't know yet) may be a blessing but then I stress about money. Alcohol really is self-destruction. I found this site and maybe it will help...
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