I've had a bit of a rough childhood I was born premature and was a bedwetter with a wheat bladder that was humiliated and tormented by my brother and my mother even after the doctor said there's a 50/50 chance that the muscle will strengthen or not thought that I was doing it for attention scolded me and punished me when I had accidents. After being in an institution for around a year when I got back home things were good for a little while and I started to not only where diapers when I didn't need to but I just like a baby so that my brother would not find me appealing enough to want to perform his sexual advances so to help prevent him from beating and raping me I started like a baby more and more and then whenever I was 12 years old my mother found a partially used diaper under my bed questioning me about it and when I told her the truth about it she yelled at me didn't believe me and gave me up to my dad at the age of 12. Then I've been a adult baby ever since I have tried many times to get out of it and throw everything away and try not to be the freak and disgusting my mother led me to believe that I was I thought for the longest time I was the only one like this until I started finding more and more things on the internet and have only here recently at the age of 40 years old or is it opened up to counselors about this after a 18-year relationship with someone who didn't really kill me and tried to do her best for my lifestyle after that relationship ended and I felt like I was thrown away again like I was at age 12. I felt like my whole world my whole life shattered to a million pieces and have flatlined six times five on record where the paramedics had to defibrillate me and bring me back to life and one time where a friend was at my house and was notified of my condition and brought me back. I am diagnosed PTSD borderline personality disorder bipolar manic extreme depression and suicidal along with physical disabilities like type 2 diabetic, I have a fractured spine between 1910 vertebrae that was caused by one of my attempts asthma and I've had to surgeries one for umbilical hernia and the other I had to have 500 cc's of fluid drained from my upper right arm due to one of my attempts all together I have attempted The taking of my life around 20 times in my life so far.

The attempts are not because I want you in my life but it's because I want to go to a place where I loved unjudged accepted the way I am whether it's acting like a baby or wanting to love and acceptance that I didn't get as a baby as my mom my mother had a post post Harlem depression and didn't attend to me very much I just recently learned about this I did not know this until I was 42 years old she never told me and that makes sense so maybe why I am the way I am I don't know sometimes I'm so confused and hurt it's hard but I got to stop now