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AzureGalaxy
540 M Embraced 4
PathStep 19 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2021 Member sinceNovember 10, 2019
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A rant about my not boyfriend
Relationship Stress / by AzureGalaxy
Last post
 April 6th, 2020
...See more I loved him. I might still do. Not as much for sure, but he's still always the one I look for in the room, the one I smile when he enters, the one who makes me hide my smile for fear he would discover how I feel. I used to love him so extremely much, even though he never loved me, my heart would ache with physical pain because of how much I longed to be his, although it may sound romantic, it wasn't some sort of beautiful pining, but rather a deep and longing ache in my soul, a heaviness, a weight which pulled on my wounded heart. He didn't hate me, which sometimes I thought he did, but he didn't love me, maybe even didn't particularly even like me, and yet I was dying every day at the amount of love I had for him. The hardest love is not just love which is not returned, but love that is not returned and also not able to be shown. Do you have any idea how much it hurts, how terrible and unhealthy it is, to love somebody with all your heart, to think about them day and night, do dream about them to love them, yet not being able to show any of it. Seeing him every day but needing to hide behind a mask of insincerity, pretending to not to care, or to even dislike him, when my heart was burning and burning, threatening to catch the whole world on fire. To love him with everything yet not receive any back, to be so completely desperate that it doesn't even matter how he feels, that I'll love him anyway. That I don't have control over my feelings, I woul never choose this pain, yet there I was every day. Sometimes I just sat in class, unable to focus, unaware of my surroundings, just sitting in agony, feeling like the weight of my heart was pinning me to my seat, wanting to cry, but being to deep in emotion to even possibly express it. Seeing him with his real girlfriend makes me a strange mix of heartbroken and ecstatic, I loved him so intensely that all I wanted was the best for him, which seems to be someone else, he's so completely happy, and has the literal perfect relationship with her, to the point that I can't even allow myself to lie him anymore, just because of how happy he is, and honestly I feel like if I keep loving him, I will in a way steal from their relationship, which I would NEVER do, yet of course The part of me that still lives him is in pain, I watch the two of them together, sometimes holding back tears, pretending to have no extreme interest in them. I love them together, I really ship them, they're amazing, but I can't help but feel contempt for them. Not real hate or anger, but jealousy. Not a petty silly jealous, rather a small deep and quiet one. I want him, I love him, but I can't have him, I won't have him, I don't want to have him because he already has some one. Basically I love him so much that I can't love him. I love him so much that I have made the choice, I have resolved to not love him. Not to hate him, but to get over him, because that's what's best for him, I love him and care about him and his happiness far more than I do my own. I can't imagine how weird this all sounds, and at this point I'm not even sure what I'm writing. It's hard to speak your heart, when your heart is so conflicted. It hurts to love without loving. To love without being able to give it or receive it. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. I still love him, but I can't. I won't. How do I get over someone I've never loved or been loved by?
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