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AutumnEagle
27,883 M Aiming High 9
PathStep 255 Compassion hearts1,257 Forum posts130 Forum upvotes140 Current upvotes140 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2021 Member sinceMarch 1, 2015
Recent forum posts
Personalized growth paths
Site Updates / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 March 24th, 2017
...See more Soooo I want to try a personalized growth path, but I realize it costs money. Is there a way to make it more affordable for those of us that can't?
What now?
Depression Support / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 March 24th, 2017
...See more Before I write this post, I want to insert a trigger warning. I will be discussing suicide, however, it isn't because I'm suicidal. I've recently lost someone to suicide and I didn't now where else to discuss it. So is the topic is too much for you, stop reading now. For those who read on, here's the story: Last Friday, I received the news from a completely unexpected source. My brother had died last December. The source? HIS mother. Now that this has been said, here's some back story. My brother and I are half-siblings, we have different mothers, but same fathers. Also, we never got to meet. Due to major past issues, conflicts, and fights, we were torn away from each other. I was an infant, so I have absolutely no memories of him. I end up hearing different versions of the same story from everyone who tells me, so I do not know which is true. I hear my father abandoned my brother to his mother denied my father visitation, etc. I don't have any concrete evidence other than hearsay, so I cannot believe any of the stories I'm told. I was nine-years-old when I found out about him. Ever since then, over the years, I've tried everything I could to connect with him. When Myspace was the thing, I found him and we actually talked to each other. Then, one day, he stopped messaging me altogether. After that, every attempt I made was always met with a wall, instant silence. I also couldn't just constantly try because that could be seen as harassment in the eyes of the law and I didn't want that. So I tried as much as I could but was careful on how often. Now, back to last Friday, March 10th. I'm on my phone when I get a random message request on Facebook. I was able to read the first part, which the lady introduced herself as my brother's mother. I accepted the request after I read the entire message. This was the first and so far only time she has contacted me, ever. She told me my brother had died and she had no way to contact my father and I needed to tell him. So I called him after replying to her message in shock and told him. My father hasn't seen him since he was maybe five or six years old and has made efforts to reconnect with him but met with the same walls as I encountered. My father fell apart and had to hang up while I waited for more information. As I continued my conversation with her, it was revealed to me my brother had some serious issues, illness and depression. He was in so much pain he shot himself in the head. December 18th was when he died. Now, it took this woman over three months to contact my father or myself....THREE MONTHS! That's not right. She could have easily sent at least someone from law enforcement to tell us the news (they seriously will do that). My father should've known the night it happened. I know she's still mourning for her son, however, to wait that long is selfish and sick. I'm angry not just for me, but my father. NO ONE SHOULD EVER WAIT THAT LONG TO TELL SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE IS DEAD! He had a service in another town about a few hours away (where he was last living) and there will be a service here in my town (our hometown) in May. He was cremated I found out. I have to relay all this information to my father. Why must I be the messenger about this?! Now I'm doing what I can to get information because she hasn't told me when in May the service is. I have asked and am waiting for the answer. That's the only question I'm asking for now, I do not wish to give her a reason to slam the door she's opened in my face. So now, I'm in a position that not too many people are in. How do you mourn for someone you never met? How do you not mourn them after every single attempt you made to connect with them? If we would've met, how would things be now? What if....? I can't get it out of my head. The more I read his obituary, the more I learned what many things we had in common. The more his mother told me of his depression and struggles, we had many of similar if not the same ones. Why couldn't we have grown up together? Why wouldn't he meet me despite my messages and calls? Why were we alone suffering instead of supporting each other? We suffered many of the same things ALONE! No one else to understand us, but each other. Yet, we were always apart. I only have seen pictures and have the worlds of everyone else...that's just sad. If I can ever log back into that old Myspace account, then I could see our only ever conversation. He was only four years older than I. We lived in the same city for most of our lives. He has an infant son he left behind. There's so much I need answers to right now. There are so many hopes and dreams I had for my brother and I. So much effort. Now, all of that is gone. All I can do now is try to get all the answers I know I can. Sadly, I can't just fight for myself. I have to do all of it for dad now too. I have to defend him, I'm his rock. I know that woman will attack him, it's a matter of time. She's proven herself to be crazy and even attacked my mother when I mentioned her. I had to tell her "I'm not my mother or my father, I'm me". Mom thought I threw her and my father under the bus for saying that. Dad knows I'm being careful so that I can keep the door open. The only person who actually understood what I meant and is proud of me for saying that is my stepmom. I'm disappointed in my mother, like seriously? My STEPMOM is the only one truly proud of me for that. Why would my mother take offense to that? I'm my own person, what the hell? Mom won't shut up about the woman, dad needs answers, and once again I have to put what I want aside to get things done. But once I know when the service is, I'm planning out how I will get everything else I need. I'm tired of not knowing. I will have the information I want, I will find out the truth behind all the past that I only keep hearing about, the past that has haunted me and more. For now, I just want and need to know when the service is....it's been almost a full week and she hasn't answered me yet...My patience wears thin. So, what now? I have a bigger responsibility now, I'm the surviving child. I have a bigger responsibility to treat my depression as well. Which it looks like I found a method of getting a doctor without health insurance, I'm going to look into it and it looks like something I can afford. So I can be responsible to those I care about. In the end, I just wish we would've been able to meet. I know for a fact if we had, he'd be alive today. Please, don't ever kill yourself, there are people who love you, even if you've never met them.
Too long for Group support chat, Too frustrating for a listener...
Depression Support / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 March 24th, 2017
...See more Obscure title is obscure. Anyways, I just feel so....Done. For pretty much all my life, even more, as I'm an adult, all the things I want and need to accomplish are constantly getting put aside instead of attended to. Today this is a huge issue in particular. So I live with my mother and I have the attic to myself, which is great. However, it needs a lot of improvements, which I'm trying to do. Today, I was able to get more supplies and have them ready to go. Since the weather is going to be nice up until Saturday, I thought I'd spend that day doing the improvements. My mother wanted me to do different things, which admittedly need to be done, however, that means I would have to put my plans aside AGAIN. So after finally hearing the disdain in my voice (I was obviously unhappy about it), she said she'd get someone else to do it. I swear if I get guilt tripped I'll throw a fit. I keep getting promised things will get done, but the constantly get thrown to the back burner. Now, I realize that there are things that do come up that are out of anyone's control, but the constant cycle is ridiculous. I will not tolerate it anymore. I'm done. It's not just with my mother either, but it's one of many examples of it on a daily basis. Normally, I'm happy to help, but I'm tired of being the only reliable one around. I deserve to live in a decent space. I deserve to be able to do things for me. I deserve to have any promises made to me fulfilled. Don't I? If not, then what the fuck did I do wrong to deserve less? I struggle with depression, I haven't taken my medication in a long time because I'm saving the little I have left for emergencies. I cannot afford to see a damn doctor just to renew the prescription....I'm constantly seeking options, and it's ludacris. I cannot tell my family or friends either because, of course, MY wants, MY needs, MY feelings would be cast aside just like everything else. I'm just [Removed by fruityVision] done.
Sex as a type of therapy
Relationship Stress / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 February 22nd, 2017
...See more So....this may end up being a strange forum post, but here it is... So, for me, I've noticed, rather recently, that for me, sex is a form of therapy. It's rather nice, I can't lie about that. A couple nights ago, I was at a party with a bunch of co-workers and we ended up at one of their houses....I'll just call them 'D' (joke not intended, but please, feel free to giggle). Everyone stayed at D's house for a while, and he and I have slept together before, and he invited me into his room with him, knowing what he wanted, I happily obliged. I have to say it was what I honestly needed after the dance party we had hours prior. I needed not just the physical pleasure, but the touch, the intimacy, and a "therapy session" (I'm unsure if that's the best phrase, but that's what I'm going to call it for now). D doesn't know about my struggles with depression, but he loves giving me pleasure (and I of course reciprocate). Part of me wishes we hook up more often, but I also understand why we don't hook up as often as I would like. I respect that, and it's all cool. Now, D and I are not in a relationship (neither one of us has romantic feelings for the other), we work together, and honestly, I'm good with whole thing. He makes sure I consent and if I say no to something, he respects that. Well, after our last session in his room, for the past couple days, I had this shit eating grin on my face. It was sorta like a "high" from the sex. He's the only one who's actually caused that. Hell, I sometimes still get that grin even now. I've noticed that good sex actually helps me a lot when it comes to my struggles with depression. It reminds me that I deserve nice things, that I can be vulnerable (in a sexual way, emotional, that's another story), and that I deserve things for myself. I can be a little selfish while being selfless and it's okay. Well, I guess that's what I got.
Well, I've learned a valuable lesson
Depression Support / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 February 20th, 2017
...See more Before I was diagnosed, I thought if I were to have depression, I wouldn't resort to medicine, I'd fight it head on. I was stupid for thinking that. I had no idea. Now, I never have shamed anyone for being on medication for it. I knew for some it was necessary. I just didn't think it was for me, until about 2 years-ish ago. I was diagnosed in college during my junior year. I first found 7cups, then, after much begging from my advisor, I saw over the counselors at my university and after working with her, she recommended I try the medication. So I went to our health center during doctor's hours and got the prescription. The first day and week were an absolute NIGHTMARE due to my body adjusting to the medication. I locked myself in my room, it was that bad. However, the more my body adjusted, the more comfortable I got with the thought of being on medication myself. Especially after I felt and noticed the benefits of the medication. It took the physical edge off, which was, and still is amazing. Then, when I was almost out, I'd go to the health center and renew it, no problem. Now that I'm no longer in school, I have issues. I cannot just go and renew my prescription anymore. I would have to go and pay for it to be renewed since it wasn't my primary care doctor who did it for me. I have now health insurance cause I cannot afford it and do not qualify for any of the state programs. So, I'm on my last batch of pills and I'm SOL. Sigh.
Question about something I've noticed that I've done all my life
Depression Support / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 June 26th, 2017
...See more Hello! So while I've only been diagnosed with depression for a few years now, I've been doing all I can to learn about it. Then I thought of something. For years, I'll stare at my reflection. not just in mirrors , but I'll catch myself doing it. now I'm wondering, why? Could it be from my depression? anyone know?
Something funny I've noticed
Depression Support / by AutumnEagle
Last post
 October 13th, 2016
...See more So, while I keep doing my best to take care of myself and learn about my depression, I've been able to articulate more of why I cannot tell other people. It may sound dumb and weird, but bear with me: In our society, there is an unfortunate stigma against mental illnesses, which is prepostorous because the brain is an organ too and like other organs, it can get sick. I had to teach myself this, but now that I know it, it seems like common sense. To others, I guess it isn't. *shrug* While I have a loving family, I know if I were to tell them, one of two things will happen; one, they will have negative reactions to it and not support me, two, they will overwhelm me with what they believe is "best" for me, whether I want it or not. I do not want either, as I do not wish to be abandoned, seen as someone I'm not, and I do not want them to throw me into a corner for me to fight my way out of. Either way, the end result would be a disaster I wish to avoid. Also, my depression is something I need to learn about at my own pace. I need to take things slower when it comes to taking care of my depression. When I found out that was wrong with me, I was frightened. I lived in fear from everyone I knew from peers, friends, and family. I disapeared for a while, which of course had and even still has negative effects to this day. However, after about 2.5 years of it, I've come a long way and learned a lot. I'm proud of that. However, I've figured out something about vulnurability and opening up. However, sadly, it isn't with other humans. I still have hope for that, but as of right now, I just can't really. Animals however, like my cats and my dog, is another story. See, animals are always honest. Any love and kindness given to them is given back in return. In my experience, animals, cats for the most part, but also dogs, have always been there for me. They've accepted me as I have accepted them. Without them, I'm not sure how I'd be able to be vulnerable at all. I told ya, weird, but true. I got two kitties on my couch with me and a dog on the floor not too far away. Nothing like the purrs of a kitty to make the depression go away. :D
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