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Atlantivaliades
234 M Embraced 2
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceOctober 17, 2019
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How to deal with guilt of enjoying abuse?
Trauma Support / by Atlantivaliades
Last post
 November 30th, 2019
...See more I was only a small kid when it happened and at the time the best I could conceptualize the assault was as some 'bad' play. Like playing video games or watching movies your parents told you not too. You feel 'bad' but you also enjoy it and want to play the banned video game. My assault felt like that. I liked it and dissociated to protect myself from the terror of what happened. Throughout puberty and sexual exploration I always felt heterosexual. I only found girls attractive and only had crushes on girls. Yet during 'self play' my mind would wander, i'd have phallic centered thoughts, and sometimes when I was in vulnerable states with boys I'd get a strange familiar feeling. I did not like it, but at the same time did. Now I'm in my twenties and am, fairly, certain I'm not homosexual. But I still have the phallic fetishes and still feel enormous guilt/shame. I feel broken, as though I am vile and weak for having enjoyed the terrible thing that happened to me. For having associated it to pleasure. I have nothing against homosexuals. I've even thought to starting calling myself bisexual but it feels wrong, I don't like men. It's just that my development was corrupted. And I feel guilty about my sexuality and I never tell my partners for how could they understand? What girl wants a man that wants her sexually but is thinking phallic thoughts when they are intimate. . . I want to love myself, but can't stop judging myself. I feel disgusting
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