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Aqua7281
51,465 M Crossing Mileposts 11
PathStep 46 Compassion hearts1,548 Forum posts49 Forum upvotes65 Current upvotes65 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 1, 2020
Recent forum posts
My parents beat me up as an adult (I'm 21), never did as a child
Family & Caregivers / by Aqua7281
Last post
 17 hours ago
...See more Hello! I guess this is the perfect place to talk about my experience. I live with my parents, since I couldn't afford leaving when I started college. My mom started beating me with a belt last year. They started treating me like *** since the start of high school, and it got worse over the years, particularly after they found out I didn't take an exam last year. They abuse me because I'm not the student/adult they want, and they punish me whenever they see me lying or lazing around. This whole ordeal brings me so much shame because it takes away your dignity, especially when your parents respected you more as a child. I am ashamed because others got better relationships with their parents, and get to do what they want, while I have to think of strategies of not being beaten. They also want to disinherit me, and have threatened multiple times that they want to take me to a mental asylum or leaving me off into a forest. Simply because I am not as studious, resourceful, or winning money like others do. And they always compare me to others who are indeed like that. They also would love me to quit college because it's pointless if I am not earning money and I'm not being a good student, and wish to sell our apartment. Even some teachers treated me like *** in my senior year of HS after taking low marks, and put up her "teacher's pet" to follow me, yet the "teacher's pet" couldn't care less. They all think I don't have a conscience in a world where young adults are aspiring to work, dreams and Please help. What should I do? (besides moving out and/or going to a domestic violence center)
Fed off with a situation
Relationship Stress / by Aqua7281
Last post
 May 7th
...See more Yesterday, me and my long-time friend have broken up from our relationship, that lasted about 3 weeks, if I'm not mistaken. She said, and I quote "the distance between us is too much" and "wants to keep her options open", and the reason why she did this was because "she didn't want to lead me on". It was online, and she's always mentioned how she hates us being apart, although I suspect the "distance" and "options" mean something/someone else too.  The relationship proposal itself was very fast-paced (which I quite admired), because of my lack of relationships + my previous experiences, I had doubts. But she encouraged me to try. I've always loved her deep down, and it was the most beautiful way to escape singledom, so why not. She even said the most loving things about me, and even said that she's willing to wait for me and/or I am much more special than people in real life. (This is more of a summary of stuff she told me.)  That was, until 2 days ago, when she stopped talking to me. I assumed this was due to her exams, but knowing her, this isn't exactly true either. What I find the most heartbreaking is, for her other long-distance relationships in the past, one was a few months, and the other was a year or so (on-and-off). So it must've been something about me this time around, and I also made the mistake of being vulnerable to her (I often hid my emotions from her because I wanted to protect both myself and her), and stuff like this break-up is exactly why I am so resilient.  And I don't want to handle the torture of "being friends" either. I already did that last year, where she always liked to do it, regardless of her being in a relationship or not. This year, I contacted her because I saw one of her profiles by chance, and even before we entered the relationship she told me "how good of a friend I am".   Is it my fault, or not?
Feeling stuck and confused
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Aqua7281
Last post
 November 12th, 2023
...See more Hello there. I am a cis girl. I have 3 trans friends and a nonbinary friend, and I feel particularly distant from one those three aforementioned trans friends. (She rejected me romantically as well, and that kind of triggered the descent into my own hyperanalization of transphobia.) Many other events, the other 3 people I've mentioned deepened my descent even further. It makes me wish I wasn't cis so I could truly understand how trans people feel when they share their experiences on the Internet, or they see something transphobic which to me is not evident. All of this self-doubt has built a preference for trans people rather than cis, and a desire to be included in trans online spaces (but never actually did, nor will, unless I turn out to be trans myself, if ever). When the friend I've mentioned earlier, the one who rejected me romantically, said, in a discussion about neopronouns "You know a lot more than I did before I came out, but you can't know everything because you're not trans" . I know the intention was not to hurt me, and to educate me, I suppose, but in that moment I felt like she gatekept me out of my own community. I have no idea why it happened. She also called me entitled for having confessed to her (this was my mistake, she wouldn't have known if I'd kept myself from doing it). I need some guidance, especially from a trans binary person (I'd prefer a trans woman). Nonbinary people welcome. Or, if you're a cis person with a similar experience to mine, I would like to hear your thoughts as well. Thank you in advance, and sorry if I sound confusing or insane. I am also sorry if everything I wrote is bigoted in any way.
My mother still belittles me and beats me up at 20
Family & Caregivers / by Aqua7281
Last post
 October 12th, 2023
...See more Hello there, I am a college student, in the sophomore year. My mother's abuse gets worse as I age. She always insults me, beats me up, and compares me to others. It's always been like this, but this regular attitude started since high school. She wants me to be perfect, to look feminine, to get fit, to do chores all the time in the house, she wants me to be r**** or to die. She always threatens me with being kicked out. She always sends me out to my grandma (my dad's mom) because she wants to punish me. She blames me for her brother finding a girlfriend, after being single for decades. She has a family locator app, ever since my senior year (when I was 18/19) at the advice of her colleagues, and because I always skipped classes when others did (helped by the teachers, yet I was blamed for being a 'problem student'), and still has to pay up the debt for my tutoring from that year... She wanted me to teach her English (we're from a non-English speakimg country), and now she wants to go to a language school teaching English, where one of my colleagues' daughter, who is barely 18. She is a high achiever, she will probably take a full mark in the graduation exam, she is preparing for med school, she is enrolled in driving school, she dates, and she wears tons of money for being an ESL assistant teacher, and has been in that position since the age of 14. My mom says this girl will be a better teacher than I can be. Believe me, I want to do all of that. And I wanted to move out. But I couldn't. I have so much to think about, my college, my personal issues, I cannot manage my relationship with her either. I know I am partially at fault....
I don't know what to do after being rejected twice( by a cis guy, and a trans girl respectively).
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Aqua7281
Last post
 June 15th, 2023
...See more I can say I truly fell in love with two people - first a cis guy, then a trans girl. (I am a cis girl.) My friendship with the guy ended because of me being a fool, but I clearly remember what he said when he rejected me romantically, he said in an incredibly eloquent way, but the message behind it was "I can't love you the way you want, but you are an amazing person" and tried his best to "help me understand" and "calm me down". I suffered very much when he eventually blocked me due to me overwhelming him with my family issues. The trans girl, back then in the closet, wanted me to return( she doesn't know about the situation with the guy to this day), because I was retreating myself, trying to deal with my emotions alone. Oh the irony. Meanwhile, during a period of 1.5 years of no contact, she realized she was trans. She reconnected with me in October( she sent me a message, and while I've had feelings for her from long ago( and she had an innocent crush on me, but back then I didn't give much thought, but I never rejected her), only now did they come to light for me. When she also rejected me, she said "Please understand that I can only love you platonically". And she really likes to tell me "I love you platonically" for some twisted reason, while also trying to lecture me on love. It's like hearing the guy all over again. What should I do in order for me to finally have my attraction reciprocated with someone? As a sidenote... I've thought a lot lately about the possibility of me being trans as well. I'm honestly 50/50 on this one. A part of me believes that I'm truly trans(masc), but the other is feeling this just because it's a way of coping with the rejection and/or wanting to be her equal and to take a similar personal journey( I think I would've been her true equal if I was a trans woman, but I'm not AMAB, unfortunately...) I just hope she isn't disappointed in me. I'm desperate. This whole ordeal made me being distracted from my daily life( like college). Please, I need as much help and advice as I can get.
Time, love and death [TW]
Reading & Writing / by Aqua7281
Last post
 January 25th, 2023
...See more I love...I love... My love is empty, directionless. I don't realize why am I feeling it. What is my conscious right now. How am I being capable to exist in this reality, with the way I think now? I don't know. I do not realize time passing by me. I did not make the best of it. I did not see people change. I am trapped in the past. I am not allowed to be in love anyone. They all rejected me. If I was born, then I must die. Such realizations suddenly appear as we experience life. All humans have solliquies to the universe. This is mine. Some of them are listened to, others not. Is it selfish? It depends. Does it mean I am depressed? Maybe. Maybe not. I really want to know that my emotions are meaningful. I love you. Time heals all. We all die. Universal sentences, encompassing experiences. Time, love, death. A soul deals with them all.
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