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Anwar88
592 M Embraced 4
PathStep 96 Compassion hearts30 Forum posts24 Forum upvotes22 Current upvotes22 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceAugust 22, 2016
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Depression is Ruining my Marriage
Depression Support / by Anwar88
Last post
 October 10th, 2016
...See more I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and noticing a few things here and there and tonight I realised this Depression is ruining my marriage! My husband and I have been married for 5, going on 6, years and together for 8. He knew when we met that I had a few problems but not all of it. I have hid self harm and a lot of my dark past from everyone for years. 2 years ago I gave birth to our beautiful son and since then I can't control it any more. I have been hospitalized twice and am now on antidepressants, much to my dismay. My husband is struggling to understand why I act the way I do and why I have become this angry, resentful person. He told me the other day that he is preparing for divorce, just in case I don't return from my trip back home in the US. He also told me that he would keep our son because he doesn't think I would be able to raise him properly.... Sorry to ramble on and I probably don't make much sense, I just am struggling to see the point in everything right now. I WANT that happy family and life but it feels like I will NEVER get there. Has anyone else been through anything remotely similar???
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Poem about suicide
Depression Support / by Anwar88
Last post
 September 29th, 2016
...See more I have discovered this poem by Andrea Gibbson that has hit my heart and every fiber in my body so hard! It encourages me to get better and beat this depression and not just survive...but LIVE. Here is the link if you don't want to read the entire poem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5IBBtBpmug The Nutritionalist - Andrea Gibbson The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables. Said if I could get down 13 turnips a day I would be grounded, rooted. Said my head would not keep flying away to where the darkness lives. The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight, Said for 20 dollars shed tell me what to do. I handed her the twenty, she said stop worrying darling, you will find a good man soon. The first psychotherapist said I should spend 3 hours a day sitting in a dark closet with my eyes closed and my ears plugged I tried it once but couldnt stop thinking about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet The yogi told me to stretch everything but the truth, said to focus on the out breaths, everyone finds happiness if they can care more about what they can give than what they get The pharmacist said klonopin, lamictil, lithium, Xanax The doctor said an antipsychotic might help me forget what the trauma said The trauma said dont write this poem Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones But my bones said Tyler Clementi dove into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone. My bones said write the poem. To the lamplight. Considering the river bed. To the chandelier of your faith hanging by a thread. To everyday you cannot get out of bed. To the bulls eye of your wrist To anyone who has ever wanted to die. I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing we can do- Is remind ourselves over and over and over Other people feel this too That tomorrow that has come and gone And it has not gotten better When you are half finished writing that letter to your mother that says I swear to God I tried But when I thought I hit bottom, it started hitting back There is no bruise like the bruise loneliness kicks into the spine So let me tell you I know there are days it looks like the whole world is dancing in the streets while you break down like the doors of their looted buildings You are not alone and wondering who will be convicted of the crime of insisting you keep loading your grief into the chamber of your shame You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy I have never met a heavy heart that wasnt a phone booth with a red cape inside Some people will never understand the kind of superpower it takes for some people to just walk outside some days I know my smile looks like a gutter of a falling house But my hands are always holding tight to the rip chord of believing A life can be rich like the soil Can make food of decay turn wound into highway Pick me up in a truck with that bumper sticker that says it is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society I have never trusted anyone with the pulled back bow of my spine the way I trusted the ones who come undone at the throat Screaming for their pulses to find the fight to pound Four nights before Tyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington bridge I was sitting in a hotel room in my own town Calculating exactly what I had to swallow to keep a bottle of sleeping pills down What I know about living is the pain is never just ours Every time I hurt I know the wound is an echo So I keep a listening to the moment when the grief becomes a window When I can see what I couldnt see before, through the glass of my most battered dream, I watched a dandelion lose its mind in the wind and when it did, it scattered a thousand seeds. So the next time I tell you how easily I come out of my skin, dont try to put me back in just say here we are together at the window aching for it to all get better but knowing there is a chance our hearts may have only just skinned their knees knowing there is a chance the worst day might still be coming let me say right now for the record, I am still gonna be here asking this world to dance, even if it keeps stepping on my holy feet you- you stay here with me, okay? You stay here with me. Raising your bite against the bitter dark Your bright longing Your brilliant fists of loss Friend if the only thing we have to gain in staying is each other, my god thats plenty my god that is enough my god that is so so much for the light to give each of us at each others backs whispering over and over and over Live Live Live
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