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n September 2023, the longest relationship I had ever been in ended. It hit me hard, but it allowed me to do some deep reflection and soul searching. In doing this, I realized that I was not yet the man I needed to be were I to dedicate my life to a woman in the way they she would deserve. Part of this I determined was my environment. I had been living in my hometown my entire life, knowing everyone, always having distractions or something to do. These things often were things I chose over the things I should have spent more time on: things like health & fitness, church, working on myself. In reflecting on this, I made the decision to move. My lease was up this past April, and so I made the decision to move 600 miles away to force myself out of my comfort zone and to grow.
Right at the beginning of February, without even looking, I met someone. It was one of those connections that you just can’t explain. I was honest and open and explained to her that I was moving and so that it would likely be hard for use to have a serious relationship and out of respect for her I wanted to upfront. She insisted that didn’t scare her, and we were both just so drawn to each other we were just enjoying each other’s connection so much. When moving day came, it was hard, but we stayed in touch, texting every day, talking on the phone and FaceTiming when we could, and in the couple of weekend trips that I did make home, we always spent as much time as we could together. We were loyal to one another, without there ever being a title or official commitment. She often asked for a title or official commitment, but I was reluctant because of our living situation, even though I was in love with her. With the work I am still doing on myself, I didn’t think it was fair to either of us and I didn’t want one of us to end up resenting the other one if things didn’t turn out how we wanted. I guess I just imagined that if it was meant to be, the title wouldn’t matter and we’d find a way. I understand that isn’t ideal, but it was also no secret about how we felt for each other. From April through November we kept in contact. At the beginning of November, we talked and she said she couldn’t do this anymore without an official commitment. We talked and she understood that wasn’t something I could give her right now and that was okay. There was no ill will and we had a good conversation. She said no man has ever shown her what I have shown her and that maybe we could meet again someday under different circumstances. I said the same thing. We wished each other the best and said our goodbyes. We’ve stayed friends on social media but don’t communicate. There hasn’t been any contact, but we both said we’d be each other’s biggest cheerleaders from afar. I’ve been home since this past Wednesday for Christmas and am staying through the New Year. Just before traveling up I logged into social media and saw that she already has another boyfriend, only a little over a month since we last spoke. I wouldn’t expect her to put her life on hold or wait for me, but a month? It feels like the things she said to me didn’t matter anymore. It feels like she was talking to this guy before we split and that her last call was ultimatum before running to this other guy. And what she doesn’t know is that while I would never expect this from someone else, I am waiting for her. There was never anyone else. Since that day we spoke my entire focus has been hyper charged, becoming the man I need to be faster than I can imagine, so that I can ultimately dedicate my life to her and her two children. I know it’s God’s plan and I truly do believe that when the time is right aka when I can be who I need to be for her that he will bring us back together and that this guy she is with now will come and go. But so many friends/family tell me I need to talk to her in person to tell her this while I’m here. But that isn’t fair to her. That I’d come and tell her this now, when she’s with someone new. It isn’t that I never felt it, but I felt couldn’t/shouldn’t given our circumstances.
Anyway I guess I just don’t know what to do. I’m committed to God and trusting his plan. But I don’t want to let the best thing that has ever happened to me slip away either. And even if I were to try and talk to her while I’m here, how would I even get her to answer me or agree to see me, especially now that she has a boyfriend?
