...See more
Not entirely sure this thread belongs in this particular sub-forum, but nothing else seemed quite to fit and, as this is part rant, part pondering, it felt appropriate. Really I'm just hoping other people have insights, can relate, have some 'solutions'...
As I mentioned in another thread, since emerging from my (blissful) solo covid bubble and interacting with people again, the issue of gendering and naming has emerged very saliently for me, brought on by the fact that I found out my school had put in place a policy for preferred names and preferred pronouns, lending an institutional legitimacy to a norm that, up until now, had been reserved for my social circle.
I've been introducing myself with my preferred name for years, as well as signing all my written communications with it, but now the name on the account can actually match. And people are normalizing the sharing of preferred pronouns, which feels like a breath of fresh air and such a relief.
But this evolution of the norms, which is wonderfully affirming for me as a person whose name and gender don't match anything assigned at birth, also has a darker side in the sense that I am now more acutely aware of all the instances when they are being ignored (often known as microagressions).
Despite the policies and the rules and the contractual stipulations of all university employees, most of them are still completely disregarding notions of preferred names and preferred pronouns (usually not the newer, younger ones- again, a breath of fresh air). I realize the gap is generational, and none of these people are intentionally out to hurt me, but hurt is still what I get.
This brings me to my main point. In general, and in this particular context, we must always contend in life with the gap between our expectations and other people's behavior, and what our feelings and our minds equate those behaviors to. I find myself quite often getting hurt by other people's behavior, and associating that behavior with what it would mean if I were the one doing it.
But other people's behavior, in general, has nothing to do with us- with anything we've said or done or been or felt. It is not meant to hurt, or communicate anything other than the fact that they're simply living their lives and dealing with what they need to be dealing with. But it doesn't change the fact that the behavior can be hurtful.
And so there is always that back and forth, that balance we're trying to achieve and that line we're trying to find, between how far we can reasonably expect people's behavior to match our expectations, and how far we have to take responsability for ourselves and our own feelings regardless of who or what may have caused them, and not put them on other people.
I find myself needing to grapple with the fact that two perspectives can be true at the same time. That I believe generational gaps, ignorance, or lack of practice/encounters does not excuse hurtful or problematic behavior, however accidental or unintentional. But at the same time, it is also not fair to judge someone and react to them and make them feel bad about themselves for something they were doing without knowledge, intent, or malice, and lay everything on them. Regardless of how understandable and fundamentally human it is to do so, it is not right to lash out at person Z just because persons A-Y have been wearing on my last nerve and I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.
So I know that we should not take out our frustrations or put our expectations and beliefs on others, because it isn't fair or right, and because all it does is hurt- hurts us, hurts them... And so I come up against the choice that needs to be made in these situations over and over again: let it go, choose not to let it affect me, silently suffer and say nothing, take it upon myself to have the conversation... And the choice must be made, again and again and again, because that is what we face when dealing with people other than ourself.
I know the ultimate goal is we're supposed to be fully zen and self-realized, where we don't let the actions of others affect us or our feelings, fully realizing the limitations of all human beings from our perfect zen perspective and being able to have the conversations without negative impact to ourselves. That we're supposed to be proactive and take responsability at every turn, regardless of how much we hate confrontation and our natural inclination to take the path of least resistance.
But I'm not a monk or a god or anything like that- I'm a regular human being. One constantly going through the cycles of 'enduring' others' behavior, as it were, having conversations where we realize the person who, in our mind, has been acting like the bad guy, is innocent and so now I'm the bad guy, then I feel bad, then I try to be more aware and more zen and more proactive, then I go back to getting hurt because, hey, I'm only human, and I can't constantly be fighting and informing and correcting and constantly be detached and zen. And everyone else around me is going through those cycles as well, because my social circle is made up of humans. Well, humans and plants, but the plants don't talk much ._.
Anyway all this to say, I feel many things. I feel grateful for the evolution that is happening, in thinking and in social norms, that is letting me feel more and more like I can affirm parts of myself I didn't even know I had the option to explore affirming. I feel sad that things are still not advanced enough, especially in contexts where the expectation has been formalized and contractualized, where many people fought hard for my right to be recognized so that I, and the people who come after me, wouldn't have to, and yet here we still are and that work still needs to be done.
I feel sad and upset that I have to endure these things and be faced with the choice to ignore, endure or fight. And I also feel sad that the situation leads me to conversations that, while necessary and important, lead to both parties feeling bad about themselves in some way, and that the responsability has to be on me to prevent that from happening, even while I'm the one who's dealing with these thoughtless microggressions every day.
And I'm angry that, even though I feel like I shouldn't have to, and even though I believe my anger is legitimate, especially in this particular context, the bottom line is the age-old adage that if you don't get involved in a process, you can't complain about the way it affects you or turns out.
I know I should be shifting my perspective and making the effort and not putting my issues or suffering on others, but it's also human not to want to have to constantly fight simply to be seen as who or what you are on a basic level, to give into our lesser, baser instincts sometimes when we run out of spoons (though yes, I know that managing our spoons correctly and making adjustments when needed is essential, so we don't end up in these situations), and to want to find that blessed relief in the interactions that consist of people simply calling you by your name, asking for your pronouns, and it never being an issue.
All this being my roundabout, way too long, late-night, overemotional, I-just-had-a-really-intense-conversation-with-a-close-friend-and-I'm-wrapping-up-another-hell-of-a-week way to say: there are ups, there are downs. Things are improving, people are changing. Not everyone, not everything, not all at once, and there are bumps in the road and we mess up and put our stress and pain on others. It's wrong, but it's also human, of which to err is an integral part. And occasionally we rise above it all, recognize, forgive, and shine, and fulfill the great promise of the infinity of human potential, which is to be divine.
