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<English is not my native language, but I would try my best to avoid grammar error>
Appreciated your time to read / reply.
I registered this account only since yesterday, and I have talked to some listeners and then felt a little better. It's not actually about how to fix the problem, but at least there is a room to think further, potentially there might be chances to dismiss those blockers in our mind. A good step, isn't it?
Everyone has different stories and somehow we end up here and get stuck. Can we all 100% be honest to ourselves and listen to the voice in our deep mind and shout out what we want? I figured out that might be the most difficult step to move on to. I am a 31 years old male, sometimes feel like with a 70 years old heart. Why? I am not brave enough to face these questions. Life is already being hard, and our mind plays a role to make it more complicated. Day by day, those true answers are going further away from me and finally confusion is everywhere.
The weird thing regarding "depression" is that it is far more different than "unhappy", if you would agree. From my own experience, depression is something I have less word to describe on, less energy to explain this to my friends, more communication gaps especially you open your mouth and wanted to talk to your families. It's an isolated island, all of a sudden everyone lives in their own world and doesn't seem like seeing you. Depression usually will turn out a result that I don't want to feel, and I would conclude that "happiness" is not the most important thing in life. At least I tried to prove it, and for awhile, it's true, I would say.
"Depression" also has its loop, for me, every 30 to 45 days I go deep down once, I call it's a "man-period" (joking with myself to make me laugh sadly). During this 30 - 45 days, there were good things happened, there were solutions I have been trying to work upon, there were signs that even made me think I have got out of depression. However, no, it's quite uneasy just like that. Sometimes, actually often, the next time my depression happens, it usually without a sign and it gets worse. This loop has been a "super-friend" with me for years, each time after that I reset my timer, it's always a 30-45 days range. The best improvement is only 45 days, and no more than that. Since I do not have measurement to know when I can get out of depression, I was trying to target for 100 days. If in a continuously 100 days I do not feel down, I may have gone out from there. Unfortunately I have reset it to 0 once again yesterday.
My guess is people suffering "depression" usually are more emotional sensitive than others. We see things from a different angle, and lost in its "beauty" by trying to persuade others to see it or awaiting to be understood. I felt like I have 2 versions of myself, normally, I have a good life, being a successful business man, own a fancy life, help others often, the other version is I have seen to many lonely souls, dark behaviors in the world, being tired to fix people issues. From a 3rd party's point of view, do I have a good life? Yes. Do I have more than others do? Yes. Am I happy about it? Not sure. Why? Don't know (or don't really want to know).
What depression really worries me, is it is contagious. If you usually play a role to be responsible for many things, you may infect to many others around you. Also this makes me for being exhausted often in my heart. And I have to pretend being strong enough to handle everything. Because my tag is a successful, well educated, gentle and fancy business man. If I am weak, everything fades out. Can I say that people are not real or people are too scared to be real? Or, reality is the real?
Still I am not that good to handle my depression, especially yesterday there was a down fall. What to say? To be honest I doubt whether therapy really works because for me, I think therapy is a commercial activity, it's not a cure. By a random chance I saw this forum and decided to join. This 7 cups of teas somehow relaxed me a little bit.
If you have mutual feelings or similar experience, welcome to share.
Thanks for reading it, hopefully it's not that negative.
