I am a 46 year old mom of three. My boys from my marriage are 23 AA and 21 HH. Their dad RR has historically not been close to AA as he favored HH. Also AA came out in 8 th grade as gay which didn't help. My 9 year old daughter was a wonderful surprise later in life, her dad MM has been cause if stress for her. My boyfriend/ fiance BB lives with us. He's not the father of my children.

I grew up in a divorced home with verbal abuse, adult drug use and physical violence. I never had a real relationship with my dad, and my mother was an example of what not to be in every sense. I wanted nothing more than for my children to have a stable family, but all of them have had rough relationships with their respective fathers. They have or are fighting depression, self harm or drug use. We have all been to therapy at least once in our lives.

My daughter had been in therapy from December to August. We stopped because she wouldn't open up to the counselor and she didn't want to talk to her father about her feelings.

Yesterday, in my daughter's room, I found a list titled 10 ways to kill myself with 10 ways. We talked. She said she was angry with herself for forgetting her school work that day.. then she stubbed her toe.. she couldn't contain the anger. Then the sadness.. when she gets angry or sad all past grief and loss flood her like it was yesterday. She tried screaming into her stuffed animal like she usually does (I didn't know she did that).
I am scared for her.. she questions why is she even here.. what's there point of life.. what difference would it make if she wasn't there. Then she'll be super smiley and happy. Snuggling with me and laughing. Her rollercoaster is intense.