Sexting and flirting at 7 Cups

@Laura thanks for posting this. It's good to have a reminder there in black and white.

This is an important concern! Thanks for taking action against it. I'm excited to see the changes put in place.

hey there i laso find soe user in listener chat roomand other chat room also . due to this it become impossible to talk . thankyou that you are takinfg action on it thank you so much:)

@Laura I'm glad to hear this has been acknowledged ! This is well appreciated ^-^ Does this bring any different things to moderating in the support rooms ? Are we now more strictly emphasizing on this issue ? Are we getting a new rule in the chat room rules list to make it clearer ?

I really appreciate this post a lot! I've seen this in the Group Support rooms and have responded accordingly, but I'm really glad to see just how seriously this is being taken by the leaders here! I personally feel more protected and safe after reading this, and seeing what is being done to protect us. This may be an issue now, and to some scale it probably always will be, but it is really nice to know that there is work being done to maintain and improve the safety of all our listeners!

I think it's important to note that there is a difference between giving a compliment on appearance ("Oh your picture changed! It looks nice!") in the middle of a conversation and having a conversation that revolves around appearances ("You are so gorgeous. You should be a model. You're perfect. I think you're so cute.")

The former isn't necessarily a problem. Compliments are nice. Being acknowledged is nice. The latter tends to make people uncomfortable and can be very excluding though. We all want to give compliments to our friends and make them feel good about themselves, but if we are ignoring the other people within the rooms, then we are sending a message that they aren't welcome. Think about being in a group where everyone else is really good friends with each other, and you're the new kid. If they keep telling each other "You are so cute!" and saying in-jokes that you don't understand, it can be pretty upsetting to be with them because they aren't being inclusive to you.

Another reason I don't particularly like flirtatious behavior in the rooms is because it's intended to be a safe place, but the behavior can be threatening. Had 7 cups been around when I was 18-19, I can guarantee that I would have left and never returned, having been just barely beginning to learn how to cope with sexual violence trauma at that age. Many individuals have negative experiences with unwanted attention and flirtatious behavior that seeing it may make them uncomfortable and upset. I know that the behavior isn't often done out of ill intent or meant to be a bad thing, but I've heard it said time and time again that listeners feel threatened because of flirtatious behavior for various reasons. I do hope that all listeners take it seriously and take greater care in being aware of how we treat others.

Edit: It may also be worth noting that some of us may not realize that our behavior is flirtatious. If someone tells us that we are making them uncomfortable in any way, then the first reaction should not be to tell them "I'm sorry, it's just my personality" or "But I was just trying to be nice." It comes off as very belittling and flippant by essentially dismissing the other person's feelings and suggests that they are in the wrong for being upset or uncomfortable. People will react in ways that we may not expect, and it's important for us to respect them as individuals by acknowledging their feelings.

The same can be said in a group setting. I have seen people essentially dismiss concerns by trying to explain someone's behavior in a way that silences the individual.

Examples of this are:

"They were just trying to be nice."
"They were just trying to give you a compliment. Try to take it in a good way."
"You shouldn't be so offended. They didn't mean anything bad by it."
"They shouldn't have been so upset by it. I don't think you were being inappropriate."
"I can't believe they were so upset by your compliment!"

This is inappropriate reassurance and definitely contributes to an unhealthy environment because it encourages the behavior to continue while sending the message that someone cannot feel upset or threatened by it. Everyone has different boundaries and triggers, and we should all be respectful of that.

@Kane I love the points you're making here. Especially about how flirting actively makes a room less inclusive, and the problem with inappropriate reassurance and how invalidating it can be. Your comment here is really helping me to be able to speak out about it more effectively when I see it happening.

@Michaelmichael

As a fellow chatroom mentor, I know how difficult it can be to speak up about these things when they are so prevalent! No one likes the person that disrupts the normalcy of the rooms, even if we are trying to keep the rooms safe for everyone. That means there will be conflicts where people assume we are trying to control how they behave and censor them when all we are doing is really saying, "Hey! In the public rooms, we try to keep it an environment where everyone feels welcome. This kind of behavior can cause people to feel uncomfortable and excluded!" Cultural and societal norms also plays a huge part in this because while something is normal and acceptable to us, it won't be the same to someone who grew up in a different environment.

I've had listeners tell me to relax when I speak up because "no one in here has a problem with it" or "it's just for fun." That kind of response is more threatening and silencing than they may realize.

Hopefully this post will help better explain why it is a concern and how we can all try to make the community a safe place!

I'm really glad you spelled that out in detail.

If my behavior makes someone uncomfortable and they tell me this my best response is to acknowledge their felt, lived, and reported experience and apologize and try to learn from it. To make excuses or tell the person who felt hurt to adjust their perceptions is inappropriate. We can all learn from such moments if we can drop our defenses a bit.

@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn

Yes! Conflict isn't fun to be face, but it is necessary in personal growth.

@AdventuRin actually mentioned this to me when we were chatting on this topic, but admitting that we have made a mistake can positively impact our relationships with others. It humanizes us and endears us to others because we show that we are just imperfect as everyone else. People tend to have greater respect for those who acknowledge and learn from their mistakes than those who become defensive.

@Kane

I think these are some great clarifications. And, I'm with @Michaelmichael--I'll use these and work for a more inclusive environment in the rooms. We already struggle with cliques as it is and when this kind of behavior goes on, it seems that the cliques become even more defined and more exclusionary.

@RocketsMom

I think you bring up a good point about the cliques. Those have been a pervasive issue for the longest time, but it's not just an issue on 7 cups. It's part of the natural conflict that arises from human nature so there isn't going to be a permanent solution. However, we can do our best to minimize it by being aware of the fact that cliques exist and will cause people to feel excluded.

It's also cliques that I find to be a large portion of individuals who inappropriately reassures each other. We never want our friends to feel upset or bad about themselves so when we catch wind that they do, then we tend to focus on getting rid of the stimulus that is making them feel bad, rather than helping them process it. It's happened a lot in the rooms, which is why I felt it was necessary to say something about it. It's one thing to say "It's okay to feel upset over this", but it's another to completely dismiss the idea of we could have possibly made a mistake by saying "Wow, that is so unfair! I'm sorry." It ends up fostering that negative reaction and impacting how they react to feedback in the future. As listeners and friends, our goal should always be to help people learn from their mistakes and better themselves by learning from the different conflicts that might arise. Using inappropriate reassurance does the complete opposite of this and keeps individuals in a negative feedback loop.

@Kane--agreed!!

Thank you for bringing my attention to this.

Brilliant initiative! This will only build a greater sense of safeness and trust in 7 cups of Tea.

Maybe you could have a button that members could press if they are feeling targeted by a listener? And then what that button would do is save like the last 20 messages and send it to someone that can decide if that listener account needs to be deleted or not.

That sounds good thanks.

Thank you for this, I know it should be common sense but I know it isn't. Having this written pretty much sets it in stone and creates a tone for listeners, members, and guests within 7cups. Thank you again for acknowledging that there is a problem.

Exactly! Sometimes I feel so targeted as a listener, member too. It helps to know you can feel safe.

This is a very important issue not only on 7 cups but in life in general. Thank you for bringing this topic up!

Thanks for helping put this to an end Laura! I'm glad it has been noticed

Great post, Laura. Thank you.

Thanks @Laura for the efforts you're going to at admin level to support us on this.

One thing I'd like to add from my own experience is that having a personal photograph seems to invite more of these types of inappropriate chats, and of course comments in the chat room. This is, of course, just in my personal experience as a listener, and as a mentor who has supported many other listeners who have experienced this. Every listener here is entitled to have their personal photo as their dp, it's entirely your choice, but if you find sex chats and flirting very distressing and triggering, it may be worth considering choosing another picture, like a landscape, or just one that isn't a personal photo. It doesn't mean you'll never get a sex chat or someone trying to flirt with you but it may go some way to minimise the chance of it. It's about your self care and ensuring your safety. Whilst Laura and the admin team will do everything they can to ensure our safety, it would be impossible to completely eradicate this kind of behaviour, so it's also about personal responsibility and each of us ensuring that we keep ourselves as safe as possible too.

If anyone in the community is having a distressing time and feeling harassed, I encourage you to file a report and to also reach out for support, you don't have to feel alone. I would be more than happy for you to PM me and I can support and help you as best as I can.

@Laura

Thanks for this post. It is important to make sure that we are all as safe as possible. I also want to say that I agree with Sam (@Soulsurfer). A newer person asked me the other day if I had tips for how to keep these types of people from sending me personal requests. I looked at the Listener's profile and the main difference I could see was that there was a personal display pic of her while I use one of Rocket. Hers was not provacative at all, but the presence of a personal display pic seems to generate attention regardless. So, no, it's not really fair--why should we have to not use a picture of ourselves on the dp if we'd like? In an ideal world, we would be able to. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in and one way to slow down these types of 1-1 requests seems to be removing those pictures. I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do--to each their own--just keep it in mind as an option.

This is so important. A lot of Listeners feel reporting a member is wrong and the last resort and it should absolutely be that but if you're uncomfortable and not feeling your best, then you can't help the member anyway. Self care is so important.

Glad this issue is being acknowledged!

Yes! This is very important. I've got to change my profile picture because of the flirting and inappropriate texts. I felt really sad about having an anonymous photo but it was better this way so I can talk to people who want me for help and not for inappropriate stuff.

Thank you for doing this. :)

@lovetoloveyou97 - I agree it can be so frustrating when we are forced to do something, like change our picture, because other people don't respect boundaries or know how to act appropriately. But I admire you for taking control of this situation and acting responsibly to keep yourself as safe as possible

Thank you so much for your kindness and for noticing me! I totally agree with you, safety is really important to me. What also more important to me is that we can stop these inappropriate behaviours.

@lovetoloveyou97--I'm sorry you were frustrated by changing your display pic. And, no, you shouldn't have to. But, at the same time, it is often the best choice. Having a neutral picture allows for the conversation to focus on the member/guest issue rather than flirting and so forth.

Thank you so much, Laura, for creating this thread and spreading awareness. This post is brilliant.

Excellent post Laura

@Laura , thank you for this and I hope it clarifies to some that there behaviour can be see flirtatious even if they are just "messing around"

@kane @sam thank you for wise words as ever

Yeees! Straight into the bookmarks, I wish I could upvote this post more than once

@Dova

Agreed....I want to be able to upvote posts more than once too!! :P

This is just a 100% awesome post! @Laura I think what you suggest is a perfect response to this issue - clear, concrete steps to discourage this extremely problematic behaviour, while still making sure we can provide support to those who need it.

What I want to underline is to anyone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of harassment - that was not your fault. You did not deserve to be treated like that. Whoever was doing the harassing was in the wrong. And you should not feel obliged to change anything because of what happened - as @Soulsurfer and @RocketsMom said very well, that's entirely up to you and you shouldn't feel under any pressure. It is the people that are harassing others that need to change their behaviour, not you.

And we're here for you as a community, and we will believe you when you report an issue, and we won't make assumptions about you, and we will always take it seriously and support you with it.

Mikey, a very valid point, and one I would like to reiterate again is that no matter what your photo may be of, you are never to blame for harrassment or inappropriate behaviour. I've seen members of this community say things before like "well look at her picture, she deserves it". This is WRONG. The person harassing you and initiating the sex chat is always to blame. What you look like and how you present yourself in your dp, whilst possibly making you more vulnerable, does not make you deserving of harassment. It is never your fault.

Agreed....my point was not that one's picture is what causes the behaviors. The person who is doing the harassing is making that choice. They just happened to pick someone with a picture in hopes to get a response. They will do the behavior regardless so please, no one should feel they caused the behavior or deserved to be at fault. I think changing display pics simply makes one less likely to be the subject of behavior that will likely occur regardless.

@Soulsurfer @Michaelmichael

Thanks for the tip @Laura.

I agree with what @Kane said.

I also want to stress the importance of how we present ourselves. I personally have had incoming sex chats even without having my picture on. However I did noticed some people treated me nicer when I did put my picture on at one point, and that's something that felt very weird. I am sure having a picture on draws more attention and that's normal, your picture is who you are I guess, but there are some pictures that are bound to attract more of sex chatters.

I often see some of those who complain of having a lot of sex chats, sporting pictures focused on their cleavage/décolleté, have a picture of themselves focused on their swimsuit or topless sporting their muscles plus skinny shorts in the gym. Sometimes you can even tell the camera focus was set to a specific sexualized spot. Know that when you have such picture on you will often have more sex chats than someone with a cat or someone with a picture of their face smiling. That means when a sex chatter is scanning through the browse page, someone presenting themselves in similar ways to the mentioned examples will most likely be the target and not someone with their face, or a slice of chocolate cake picture. I know that is hard to hear. People shouldn't sexualize everything, but it is the truth, we see it all the time in experimental tests done where the way we present ourselves often determine how people approach us and the attention we get, sometimes. So my biggest suggestion is to have a picture that is professional. I don't mean wear a suit, but one that if you decide to share it on a professional platform like LinkedIn, won't make people comment that "This is not Facebook/Twitter", and it is a picture that you are proud that it reflects your personal brand.

@Flourish--very good points and nice examples. Thanks!

Just as a sidenote, I can tell you that from my own personal experience it seems the absolute buzzkill for any sort of inappropriateness is a picture of a cat and no mention in name or profile of any gender or even human indication. If one insists on knowing my gender with no context in the chat, we explore that if possible. The result can go from a member telling me to get lost and leaving a bad review to some disclosure of the real issue. I have never had my approach result in a sex chat. Just something to consider.