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I think for me my hurt started when I was in first grade. It was my first day of school. My mom dropped me off on the school playground, and somehow, I had become lost; I didn't know which way to go to enter the school building and go inside for school. I was looking all around the school grounds, and I was lost. There were these three other little girls who were walking around the school building, and because I was lost, I decided to follow them. I followed them around because I didn't know where to go. Then, when the three little girls reached the school building entrance, they turned around and said to me, one of the girls said to me, "what are you following us for?! Go away!"
And with a hurt expression, I turned around and began to walk away, and then they felt sorrow and pity for me and said, "okay, come on." I followed them into the school. There were scores of other children, and the three little girls walked away once we were inside. I was once again lost as to where to go until a teacher approached me.
That. That was the first encounter I had with people whom I didn't know, and it was an encounter that was marked with rejection and then sorrow and pity, and then confusion and aloneness. When I changed from that school to another school and continued my elementary years, I never had friends; no one wanted to be my friend because they felt I was the geeky, black kid with glasses and two plats on the sides of her head that always looked too big and weird. However, people felt pity for me, so when my mom and my two sisters (who also didn't like me because we didn't share the same father) put on a Halloween party, yeah, they came, but then the next day at school, the isolation from them to me continued. I was bullied badly in elementary.
I remember one Hispanic girl, she bullied me so bad one day in class that I dropped my head on my desk in front of the entire class and cried and kids laughed. The elementary school crushes all treated me horribly, making fun of me for not being as stylish and as pretty as THEY felt other kids looked.
I thought things would change in high school, but they didn't. I went to Coolidge Senior High in DC, a majorly black school, and despite me being black too, while I was listening to REM, Loreena McKenniit and Celtic Woman, they were listening to Mary J. Blige, Aaliyah, and other R&B and hip hop songs and artists and because I didn't, I was labeled a "sell out," "a wanna-be white girl," and an "oreo." The girls would call me *** and other hurtful names. Lunchtime was horrible because lots of times, you'd have to pay for lunch, and I didn't have the money to pay, so I would go without lunch, and when I tried to find a place to sit, I wouldn't be able to find a place because no one wanted me sitting with them.
In classes, they would bully me so often that I wouldn't go to class; I'd go hide out in the bathroom and cry. There was one guy I liked in high school, and I remember when I mustered up the courage to tell him, he poured milk all over me in front of the entire lunchroom. People laughed, and I ran out of the school and ran home. That was the first time I attempted to commit suicide but failed. I couldn't tell my mom because she was working all the time, and I didn't think she'd even understand anyway.
I did tell the "god" I believed in, though - Jesus/God; I was born and raised as a Christian, so I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed for things to get better. It didn't. Gid didn't do a thing. On top of that, my mom and I always kept getting evicted from our places of living. My mom was a holy spirit, fire-baptized Christian as well. So, there were times when we were homeless, and despite my mom and I praying fervently to God for help, he did nothing. Thus, I began to not only abandon God but also hate him. I still do. When I got kicked out of Coolidge for skipping school (I skipped to avoid being bullied), my mom put me in a smaller charter school, and that was even worse. The kids there (who were all black) treated me like ***, they threw chairs at me. The teachers treated me like *** because I started wearing all black because then I felt like the other teens I saw at other schools who had been bullied. I felt like a gothic outcast.
Anyway, I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, and I was valedictorian. I wanted to go to college, Livingstone College, but because my mom and I were poor, I had no money, and financial aid was a joke; back then, there weren't a lot of scholarships for me. So I decided to apply for the Marines. I was all set in the mind to go and then 9/11 happened and my mom refused to let me go....that I understood, I was her little baby, and she didn't want me. I was fine with that.
Then I saw the film Titanic, and it blew me away, and I left the theater thinking that's what I wanted to do: I wanted to be a filmmaker. However, I wasn't completely sold on the idea until I went to a horror convention for the first time ever in Maryland. I saved up all my money to go there, and when I went, I walked away from it feeling sure that filmmaking was what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to just make horror films. I wanted to make films that inspired, films that motivated, and entertained, but horror films would just be my start. I told my mom about this idea, and she was thrilled. She had a background in screenwriting (she was in the industry for two years before leaving), and so together, we got together this amazing horror script, got actor Tony Todd involved, and a few other actors, and....it went nowhere, absolutely nowhere.
I was disappointed, but years later, I tried again (on my own this time, since my mom had found a steady job and decided to stick to that, but she gave me her full support). I tried this time with a very poignant drama that highlighted rape and sexual abuse on Native American reservations. It was a project that I felt very strongly about; and I mean, I tried hard, but no actor would get interested in my project unless I had funding first. I couldn't get funding, so I tried again and again and again and again. I even created crowdfunding platforms but nope. However, I was seeing - and I'm just being honest, but I was seeing white male and female indie filmmakers not only get their projects funded but cast as well, and I did see a few black indie filmmakers as well, but not me. Rejection again, for a second time.
I kept trying to break into the filmmaking world with different projects, but each time, it was like I was being blocked because it would go nowhere, even with short film projects....nope. So then I tried to write a novel; I put my screenplays into a novel, and after writing the novel, I let about two or three people read it; they said it was good, but when it came time for me to get an agent.....Nope, rejection after rejection after rejection. I couldn't understand it. Then came the idea to make a new novel. It was a story of my life but told from the view of different people, a married man with a daughter, the man was a Christian zealot until he lost his wife in a robbery gone wrong, and after losing his wife, the man goes through numerous bouts of poverty and homelessness and through it all, he discovers the truth about Christianity and God and comes to see that continuing to believe in Christianity and God isn't the way.
I poured EVERYTHING out into that novel, I mean true, raw emotions, and that too was rejected by every agent (and even publisher around). However, I looked around me - online and in writing groups and saw everyone else getting represented by agents and landing publishers, but me.....no. So, coming up to the present times, I recently got interested in the theory of the reincarnation trap and the prison planet theory. It's a theory that states that after death, the white light you see is a trap that reincarnates you back down here and that this world is a simulation, it's a prison planet simulation where your negative energy (greed, anger, envy, violence, sadness, grief, and other negative energy emotions) gets fed off of by the deity who controls this realm and that negative energy is called loosh energy. The reincarnation trap also states that when you see the light after death, turn away from it and request to return to the free universe, and you will where you can then create whatever type of realm you wish to live in with whomever.
I found the idea very interesting, and the idea that once I die, I can turn away from the white light I see and return to the universe and create whatever type of realm I wish to live in was one that resonated with me because I've felt that my life down here has always been *** so, I thought that was great. So then I joined this subreddit on Reddit called Escaping Prison Planet and it was a subreddit dedicated to the discussion of the prison planet theory/reincarnation trap theory. So, one day, I made a post about how I was having a pretty *** day, but something happened during my day that - if you didn't experience it yourself, you wouldn't believe it, but what happened was something that made my day so much better; And I added some encouraging comments in my post telling people to continue to stay encouraged and think that things can get better in their lives. You know, a nice, uplifting post.
On my profile page of Reddit, I had my profile photo on there, and the subreddit is basically, primarily, majorly made up of white people. Well, that uplifting, encouraging post I made was received horribly. People left ridiculing responses, responses calling me a liar about the circumstances that turned my day from *** to good and all of that.
One of the rules of the subreddit is that you're not supposed to do things like ridicule, harass, or bully the other Redditors in the subreddit, but these few Redditors were doing that to me, and when I politely defended myself by saying I wasn't lying, I was very much telling the truth and to defend myself against the ridiculing and name calling, I was banned from the subreddit and then banned from the entire platform. I had been on that platform for quite a while and had spent years building that profile on that platform up with karma and all that and they just ripped it away from me. Then when I created another account on the platform, they banned that one as well. That took me right back to my elementary school and high school days of being treated like ***.
This is what my life has been like. People online and offline have treated me like *** all the time. On ***, I was watching this video dedicated to actor Dudley Moore and his role in the film Arthur, and Dudley is my number one favorite actor and so this guy in the comment section said, "Dudley was my dad, I miss you dad." So I responded, "wow, really?! No Way, that's cool!" The guy responded with, "yeah, I am, is that so hard for you to comprehend?" And I responded, "no it isn't but you don't have to take that attitude, I was just asking because I was surprised that his children actually saw videos made in tribute to him." I tried to brush his rude attitude off but that hurt because I get treated like that all the time. I'll respond to certain things or ask questions about things and people will talk to me nasty.
I've been out and about, and when I try to fit in with other black people, I'm not accepted. Black females have tried fighting me just for looking at them; they talk smart and nasty to me, and I swear it's for no reason at all. I say that because I'm literally super nice to people. I'm so nice that I let them hurt my feelings before I'd ever hurt theirs. I'm the type of person who literally likes to befriend everyone I meet, and I mean literally. I would even literally take a bullet for anyone because....I don't know, that's just how I am. I kind of consider myself to be like Rose from The Golden Girls, where I'm just a nice, cheery person, but yet I constantly get treated like dirty gum under people's shoes. So, I don't fit in with black people, so I then try to fit in with white people (after all, my father was white and American Indian), but with white people, I'm not accepted there either. I don't fit in anywhere.
I decided recently to write a novel based on the reincarnation trap/prison planet theory, and I - once again poured everything into the novel and a few people who I let read the novel said it was extremely good and I was going to self publish it, but in self-publishing, you have to self promote it. So I tried to reach out to a few podcasts (Youtube and elsewhere) that discuss the reincarnation trap to see if I could come, like they've had other guests on, to talk about the theory and discuss the book I wrote about the theory and nope....no one would respond. However, they have had other people on their podcast to discuss it, but not me. I think this rejection hurts the most because I really loved this recent novel I wrote, but it seems I'm once again receiving rejection regarding it.
I can create an *** account and a Twitter account, and no one will follow me, but there are *** and Twitter users who have lots of followers. The same goes for when I created a Medium blog. No one would read any of my blog posts, but others received at least two reads. no matter how much I made my posts entertaining and interesting, no one would read anything I wrote.
I've tried and failed with relationships in my adult years as well. There was this one guy, he's a voice actor (not like an A-list voice actor, but he was a working voice actor), and he lives in Venice Beach, California, and he and I used to follow each other on Twitter. He was....stunningly handsome, I mean, bright, ocean blue eyes, golden blond hair, and a youthful-looking face, and he was very intelligent and spoke a lot of times like a philosopher, which is what attracted me to him.
He was forty-nine at the time, I was thirty-eight, and I really, really liked him, and despite me being shy, I tweeted little hints in his direction that I liked him, repeatedly....and crickets, but there was this one lady, she was white and pretty, and he asked her if he was single and then their conversation went from there and I thought, "damn it, not again, not another rejection."
Even before the voice actor guy, there were other guys I was interested in (however, none more than the voice actor guy. I mean, I was really, really, really, strongly attracted to him), and each and every time, it always ended in rejection. Every time.
I just don't get it, it's as if the universe constantly is conspiring against me, to have me experience endless hurt, pain, loneliness, isolation and ostracization and to have me experience endless rejection. I mean, what is it with me? Why can't I ever get just one sliver of happiness? One sliver of success? I've never been happy ever since being alive, even on birthdays, I wasn't happy because my sisters - (who only hate me (and they've said this) because of the fact that we have different fathers) made my birthdays miserable. The only silver lining I have is my mother. My mother is absolutely my only friend, but I can't talk to her about everything I've shared here because she wouldn't understand it. She thinks to feel the way I do is ridiculous. She doesn't believe in things like depression and feeling like a nobody. I love my mother, I love her to death, but she wouldn't understand.
I just, I don't know why the world and everyone in it hates me, and yes, it feels exactly like that. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm never good enough for anything or anyone. I mean, why me? Why am I the one who has to constantly feel like I'm nothing, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not good enough? Maybe it's because I'm the wrong race. I often wish I were white and then maybe my life would be better, I don't know but for some reason I'm like---COVID 19 and everyone wants nothing to do with me because I am and on top of that, they treat me horribly as well because of it. I feel like I have no purpose, like that Billie Eilish song, "What Was I Made For?"
Maybe I have no purpose for being here, except to be a symbolic punching bag for the world or something....I don't know. And I'm not some dumb person because, as I said, I graduated with honors, I'm very intelligent, and I'm not ugly and I do have to say one or two people have said that I'm pretty, but it's not resonating in actions. I'm athletically fit, not that, that matters, but I'm saying.....I just....I don't get why my life has always been ***. I don't think I deserve it. Every criticism I receive, whether it be online or offline, every insult, every rude and mean comment or remark towards me, every act of someone ignoring me or isolating me makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, like I'm not good enough or smart enough and every criticism hurts like a bullet to the heart. I just want to be accepted, I want at least ONE thing in my life to go right, just one. I just want one person to miss me if I died. I want to be someone's favorite person, I want to be someone's best friend or friend, period, and I mean with genuineness. I want to be something more than just a nothing, a nobody.
Anyway, this November, I'll be forty and to be honest.....the greatest gift would be to not wake up on the morning of my birthday, to be honest, I don't know how much more I want to take of being here in this realm. For a long time, I've been suffering from something called passive suicidal ideation, whereas I'm not brave enough to take myself out, but I constantly wish something would happen where I could be taken out. I don't care whether I die the next minute, hour, day, week, month, or year because I'm tired. I feel like I'm just living now to just....exist, but I'm not truly living. So....that's my story.
